The Power of Active Listening and Empathy; Divorce proofing your marriage part 7 of 10

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[00:00:30] Typically in a conflict, you know, one half wants to get defensive and maybe one half isn't going at it right. They're attacking a little bit. And so you have to find that common ground where somebody's live, because you can't, if you're being defensive, you can't be listening. Right. You just can't do them both at the same time. Uh, no.

[00:01:00] Ooh, that's better, right babe? Yeah! Yeah. She founded an architectural concrete company. He founded a hundred million dollar clothing company. She took the world by storm as a social media star. He took the world by storm as a famous serial entrepreneur. Together we started a business. And had babies. Now we're figuring out the best ways to do both.

[00:01:25] Join us as we learn from other entrepreneurs going through the same life struggles. As they share their life hacks about success, love, kids. And everything in between. Ultimately, the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or friendship, is conversation. Quote by Oscar Wilde. Empathy is not sympathy or compassion. It's something else.

[00:01:54] It's about standing somebody else's suit. Quote by Renee Brown. Welcome to this week's episode of the Pretty and Punk Podcast. My name is Dan Caldwell. And I'm here with my beautiful co-host and partner and wife, Ildiko Ferenzi. Ildiko Ferenzi. Yeah. Yeah. I just wasn't sure when you're going to stop. I wanted to say, I didn't, I didn't mean to say your name, but I was going to let you

[00:02:23] say it, but I did anyway. And we have the seventh part of our 10 part series on divorce proofing your marriage today. And it's another good one. And it's something that we spoke a little bit about last week, but I think there's the really important parts this week. I think it was the gateway of opening the conversation for this week. Yeah. It started, it started what we're going to be talking about this week.

[00:02:51] And, and that's about active listening and empathy, especially during disagreements, but it doesn't need to be during a disagreement because it's important to have that throughout your relationship, throughout the good times and the bad times. And sometimes people just need to talk and you, we, you need to be in communication like that. But before we jump into that, Hey guys, we hope you're enjoying today's episode of the pretty punk podcast.

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[00:03:46] We want to celebrate you because we know it's not easy being a parent in business and the way that you juggle things makes you a superhero. That's worth a shout out together. We have a community of our personal followers as well. And we just want to put it out there. We want to show everybody that this juggle is possible and you are our family. And we're so proud and grateful to have you a part of this family.

[00:04:13] So don't forget the sh all the links are below in the show notes. And thank you again. And let's get back to the show. So listen, guys, active listening and empathy aren't just tools to resolve disagreements. That's not when you have to pull it out. This is an essential practice for building connection and trust every single day.

[00:04:38] So you need to be practicing active listening every day and empathy and just regular conversations. Because I'm telling you, if you have strong active listening skills, let's call it that, you're not going to argue as much. And then, well, we'll get into the other stuff later. I would say you almost never argue if you get really good at it. Yeah, yeah.

[00:05:04] If you hone these skills, you're not going to lead to the dreadful arguments or feeling unheard or fighting to be heard. I think that that's really, really important. And we're going to explore today practicing these habits daily. It really matters to bring your empathy into the disagreements and also into the regular conversations.

[00:05:31] And this works for both sides because there's a time when you, as a husband, might be going through something. You know, you might be going through a hard time at your office, at your business, at your company, or, you know, you both together might be working together like we do.

[00:05:50] And, you know, sometimes you have these moments where you're running a business together, your best friends together, your parents together, you're traveling together, you're doing everything together. And, you know, sometimes that's hard. And it takes a toll on a relationship. And if you can't have these moments where you go, look, I just need to talk for a second.

[00:06:15] And, you know, we need to talk about this because I wasn't maybe okay with the way this went down and I have to have a conversation about it. And we need to figure out how to fix this going forward. And that may mean in your business or in your personal relationship or as a parent. Yeah. So it's important. That's right. Active listening, it just has to be a daily habit, not just for conflict. So look at it this way.

[00:06:45] Listening is about connection and not convenience. So practicing active listening daily shows your spouse. And these are the three important things I was listening to an interview the other day. And the gentleman, he never heard of this, but this is the most important thing as women and as husbands or men that we're looking for.

[00:07:10] We are looking to be seen, heard and valued even in the smallest moments. So we need to practice these things diligently daily. Listening during everyday conversation builds that foundation of trust and it makes it easier to navigate disagreements when they do arise.

[00:07:33] So just remember that the small acts of listening lead to huge, to really big impacts. Asking things like, how was your day? And I know that that's probably one of the most common things. How are you doing? How are you feeling? But remember the little things, the little details, the things that she likes, the things that he likes, the things that, that, that we don't like.

[00:08:00] The little details when you remember those. And also do keep this in mind for new relationships, because when you remember the little details, like she loves champion roses or even, even, you know, your colleagues at work, just remembering the little details. It, it, it, it, it, it builds really great relationships.

[00:08:23] I remember my mom really being so, um, she would ask questions and really listen to the small details. And then at Christmas time or when someone was having a baby, she would remember the things that they liked, or especially for her, she was an incredible cook and she would remember the foods that they liked. And even if say it was a Canadian or Polish or, or whatever kind of dish, she would remember those dishes.

[00:08:52] And when someone had a baby or they were dealing with illness, she would make those dishes. And I can't even, cause I would always be with her. I can't even explain the look in their eyes. And during my business, I would always remember certain people's anniversaries or just remember the small details. I'm telling you, it will go a long way, not only in your relationship, but in business.

[00:09:18] And, you know, I think it's important just to say, um, when you're talking about like, how was your day too? And guys, I know I'm speaking to you right now because I know we can get really, we can get like this. We have our own day too, right? And our own day was difficult. You know, we were dealing with a lot of stuff, a lot of phone calls, maybe some disappointment. Maybe things didn't go the way you want them to. Maybe they did. Maybe we're excited about something. But when you ask how somebody's day is, you got to stop and listen. Yes.

[00:09:45] Because you may say it as just word candy, you know, because you're, it's the right thing to say. It's the right thing to say. Or you get into a habit of it. A habit, yeah. Um, but if you're not listening, but I can't, and the words can just roll off your tongue. Yeah. And if you're not listening, you know, so I might ask you how, Hey, how are you doing? How was your day? How are you doing today? But in my head, I'm thinking about, I'm about to tell you what I did today. Right.

[00:10:14] Which was really cool. Right. And if, and, and you look at me with like, well, this is what happened, but I'm ready to say what I'm ready to say and I'm not listening. Yes. So I have to be in the frame of mind where I'm ready to take in whatever you said. And I know this sounds kind of, you know, some guys are going to be like, well, you know, you know, that's, we're fine. We don't need, I'm telling you, you may sometimes think you're fine, but maybe your wife's not fine. Yeah. And she's going through something.

[00:10:44] And I was, you know, I'm not, I'm, I, first of all, I'm not always the best at this. I, and I was, and I've definitely been really bad at this before in the past, but I, I, I work on it because I want to be better at it. Yeah. I want to be a, a person who's attentive to your feelings because I know you're dealing with a lot. You have medical issues and things that you've been through in the past. I am healed. I'm healed. I know you're healed. I know you're healed.

[00:11:12] But I asked you this morning, I said, Hey, how are you feeling this morning? And you said, I'm going through something. And so, you know, I want to be attentive to that. So I asked you a lot about how you're feeling and what's, what you're going through. And I feel like, you know, I could still be better. And some people might say that, Oh, I don't even do it that much. And some people might say, I do a lot better than that. But, you know, I'm trying to get better, but I feel like I'm, I'm on my way. I'm doing a lot better than I was.

[00:11:41] If I'm grading myself against the old me, the 10 years ago, I would say I'm a lot better than I was 10 years ago. Yeah. So, I mean, and that's important. Pausing to engage with either party's concerns, just, just to, to make note of it, to connect. It's a, it's a form of connection, which is really, really important. What? I was just thinking about it.

[00:12:07] You were telling me, you know, like back when we first met, you know, I was, I was so, I don't know. I don't know what it was like. You said, you know, I, you bought me something and I, I was like, I can't remember what it was, like a sweater jacket or something. I bought you like a, like a really expensive jacket because we're having a conversation and I wouldn't be, if I was ever dating again, I would never be like this.

[00:12:37] I was like a total sugar mama. And I just, I didn't have, I'd like, I only had the example of my mom. You were chasing a good guy is what you were doing. No, but I was always so generous with everybody. And I learned from my mom. I loved her language was gift giving and just remembering to surprise people. And I would always get that back because I loved, I loved that. And I would do that for people.

[00:13:03] And I do remember listening to, and I remember like, I just really eat your style. We needed to work on that a little bit. Well, I was, I was, you know, I was, I was in a busy, busy time in my life and you like flew out to Vegas. And you're like wearing this tattery old leather jacket. And I was like, I got it. That was a brand new leather jacket that just looked like that. It was ugly. It was so ugly. That's how it was supposed to look. That's how it looked.

[00:13:30] And your pants, your pants were like hanging and I'm like, oh, you gotta wear a belt or something. That's how I dress. But what I'm saying is that I wasn't real attentive. Like I should have thanked you more. I feel like I just kind of like, I was in my own world. I wanted to surprise him, but I guess that was kind of my fault was I, I guess I, I just assumed as a gentleman, you would get someone something for Christmas.

[00:13:56] And I just assumed like, once I gave him his gift, I was like, oh, I wonder what he's gotten me. Nothing. Big fat, nothing. You gotta think of this. Classy. I'm like, thanks. Classy. Classy. I was such a jerk. You were too classy. I was a jerk. Anyway. So it was fun. There was lots of fun. I don't know what was wrong with me. I'm even trying to think, I wish I had a good excuse for myself.

[00:14:24] Like, you know, the only excuse I have if I'm going to be defensive for a second is that I was at a really busy time in my life. But other than that, I have no excuse. I don't even know what I said. I was like, how did I let you get me a Christmas present, but I didn't get you anything? I don't know. Anyway. Okay. See, that's, see, this is where we gotta be attentive. I kept trying to leave. Active listening and empathy guys.

[00:14:53] Anyway. Now we're stuck together. I was gonna let you go. Now we're stuck together now. We're gonna let you just go. You were chasing the goods. Hold on. James 1, I just really want to add this in there. James 1, 19. Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Because I was kind of trying to just squeeze out of that conversation.

[00:15:20] This wisdom reminds us that listening is a choice and an act of love, even when there's no disagreement. So just remember that. Yeah, because when there's a dis, I don't know, do you want to get in disagreement yet? I don't know if I want to say it yet, but you know, if you, if you. No, I wanted to slide into. Well, I mean, if you will have a word on it. Well, I just, I just feel like that, you know, there is a, so not only do you need to

[00:15:47] have this when there aren't disagreements because then you are in tune with your partner. Yeah. And you guys haven't connected. You're connected and you realize if, you know, somebody, sometimes we're carrying stuff on our shoulders and we don't want to lay it on our, our spouse. No. Yeah. There's things when I, I'll take on that, um, that, uh, stress and I'll carry that stress because I don't want you to have to go through it. Right. And I think moms are like that too.

[00:16:16] They have so much going on. They're nursing all night long. Until you break down. Yeah. Yeah. Because one, you really are so much more guarded. You don't, well, this is, I can speak for myself. I am very conscious about getting emotional, angry, any of those things, because I know little eyes are watching, even if you were go, go into another room, um, they're going to hear.

[00:16:44] That's why you have to be so tactical about the things that you talk about, how you talk about them, all those things. So sometimes as mothers, we choose to maybe cry and cry in the shower a little bit and then you're good, but you don't get to fully explore, uh, the emotions that are bubbling up underneath. Maybe, maybe, I guess we could call it that.

[00:17:08] And the truth is, like, I'm kind of the guy, like, I still, I still tell you guys, you can, guys should hide it. Okay. That's just my personal feeling. Like people can disagree with me. I feel like guys should carry it. Um, but, and there's things that I will talk about, but the bigger things I'll carry. Yeah. But I don't want my wife going through that. I don't want her having to carry this. But we know. I'm willing to carry it. We know. That's me as a man. I'm going to stand up and carry these things.

[00:17:38] That's what men do. I feel like as women, we're so connected, even the flash of an eye or something. Here's the thing is. We know something's going on. So it's better that you just communicate. Yeah, but here's the thing. Because we'll take it personally. I need you at a hundred percent. And that's why men, we need to make sure our spouses are okay because I promise you,

[00:18:00] and I'm sure if you can think back for a second, if your wife is on tilt or there's something going on and she's sideways and she's taking it out on everybody around her. I wouldn't do that though. But it could happen. It could happen for sure.

[00:18:18] And it's, I'm just saying that if you're not in a good place, like if you're dealing with something and you're not operating at a hundred percent, I am going not. I'm just saying that when we're not in a good place, I'm not going to get on my bad days.