Why Children Shut Down Emotionally!

[00:00:00] There was a conversation in our community recently that stayed with all of us because of how honest and relatable it was. Some parents shared that in certain moments their child completely shuts down. And then other parents began opening up about something different.

[00:00:23] How their younger children can become overwhelmed to the point of tears, frustration, even full emotional outbursts. And what they were all really asking in all of it was, what am I supposed to do in those moments? And you could feel the weight behind that question.

[00:00:46] There was pressure of quiet responsibility every parent carries to respond well. To not mishandle something important. To not miss what their children actually needs underneath the moment. Because when you're in it as a parent, those situations can feel unclear.

[00:01:12] Sometimes even frustrating or triggering. But what we're going to step into together today is this. Those responses are not random. Okay? And we don't want to blame them on response, on personality. Okay?

[00:01:36] We need to be responsible as parents to not just brush it off and blame it as a personality trait. And the other thing is that they are not something. These moments, they are not something that you have to feel powerless in.

[00:01:58] When a child withdraws or when they become emotionally overwhelmed, what we're often seeing is not bad behavior. It's not defiance. It's not even this intentional distance or them pulling away from you. It's a protective response from the nervous system.

[00:02:23] Their way of communicating that something feels too overwhelming to process right now. It's a signal from their internal world that something feels too big, too fast or not yet safe enough to process. Right? And once you begin to recognize that clearly, everything about the way you respond starts to shift.

[00:02:53] You stop reacting to what's happening in the surface and you begin leading what's happening underneath it. So settle in because this is a conversation that will change the way you see these moments. And it's one you truly can't afford to miss. Let's go.

[00:03:25] Ooh, that's better, right babe? She founded an architectural concrete company. He founded a hundred million dollar clothing company. She took the world by storm as a social media star. He took the world by storm as a famous serial entrepreneur. Together we started a business. And had babies. Now we're figuring out the best ways to do both. Join us as we learn from other entrepreneurs going through the same life struggles.

[00:03:55] As they share their life hacks about success, love, kids. And everything in between. Hello, my friends, and welcome back to Becoming Unshakeable, the Legacy Conversations bonus series. A special edition brought to you by the Entrepreneur Parents Podcast, a community of strong families building unshakable legacies. I'm your host, Ildiko Ferenczi.

[00:04:23] Today, in our last episode, we explored what emotional safety actually looks like inside the home. And how children don't just hear what we say. They experience what is consistently felt. And today, we're taking that one step deeper. Because when that sense of safety feels uncertain, children don't always express more.

[00:04:52] Sometimes they express less. And sometimes they become overwhelmed in ways that feel difficult to understand in the moment. So what we're going to do together today is slow down and bring clarity to what's actually happening underneath those responses. So you can lead those moments with confidence.

[00:05:21] Let's start here. Emotional shutdown is not a personality trait. Okay, we talked about that a little bit earlier. That we don't want to blame it on that and just shove it off. Okay? It's a nervous system response. A learned way of managing overwhelmed, uncertainty, or emotional discomfort.

[00:05:48] Emotional shutdown does not look the same at every age. With older children, it often looks like withdrawal, quiet, perhaps minimal responses or pulling away, going to your room. And with younger children, especially our beautiful little toddlers, it often looks like the opposite. It could intensify.

[00:06:18] It could get quite intense, right? There could be overwhelm, emotional outbursts. And not every child is the same. But these are just some of what that looks like. Because toddlers do not yet have the brain development to regulate emotions on their own.

[00:06:40] But the part of their brain that is responsible for impulse control, emotional regulation, and language is still developing. We touched on this last week. So when a toddler becomes overwhelmed, they don't always withdraw inward. Usually not.

[00:07:10] Right? They overflow outwards. And sometimes that could look like crying, yelling, and sometimes even throwing themselves on the floor. Not because they are being difficult. Not because they are being difficult. Okay? It's because their system is overloaded from a developmental standpoint. This is not misbehavior. It is dysregulation.

[00:07:38] They are not choosing the reaction. They are experiencing it. And we need to understand how to shepherd this through it, through this emotion. And I'm lucky because both of my children are different. Right? So I get to experience a different thing.

[00:08:02] And I was, I was, it was just interesting to share in the community the different ways that children cope. Right? With these emotions. And the reason I whispered that a moment ago is because my children haven't experienced that part. So part of me is like, I don't want to say it loud. My little girl's in here. She's resting.

[00:08:32] My husband brought us a gift home from Hawaii. Brought, brought the little ones a flu. So she's laying here quietly listening. And, um, so I whispered that. Why? I guess because I don't ever want to experience it. But I know a lot of our community has. So how do we navigate that? Okay?

[00:08:57] So let me give you an example that some of the parents shared. So I'm going to put this the best that I can into a great example. Okay? So a children, a child, sorry, a children. A child has a difficult day. Perhaps something happened at school or at practice or one of, one of their classes. And they come home quieter than usual.

[00:09:27] And you may ask, what's wrong? And they say something along the lines of nothing. And then you try again. Right? You can tell me what's wrong. And perhaps they look away, say, I'm fine. Right? And they go up to their room. And the conversation ends there. And from the outside, it could look like resistance.

[00:09:51] But internally, that child might be thinking, I don't know how to explain this. Or I don't want to, I don't want to make it worse. I don't know if I'll be understood. So instead, they choose silence. Right? They choose silence. And we want to be able to navigate these situations and train our children up because

[00:10:20] we don't want that to happen in their adult relationships. So we don't want to pressure them, but we want to be able to give them the tools to navigate this. And with a younger child, it could look like this. Maybe it's, you're in the middle of the day and something small shifts. Right? Or, or maybe it's time to leave. Or leave a playground.

[00:10:49] And maybe, or maybe something didn't go the way that they expected. That can happen many times, can't it? And then suddenly, they're on the thing that I don't want to mention. Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Or crying or, or even more escalated. Screaming. Maybe. Maybe not. Completely overwhelmed.

[00:11:15] And in that moment, it can feel, it can feel like defiance. But what's actually happening is that their system, their system has exceeded what they can handle and they don't yet have the tools to bring themselves back. That's why it's important to, to pour into our children, to give them the tools so that

[00:11:43] they don't have to go to those places. Okay? So they need something external, calm, right? Calm, presence, and regulation through you. And listen, I want to say this gently because every child is different.

[00:12:05] And in our home, the thing that I mentioned, that my children haven't expressed emotion in that way, right? I, I truly believe it's that they've always felt very safe coming to me. That they've been able to communicate, to process, to, to move through what they are feeling.

[00:12:30] Daniel easier and destiny, a little more work had to be poured into her. And I'm not sharing this as comparison because I need to say it. All children are different. Okay? It is not a standard for anyone else because every child has a different temperament. And that's a blessing.

[00:12:56] Please look at it that way because God gives us different lessons and blessings because they are, I feel, I really do feel this. And we're talking about this in the community too, that the different things that we have raising our children or even in marriage is because we need to learn those things. Okay? We need to learn those things.

[00:13:25] These are things that God has specifically blessed us with so we can learn the different lessons that he wants us to learn. I know it sounds wild, but this is what we came up with. And, and it was just really beautiful to talk about.

[00:13:46] So, anyway, every child has, has a different temperament, different sense sensitivities, right? Different way of expressing what they're experiencing internally, right? And what I do believe deeply is this, that children need to feel what they feel and they need to be guided in how to move through those emotions, right?

[00:14:15] This is on us. This is our blessing. Not to suppress our children or not to ignore them because we're uncomfortable, but, but to allow those emotion, um, emotions to, to, to move through them, never letting them to become harmful to themselves or others, right? We talked about this.

[00:14:44] We talked about this, about not being mean, right? Not hitting, hurting others. But we do have to remember that emotion, emotional expression and emotional leadership, it's not the same thing. And part of our role as parents is help, is, is helping our children.

[00:15:11] It's helping our children to learn both, right? So, whether it shows up as silence or intensity, the root is often the same, right? The nervous system does not yet feel safe enough to settle because before children can regulate themselves, they rely on co-regulation.

[00:15:39] And we touched on this before many times because this is, this is foundational. And co-regulation, if you're just jumping in and you missed previous episodes or previous conversation, co-regulation means your calm becomes their reference point. Your presence becomes their stability. They are not just learning from you over time.

[00:16:07] They are regulating through you in real time. Scripture reminds us in the book of Proverbs chapter 15 verse 1, a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. And what's so powerful about this is that it reveals how deeply our response shapes the moment.

[00:16:35] Not just the words we choose, but the tone, the presence and, and the posture behind them. Scripture consistently calls us to be people who are patient, right? Attentive and intentional in how we respond to one another.

[00:17:00] To listen with care, to speak with steadiness and to lead with what? Understanding. And there's something especially meaningful in this. When we consider the role we've been given as parents, is it not a privilege?

[00:17:25] It is a privilege to shepherd the hearts of our children, right? To guide them with, with wisdom, to care for them with presence, with presence. Don't miss it, right? To lead them with intention and love. Because when we slow down enough to truly listen, we create space.

[00:17:54] And that space is what allows our children to soften, to feel safe in time to, to open, right? To, it's okay. It's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to open. It's okay. It's okay to move through these things, right? Right? We get to be their shepherd. We get to shepherd them.

[00:18:24] It's beautiful. It's a beautiful image, right? The little sheep. We shepherd them, right? We shepherd them through life. Here is the shift many people don't immediately see. You don't build safety by controlling every single moment. We've talked about this. You build safety by becoming emotionally reliable within those moments.

[00:18:53] And this applies, this applies whether your child is withdrawing or overwhelmed because, so listen, over time, your child is not just reacting to the situation. They are learning what to expect from you inside of it. They are learning, will I be met with calm or escalation?

[00:19:23] So read yourself. What do you do? Will I be guided or corrected too quickly? Right? Read yourself. If, well, here's, here's another one. Will I feel supported or alone in this moment? Think back to when you were a kid, right?

[00:19:50] When you were a child, these moments are so important, right? And when those answers become consistent, something begins to change internally. Their system is no, it no longer has to brace because it recognizes, I know what happens here.

[00:20:16] And that recognition, I'm tripping. I'm trying to see if she's sleeping. She fell asleep. And that recognition, it creates stability. Okay. And it's not because every moment is, ah, I hate using this word, but it's not because every moment is perfect, right?

[00:20:46] It's because your presence becomes steady. It becomes a safe place, right? It can be, it can be if we work at it, right? Can be. Before you reach for that coffee, consider this. What if the energy boost you're looking for isn't in your cup, but in your cells?

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[00:22:04] Click the link below down in the bio and get your Sheila J today. So here are some examples. Okay. I want to, I want a blueprint that we can apply today. Just some, just somewhere to start. Okay. So with older children, you can use something like, you don't have the words right now. It's okay. I'm here.

[00:22:34] Even if we just sit quietly, we can come back to this when you're ready. Okay. Okay. It's just little, little invitations to bring them back in, to help them, to shepherd them, to help them communicate what is going on inside.

[00:23:00] And with younger children, I see how big this feels right now. That would even work for me. I'm right here with you. Okay. Because emotions can be really overwhelming. It could be overwhelming. Or let's slow this down together. Okay. Okay. Okay.

[00:23:30] So that's not what we're trying to do. We're not trying to correct it immediately, but we're, oh, and also, also, I just, I want to add that we're, we're not trying to re we're not trying to be reasoning prematurely either, right? We want to create stability first because when a child feels emotionally anchored, right?

[00:23:59] They, they become far more open to guidance. And in those moments, you're not just helping them through behavior. You're teaching them how to move through emotions without losing connection. And sometimes this is tougher. If you have an adult in the house that hasn't mastered their emotions that are actually working

[00:24:28] on their emotions. So you could have a spouse, for example, a husband that's still working on his, his rage and his emotions. Listen, we're being real here. These are real conversations. There are some angry spouses that have stuff that they took with them from childhood.

[00:24:52] So these are examples in the homes and we need to work on those, right? With our spouses, our school, first of all, our spouse needs to take accountability and responsibility and work on that. But if previously these have been examples, right? Children mirror.

[00:25:15] So now we have to put in the work so they don't take that with them into relationships in the future, right? So it's harder work in those instances. But I wanted to mention that because that was part of the conversations that we had in the community.

[00:25:37] Now, when a child feels met instead of managed, understood, sorry, I had a hiccup, understood instead of corrected, supported instead of rushed, right?

[00:26:02] Just rushing them, rushing them through, through it or, or correcting them without letting them explore, right? Or, or completely managed. Their system begins to shift, right? It begins to shift. And as that shift happens, their capacity to express, right?

[00:26:31] Their, their, to be able to process and, and to reconnect this, this is a beautiful part. It begins to expand because emotional safety, it, it, it, it's not going to, it's not going to force expression. Okay.

[00:26:57] It makes, it makes expression possible, right? It makes it possible. And that is such an aha moment. It's such a beautiful moment, right? That, that it's, it's possible that we can express ourselves safely in a way that I want to say, I just want to say in a beautiful way, right?

[00:27:23] It doesn't have to be, it doesn't have to get all, uh, crazy. It doesn't have to, right? It doesn't have to, because if we have the tools, everything changes, right? Everything changes. It becomes, it becomes a beautiful place. It becomes enjoyable, right? Communication. I can handle any situation.

[00:27:50] So just remember, remember your child is not intentionally shutting you out, right? We saw that in the older children in the community. Just know they're not intentionally shutting you out. They are protecting something that they don't yet know how to express, right? And we have to give them the tools. We have to give them the tools so that they don't take this into their adult relationships, right?

[00:28:20] And our role as parents is not to force it open, but to make it safer. And we have to give them the tools and help them out. So we need to learn some of the tools, right? And that's the tools that we need to help them. Let's take a moment to reflect and ask ourselves these questions. When my child withdraws or becomes overwhelmed, how do I respond first?

[00:28:52] Okay. Think of it. Just imagine the situation. Just walk through it in your head. Do you become triggered? Do you become soft and understanding or do you explode? What happens? Don't judge it, but write it down because that's how we could do the honest work by taking accountability and moving from there. Okay. What does that story look like? What does that situation look like?

[00:29:18] Do I move quickly into correction or do I create space for regulation? What might my child be feeling that they don't yet have words for? I love this because I love to put myself in my children's shoes. Okay. What does that look like for me at their age?

[00:29:45] It answers so many questions that way, right? I just put myself into someone else's shoes. We do this as adults in our relationships, in our businesses. We have to do it with our children. We have to put ourselves into their shoes. They don't even have the dialogue yet to communicate that. How can I give them the tools? What can I help?

[00:30:12] How can I help them best express what they're feeling, right? Some children don't have the vocabulary quickly. Both of my children learned to sign before they could speak. And I'm telling you that this is a game changer. If you have a baby or you're pregnant, start learning how to sign. This is so wild.

[00:30:42] They will learn how to sign before they can speak. It is so good for their brains. And it is so good for you because you know exactly what they want. They want milk. They want water. Well, when they're a little bit older, but they can already tell you they want milky, milky. They're tired. All the things. It is so great. So anyway, what might my child be feeling that they don't yet have words for?

[00:31:10] And this goes for older children, teenagers. Sometimes they just cannot put it into words. Sometimes I can't always put it into words. So I have to take those moments to really think and be with myself. Where can I become more steady in my presence? Wow. Right? Where can I become more steady in my presence? What would I like?

[00:31:37] Or let me, okay. What would it look like to lead these moments with calm and clarity? Imagine, imagine the situation and imagine how you want it to be. Write that down. Beautiful. Beautiful. I know this is hard sometimes.

[00:32:05] So I appreciate your honesty. I appreciate you taking accountability. Okay? This is beautiful. Compare it. Compare it with your spouse. Have the conversations. What did it look like when you were a child? Right? This will give you, this will give you a roadmap to understand your children better. Now let's come into agreement with prayer. Come on, prayer partners.

[00:32:33] I love you. Heavenly Father, help us become patient in moments that feel uncertain. Give us the wisdom to recognize what is happening beneath the surface. Teach us to lead with presence. Help us to let go of the pressures.

[00:33:09] Help us to let go of the pressures. In Jesus' name, amen.

[00:33:31] Friends, if your child has moments of shutting down, don't be afraid of that. Okay? This is something we as parents need to learn how to understand. Okay? Because when you understand it, you begin to respond with greater clarity, right?

[00:34:00] Greater clarity and intention. And the same thing for our little ones that are having the big feelings. It's the same thing. Once we start to understand it all, we can handle it in a loving way that really connects with our little ones. That gives them tools for life. Because this stuff sticks with you. Okay? It sticks with you for life. Okay?

[00:34:31] And remember that the child, our children, they will not open up when they feel pushed. Okay? They will open up when they feel safe. So create that environment. Create that environment. If this episode spoke to you and resonated or touched your heart, share it with another parent.

[00:35:01] Okay? Share it with someone who needs this language. Who needs this conversation. Okay? Because these conversations, these conversations are how families begin to shift. And if you haven't already, please, please leave a review and five golden stars. That's all I ask. That's all we ask. Okay? We're not asking for anything else.

[00:35:30] But this helps the message reach more homes. And it helps reach more children. Right? More homes. More children. And it reaches those children by a way that communicates to them. They notice the change.

[00:35:56] They notice the change in your marriage. And they notice the change in your relationship with them when it becomes more intentional. Right? When you're putting in the work. And as I said before, there's a ton of families. There are tons of families that are like, it's fine. I grew up like this. This is the way that it is. Okay? We're fine. There's nothing wrong here.

[00:36:26] Well, this isn't the community for those families. This is the community for the ones that want to lead and shepherd their children in a different way. Right? We're breaking chains. We're breaking chains. And if you are doing it right, because some of us in this community are, then that's great.

[00:36:49] That is great because the community gets to lean into families like that. Okay? That have actually put in the work before they had children and before they got married. Because it doesn't just happen naturally. Sometimes you've done all the work before.

[00:37:11] So it goes, I want to say, you can anchor into something when something comes up. Because I'm not saying that it's going to be perfect forever. There are always things coming up. But if you have the tools, you know how to handle that. Right? Destiny just gave me the cutest look. She's, oh, and she's back asleep.

[00:37:39] So listen, I want to, I thought she was going to wake up and I wanted to have her invite you too. But listen, I want to personally invite you to listen as a family to the Entrepreneur Kids Legacy show with Daniel and Destiny.

[00:37:58] And if you feel, if you feel called to support the mission or leave a gift, produce a show, you can do, you can do that. You can do that at buymeacoffee.com backslash entrepreneur kids. They appreciate it. I mentioned this the other day. Their eyes just light up. They grow into saucers. And they love, they love the inspirational notes.

[00:38:27] You can make it public or you can make it private. It's just so sweet. They appreciate it so much. They, they, and here's the, here's the sweet thing. That every night, they're, right. They pray for our community. They pray for the children in the community and they pray for the parents. So that's what, that's what I'm talking about is that the families that want to put the work in or that have put the work in.

[00:38:57] And this is just confirmation. I just, how do I, I get, honestly, I get emotional when I think about it, but I'm just honestly so grateful for this community.

[00:39:17] The way that you respond in your child's quiet or overwhelming moments teaches our children whether their voice is safe to share. Okay. That is the thought that I want to wrap up on today. That is the thought. God bless you. Glory to God always. We love you.

[00:39:46] And we will see you soon. Thank you, beautiful friends, for listening to this important message from Mama. Share with someone you love and care about. Oh, and we'd love to personally invite you to listen to our podcast. It's for young future leaders ready to change the world and be a light in the dark. Listen together as a family.

[00:40:14] It's called the Arsenal Kids. Told you yet. Good job. And remember, you are the hero of your story.

[00:40:44] Because every legacy begins with a hero. And that hero is you. This podcast is for inspirational and educational purposes only. And it is not intended to replace professional advice, legal advice, diagnosis, or treatment. The views expressed are based on personal experience and faith-based insight and are meant to encourage reflection and growth.

[00:41:13] Always seek the guidance of qualified professionals regarding any questions or concerns you may have about your health, relationships, or business. Thank you.