Does Your Family Get the Best You, Or What's Left of You?

[00:00:00] A friend shared something with me the other day. It wasn't a big argument, it wasn't gossip or anything like that. We don't do that here. There was no slam doors or a dramatic ending to this situation. But it was one of those small moments that could have passed without anyone even mentioning it.

[00:00:26] But it stayed with her. And after she told me, it stayed with me too. She said her spouse's phone rang in the middle of a difficult afternoon. And she watched his whole expression change. His voice softened. He answered warmly, listened patiently. She could tell he was annoyed, but he was just so patient. He even laughed and the call ended.

[00:00:56] And she walked into the room and she asked just a simple ordinary question. Nothing demanding or unkind. But the answer she received was short and sharp, heavy with frustration that had nothing to do with her. Maybe even had to do with the conversation. And she told me, I remember standing there thinking,

[00:01:22] How did someone outside of our marriage, so basically a stranger, I just received the gentlest version of the person I love while I received everything he was holding back. And in that moment, something uncomfortable became clear.

[00:01:45] The world had just received his kindness while his family received the weight he was carrying. That sentence stayed with me. Because sometimes the people closest to us don't receive the worst of who we are, but they do receive the weight of everything we carried gracefully for everyone else.

[00:02:11] And without realizing it, we can offer the world our patience. And then when it comes to home, we could give our family whatever is left. Uh, no. Ooh, that's better, right babe? Yeah! Yeah.

[00:02:39] She founded an architectural concrete company. He founded a hundred million dollar clothing company. She took the world by storm as a social media star. He took the world by storm as a famous serial entrepreneur. Together we started a business. And had babies. Now we're figuring out the best ways to do both. Join us as we learn from other entrepreneurs going through the same life struggles. As they share their life hacks about success, love, kids. And everything in between.

[00:03:10] Welcome to 5 Minutes That Could Change Your Day. A short conversation from... It's okay. My son just sneezed. That's funny. Yeah. Welcome to 5 Minutes That Could Change Your Day. A short conversation from the Entrepreneur Parents Podcast, created to meet you wherever the day finds you. I'm Ildiko Ferenczi.

[00:03:36] And if we were sitting across the table from each other right now, I would tell you this. The people who feel safest to us often become the people around whom we are least careful. Not in every situation, but sometimes. And it's not because we love them less.

[00:04:05] But it's because somewhere inside, we believe they will still be there after the pressure passes. Right? We don't have to be as careful. They know us. They know our intentions. I didn't mean to snap, but I'm stressed out. They'll understand.

[00:04:27] And we can hold ourselves together for the meeting or the boss or the family member that we're talking to. We choose our words carefully, so carefully with the customer or the extended family or whoever it may be. It could be anyone. But what happens? Right?

[00:04:56] They remain, they remain composed around people who don't know us the way that the family. I'm talking about, cause there's, there's external family. Right? And then there's the Holy Covenant and then the chill, the babies. So they see us every day, 24 seven.

[00:05:19] And sometimes we come to believe that they should know us for who we are maybe. Right? So for example, when we come home and release everything, we were disciplined enough to not give the rest of the world. Our families receive a sign. Right? They receive, they receive something. They see it.

[00:05:49] They see the clues. It's when we sigh or, or the impatience, it starts to grow. Or maybe it just kind of filters through, filters through and it just leaves this, this little imprint. I'm starting to get impatient. I'm starting to get impatient. Or, or the tone that says, you're one more thing I have to manage. Ugh.

[00:06:14] We may not mean that, but love is, it's not only communicated through what we mean. It's also communicated through what the other person repeatedly experiences. A child, they may not understand financial pressure. Of course that, of course not.

[00:06:36] And nor should they, or your spouse may not know what happened on the call before they entered the room. They didn't know that the tension or the grilling or whatever it could be, that there was a tension going on and you were holding it together. And then when they entered the room, all of a sudden things changed.

[00:07:05] They only know how your voice made them feel when you came, when you came near or when they came near you. This isn't about, it's, it's not that your family needs to have the perfect version of you. Homes are lived in. And of course, it's not that your family needs to have the perfect version of you. Parents get overwhelmed. Spouses become tired.

[00:07:35] Voices, sometimes they rise. But when your tone causes hurt or some kind of pain, love should lead us back to repair. Not later, when everyone has learned to move around the tension and tiptoe and walk on eggshells and, and oh gosh, we got to avoid that. Oh gosh, they're talking to so-and-so. Just don't even go in there.

[00:08:05] Now we can say that came out more harshly than you deserved. You're not the cause of what I was carrying. I was stressed out because of the conversation that I was having. Let me, let me, let me answer you again. That wasn't fair. I, let me take it back. Let's start over.

[00:08:31] Remember, those words do not weaken your authority. They don't make you a weak person. They make your love feel safe enough to trust because you've taken accountability.

[00:08:48] We were talking about this yesterday, that we can't blame other people for a relationship or the things that, that are happening. We have to take responsibility. If we're overweight, that's our fault. It's our responsibility because there's things to do. Even if you don't have a gym membership, you can do your sit ups.

[00:09:17] There's other things that you have YouTube. There's so many things that you could do to avoid it. So in the end, that's your fault, right? If your relationship isn't going well, you don't complain and say it's his fault or her fault. What do you do? You take accountability and all the questions were so good. So good.

[00:09:41] I don't have them in front of me, but, but basically you have to identify the problem, right? My son sitting here with me, identify the problem. What do you want the outcome to be? Right? And, and what are you going to do to take action, to change it? Because you can identify it. You could blame, oh, it's, it's a, it's, it's, it's my husband's fault. I'm not, I can't go to the gym. I've got the babies. I've got all this stuff going on.

[00:10:09] I can't go to the gym, but there are certain things that you can do. We can get rid of all the junk food. We could change the meal plan and there's a little things that we can do. We can even do the kids when, when the kids were babies, I would even use them as weights. My children were so needy. Okay. They were so needy. And I love that.

[00:10:35] I love it because I'll never, you're never going to get those moments back. So I love that about a baby. I love that. I would use them as weights. I would do squats with them. I would do the things. And then as a toddler, I would, I would again, just make it happen. And it doesn't have to be just about that.

[00:10:59] If your relationship has problems, you identify the problems, but you can't just say it's the other person's fault. You have to figure out what you're doing and then you need to learn from that. Or, I mean, the list is long. Financial problems, figure out what you can do. Okay. Maybe you're listening to, to ding dongs, taking advice from people that, that, uh, you shouldn't

[00:11:27] be taking advice to talk to some other people, open the door to other people, read books. Right? Again, we have, we have things that we can do. Before you walk into the next room today, pause at the doorway. Take a breath and ask yourself, what am I about to place into this room?

[00:11:54] Is it the frustration from somewhere else or the presence of the person I want my family to remember? You don't have to, you don't have to pretend or act like you're not under pressure. It's okay to have pressure. We're human. We're human. We need to work through these things.

[00:12:17] You can say, I've had a difficult day and I need a few quiet moments so that, so that I don't speak to you from a place I'm going to regret. And your loved one is going to understand at that point that they're not being rejected, that they're, that they're, they're actually being protected in a place of safety because because you've been talking to someone that puts tremendous stress, stress and pressure

[00:12:47] on you. And when you have that conversation and communicate that, that's a breath of fresh air for your spouse. That is safety. That that's responsibility. That's being, that's being a great leader. And as a mother and a father, we're both leaders and our older children, they're leaders too. And this is a phenomenal example for them.

[00:13:16] Your family doesn't, it doesn't need to always witness the perfectly calm version of you. Okay. Let's get that straight. They need, they need to see you be honest. They need the honest version of you. The version of you who knows how to return, to navigate emotions in a safe way.

[00:13:41] Someone who notices someone, someone who repairs, repair is so important, not just in your relationship, but, but, but in all relationships, or I should say, not just your holy covenant, but in all relationships. Someone who remembers that the people inside the home are not where patience needs to run out or, or should run out or should be allowed to run out.

[00:14:09] People, um, give the people you love the voice you want them to carry with them long after this season is over. Any of our women in our community, they remember everything. They got memories like elephants. They say, it hurt my heart so bad.

[00:14:39] When, when my spouse or a family member says, said this, it hurt my heart so bad. And people could say, well, you're still holding on to that. I can't believe that you're literally discussing this situation. It was a year ago. That's not going to heal the pain.

[00:15:08] That kind of communication is not going to heal the pain. Or if you see someone talk about that, talk like that, about your spouse, that's painful to you. You may not express it, but that's painful. That's someone you love. And yes, maybe you're venting or trying to express something, but then you see how it's actually looked

[00:15:36] at when you step back and you invite God in your life and realize, dang it, I should have been praying over my spouse. I should have been praying for advice on, on how to navigate forward. That's what I love about our community and the communities that I'm a part of. We pray over each other. We don't, we don't judge, but we are honest and we do give proper feedback.

[00:16:05] But prayer is a big part, huge part. Find your brothers and sisters in Christ that pray over your marriage. Not just, not try to separate it or, or, or side with you. Oh, my mother was so good at that. She was always so careful because what she understood was sometimes as a spouse, as we do, we get frustrated with each other.

[00:16:34] And we want that validation of see, see, right, right. I'm right. They're awful. They're horrific. I can't believe it. Can't believe it. My mom would always say, step back. She would make me count the blessings and she would pray with me over my spouse. Even though I, I sometimes I would hate to do it. I hate it. I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. I was so hurt.

[00:17:04] It was so hurt. She'd make me step back and pray. That's what our community does too. Even reaching out. Can you pray over my marriage? Things aren't good. And I don't know who to lean into, but can you pray over my marriage? Because she always knew eventually repair comes, but then you don't forget. And you almost take, well, not almost. You take it personally of what those other people have said about your spouse, even though

[00:17:33] you wanted validation in the moment when the, when the enemy was stepping in saying, destroy your marriage or however it talks in your, in your ear. Oh, he's so terrible. She's so terrible. Destroy it. Divorce. Call the divorce. Whatever it is. I don't know. I don't know how far it gets, but you're willing to do it. You're wanting that validation. Ah, that's yes. Yes. See exactly. They're wrong. They're horrific.

[00:18:04] Surround yourself with the good, good counsel. Hmm. Friends. Thank you for sitting across from me for this beautiful conversation. I hope it, I hope it hit you. I hope it made you smile. I hope it made you realize that, ah, yeah, you know what? That, that could be me sometimes. And I got to get better at repair or I had, yeah. Why do I listen to those people?

[00:18:33] They just, they heat me up. They heat me up and they turn me against my husband. And dang it. There was a few times I was used. I was almost going to sign the, the line, whatever it is. Listen to the conversations. What did they say? My heart breaks for you guys. Gosh, I can't believe this is happening. Can I pray with you for a second?

[00:18:59] Or even more transparent and more, uh, you know, the, the, the gentlemen in the community, they call it out. Listen, she's feeling this way or he's feeling this way. Let's pray about it. And then come, let's talk about it tomorrow. Uh huh. May something you heard in these five, five, in these five minutes that you spent with

[00:19:27] me today, stay with you and change the way you walk into the rest of today. If this conversation brought someone you loved in mind that you care about, please share it with them. Subscribe. So you never miss a conversation, leave a kind review and five star. If this show has, has encouraged you and, and come find me on social media, introduce yourself.

[00:19:53] Uh, tell me, tell me how, how we could help, how we could pray over your business or your marriage or, or just let me know what you're, what you're trying to accomplish your goals. We're so grateful to have you a part of this community. And, uh, I, I look forward to connecting with you there. And if you have little ones, make sure you're listening to the entrepreneur parents podcast and don't forget, or sorry, not entrepreneur.

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[00:20:50] I'm so grateful for you. Buy me a coffee. You could do it there. Just leave me a little message. It could be private. It could be public. And, uh, I love you. I love you. Leave your Instagram handle. Cause I know a lot of people snoop and try to see not snoop in a bad way, but they like to see the messages that others leave there when they, they leave a gift for either myself or, or for the children.

[00:21:15] And again, we're so grateful for you and we'll meet you right back here soon. And until then, God bless you. We love you. And always remember, God loves you. And you're amazing. You were fearfully and wonderfully made. God bless you. Talk soon. Thank you, beautiful friends for listening to this important message from mama. Share with someone you love and care about.

[00:21:44] Oh, and we'd love to personally invite you to listen to our podcast. It's for young future leaders ready to change the world and be a light in the dark. Listen together as a family. It's called the Entrepreneur Kids Legacy Show. We know you'll love it. Be bold. Be kind. Build an unforgettable family legacy.

[00:22:13] God bless you, we. And parents, if no one told you yet, let us be the first. You're doing a remarkable job. And remember, you are the hero of your story. Because every legacy begins with a hero. And that hero is you. This podcast is for inspirational and educational purposes only.

[00:22:42] And it is not intended to replace professional advice, legal advice, diagnosis, or treatment. The views expressed are based on personal experience and faith-based insight and are meant to encourage reflection and growth. Always seek the guidance of qualified professionals regarding any questions or concerns you may have about your health, relationships, or business. And that's what I'm doing. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.