You Are Not Arguing About What You Think! The Hidden Disconnection That Breaks Marriages.

[00:00:00] There are moments in marriage where it's not really about conflict. It's about difference. Two people, two perspectives, both seeing something clearly and neither one feeling fully understood. And often it doesn't begin in a dramatic way. Sometimes it begins with something subtle. A passing comment.

[00:00:29] A shift in tone. We know that, don't we? A moment that on the surface seems insignificant but carries more weight than either person expected. And within seconds, something changes. The tone shifts, the energy tightens, and the conversation quietly moves from connection into distance.

[00:00:59] Because when two people don't see eye to eye, what matters most in that moment is not who's right. It's whether connection is preserved while you find your way through it together. This one's so good. You can't miss this one. Get comfortable. Lay back. Sit down. Do what you gotta do. And let's get into this.

[00:02:10] Ooh, that's better, right babe?

[00:02:12] Hello, my friend. Hello, my friend. And welcome back to Becoming Unshakeable. The Legacy Conversations bonus series, a special edition brought to you by the Entrepreneur Parents Podcast. A community of strong families building unshakable legacies. I'm your host, Ildiko Ferenczi. And today we're stepping into something.

[00:02:41] Every marriage experiences. Every marriage experiences. Everyone that I know. But not everyone has been shown how to navigate it well. Not everyone. What happens when you and your spouse don't see eye to eye? Think about it for a minute.

[00:03:03] And before we go deeper. I just want to take a moment to say thank you for being here. I'm so grateful for you. Thank you for leaning into these conversations, for choosing to grow in areas that may not have been modeled for you.

[00:03:25] They may not have been. They may not have been. Right? I get a lot of messages. And listen, I read. It takes me a while. But I read them all. And when I hear that you guys are putting in the work and these aren't the things that you learned as children, it just puts a smile on my face. We're all doing this together. Right?

[00:03:52] So just because it wasn't modeled for you. You're building them anyway. Right? You're growing in these areas that are challenging, that you have looked at from the outside. Right? Sometimes you've got to get outside of yourself to see.

[00:04:13] I know. I know. Even myself. Over the years, I'm always evolving. Thank God for that. And this type of work of stepping back and taking accountability and doing the work, it matters more than you realize. Right? Not only for yourself, for your children, for your spouse, for your marriage. Right?

[00:04:40] Now, before we step into this, I'd like to briefly revisit something from our last conversation. Right? Our parenting conversation. Right? With our children. Because it connects directly to what we're talking about today.

[00:05:04] We spoke about emotional expression and how natural it is to feel deeply, to become overwhelmed, to react, to express emotion in a way that feels immediate and intense. And sometimes, right? And sometimes there's those other moments where we shut down.

[00:05:32] And that's not something we want to shut down. But what matters just as much as that conversation that we had is what comes after that. Emotional leadership. Because emotional expression is the feeling itself. But emotional leadership is how we handle that feeling. And this doesn't just apply to children.

[00:06:02] It applies to us. Because if we were never guided in that, it doesn't disappear. That's why last week's conversation was important. Right? Because we're talking about the tools and the things that we could do to navigate and guide our children. Because everybody has different emotions come up. And that's why we're here. We're here too.

[00:06:31] My gosh, I heard it so beautifully the other day. Right? Our children are like arrows that we launch out into the world. So we have to prepare them. We have to prepare them emotionally in every single way. Right? That's biblically our job as parents.

[00:06:56] So back to, let's reel it back in to what we were talking about. If we weren't guided, if we weren't guided, these things, they don't disappear. These habits, these things that we lean into emotionally, good habits or bad habits, it shows up later in how we communicate and how we respond under pressure.

[00:07:24] And especially in moments where we don't agree with our spouse or anyone else for that matter. Let's begin here. Disagreement is not the problem. Disconnection is. Think about it. Strong marriages don't avoid differences. They learn how to move through them without losing each other in the process.

[00:07:52] It can look like this. You're in the middle of a normal day talking through something that needs to be decided. Maybe it's about the kids, a schedule, a financial choice. That's always a good start for a hot conversation. Right? Or simply how something should be handled. Right? I feel like you need to, you need to, or you should have handled it this way.

[00:08:23] One of you shares your perspective, not harshly, not yelling, just clearly. Right? In your, the way that you feel passionate about it. Right? And the other one responds, your spouse responds in a way that feels slightly off. Maybe it's the tone.

[00:08:51] Maybe it's the wording. I know it triggers me. For me, the tone, my husband's tone is higher. Or if he starts to cuss. I cannot handle it. That'll, that'll, that'll trigger. That'll make me feel very sad. Very sad.

[00:09:13] So, and I'm sure, well, he likes, not, I wouldn't say he likes to say that, say if I, say if I have something that I don't like. For example, I'm trying to think of something. I'm just trying to think of something that we fight about. We talk about these things in the community all the time. But I don't like it when he doesn't check in. Okay?

[00:09:41] The reason being, and this is my reason. Maybe you guys don't agree with me. Maybe nobody agrees with me. But I have to keep reheating dinner. Right? I love us to have dinner together as a family. I may talk about that when he gets home really late. And he'll feel, and he's entitled to feel, but he'll feel like I'm attacking him. But I'm just fighting to be heard.

[00:10:11] To be, it's like, am I not right? Am I in the wrong? You know? And then it just, it kind of goes from there. These are such little things that can be worked out. Right? It doesn't have to turn into something. But again, so maybe it's the tone. Maybe it's the wording.

[00:10:38] Maybe it's the feeling behind it. And within seconds, something shifts. Right? Something shifts. The atmosphere tightens. The tone changes. Defensiveness could begin to rise. Not loudly. Not loudly at first. But enough to be felt.

[00:11:05] And just like that, the conversation is no longer about the decision. Or about the thing that wasn't so big. It could have been handled. It could have been handled in a different way. It becomes about feeling unheard. Listen to this. Listen.

[00:11:33] It becomes about feeling unheard. Feeling dismissed. Feeling misunderstood. And that moment, that subtle shift, is where most couples begin to lose connection.

[00:11:55] And when those moments go unaddressed, unrepaired, over time, this doesn't happen overnight, but over time, affection begins to fade. Emotional safety weakens. Right? Because don't my feelings matter? Don't my feelings matter?

[00:12:24] Does my safety not matter? These are all questions that play in our wives' heads, in our spouses' heads. And then intimacy can slowly erode. And it's not all at once. It's gradual. Through moments that were never meant to create distance, yet quietly did. That's a problem.

[00:12:54] And sometimes it leads to an enormous problem. When disagreement triggers emotion, the nervous system moves into protection. And when that happens, we tend to defend, withdraw, or escalate. The intention is not to create distance,

[00:13:21] but something in that moment doesn't feel fully settled internally. It could feel unclear. The moment can be misinterpreted or emotionally charged in a way the brain reads as, something here isn't safe yet. And when that happens, the body responds before the mind has time to slow it down. And this is where something begins to click for many people,

[00:13:52] many of our couples. Because if you pause for a moment, you may start to recognize something familiar in this. The same tension, right? Sometimes it's the same reactions or the same internal pull to protect yourself. And that's not without reason. Because many of the moments we face in marriage

[00:14:20] quietly mirror the moments we experienced earlier in life, the environments we adapted to, the ways we learned to respond when something didn't feel safe or didn't feel understood. And now here you are in a relationship that matters deeply to you, facing those same internal patterns again,

[00:14:50] not as a child this time, but as a partner, as a spouse. And this isn't why emotional safety, oh gosh, it can't be just shrugged off. It's the eureka moment. It's why emotional safety matters so much. Oh gosh, right?

[00:15:20] So not just for children, but for marriage. That important relationship that you needed to be prepared for, that you needed the tools for. That's why we needed to be shepherded, shepherded, shepherded, shepherded, poured into, nourished. That's what we were talking about

[00:15:49] in our last episode. Because the same sense of safety a child needs to settle is the same sense of safety that allows a relationship to stay connected through tension. And that's why our last conversation was so important. because the way we learn to move through emotion

[00:16:19] follows us into the relationships we build. All of them. You can't escape it, darlings. You can't. And this is also where the way we understand leadership inside a relationship becomes incredibly important. And I want to speak to something here because this came up in our community as well.

[00:16:48] The idea that if I'm the head of the household, then I'm automatically right. And my spouse should just follow. Husband's voice. Right? And I want to approach this with both truth. And I want to say it carefully. I want to be careful here. Because leadership in a marriage,

[00:17:16] it was never meant to look like control. It was never meant to silence the other person's voice. Look at it from a biblical perspective. Yes. Yes, there is the head. Right? Of course. Biblically, that is correct.

[00:17:46] But leadership is not about being right all the time, no matter what. Just because you are the head. Okay? And we all, as women, we want a leader. We don't want that responsibility. Do we? No. No. No, thank you. Right? But it's not about, it's not about being automatically right. Whatever you feel. Whatever your flesh feels.

[00:18:17] It's about being responsible. responsible. That's a big responsibility. Right? Responsible for the tone, for the direction, and for the protection, the connection within the relationship. And in a healthy relationship, relationship, there is a weighing that takes place.

[00:18:47] A slowing down. A willingness to truly consider what your spouse is saying. To step back, let go of the ego. Many of us have ego. I feel like a lot of, a lot of us, both sides, have ego. But as a leader, right? You show

[00:19:16] that you let it go. You're going to step back. I'm going to truly consider what my spouse is saying. I'm not going to take it as an attack. I'm going to look at it with a different, I'm going to take off these glasses that I have on, I'm going to put some new ones on, or just take them off, and look at it with fresh eyes. Look at what's happening. Look at what's being said. Listen to what's being said. Look at it.

[00:19:46] Listen to what's being said. Consider what your spouse is saying. Value it. Right? And to discern it. Not rushing past it. I know some conversations, they feel uncomfortable, but don't rush past it. Challenge yourselves. As leaders, discipline.

[00:20:16] Right? Discipline. I know we have it in us. Not overriding it, but allowing it to carry the weight that it deserves. because real leadership doesn't dismiss. It doesn't. Right? It discerns. It discerns. Excuse me. I got a little bit of that

[00:20:45] Hawaiian gift. We all got, we all got a little, a little cold. We all got a little cold. But we are strong, and we are healthy. And we have such amazing, resilient bodies that have the ability to heal. Right? Think of it that way. If anything is negative in your life or you're fighting a little something, just, it's all in the way you think about it. Every day, you're getting better and better.

[00:21:15] Right? God gave us that strength to heal. So, it discerns. That was the thought. And often, when we hear the phase, head of the household or head of the house, that part is emphasized. But what sometimes, what can sometimes be overlooked

[00:21:43] is what that leadership is actually modeled after. Okay? Because it's, it's in scripture. Leadership is not modeled after control. It's modeled after Christ. And the way Christ led, how did he lead?

[00:22:14] Right? You may ask yourself, well, he led through service, through humility. Gosh, I always get goosebumps. And through sacrifice, the ultimate sacrifice. That's how much he loves us. And it's hard to think when I, I tell my children, he loves us so much. The way you love mommy,

[00:22:45] he loves you more. The way mommy loves you, and it's hard to imagine, but he loves you even more. That's why he did, he gave us the ultimate sacrifice. Christ laid himself down for the good of others. That is leadership. So when we talk about leadership in the home,

[00:23:16] we're not talking about dominance. or having the final word in every situation, in every situation, or being louder, stronger. Yes. We know that. We know you guys could destroy us if you wanted to. Right? Or you could choose to protect and put safety.

[00:23:45] We're talking about a responsibility to serve a relationship well. Right? To protect it, to nurture it, to lead it in a way that strengthens connection, not silences it. Mm-mm. Because if one person feels overruled,

[00:24:13] even if the decision moves forward because I said so. Because it's going to happen this way. Okay? Because I'm the head of the house and this is the way it's going to happen. Right? So the decision moves forward, but guess what doesn't go forward? Guess what doesn't move with that? The connection

[00:24:42] often does not. And over time, that creates distance. It creates distance and it erodes the things that we talked about, intimacy and the connection. Definitely doesn't build unity. So, instead of asking, how do we agree? I guess maybe the better question becomes, how do we stay connected?

[00:25:12] Not I guess, but this is the way to look at it. How do we stay connected while we disagree? Scripture reminds us in the book of James chapter 1 verse 19 through 20, everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Because human anger does not produce the righteousness

[00:25:41] that God desires. And what's so, I mean, what sticks out here, what's so powerful is that it calls us into something higher than reaction. So, what does it call us into? It calls us into patience. It calls us into awareness, intentional response.

[00:26:12] Here's the shift. You don't strengthen a marriage by avoiding disagreement. Because that's going to break it down. That's going to break it down too. You strengthen it by learning how to move through it with emotional leadership. Talked about that last week. Right? About, yes, there's the emotions, and gradually

[00:26:41] we need to graduate into emotional leadership, into understanding how to hone our emotions. Right? And this means staying present instead of being reactive. Listening instead of preparing your response. So just really listening to the conversation. Softening instead of

[00:27:11] escalating. Returning to connection even when it feels difficult. Don't run out. Don't leave for a few days or a few hours or whatever you potentially may want to do. Have the thought of repair. Try

[00:27:41] things differently. And it can sound like, help me understand how you're seeing this. Or it could even be, we don't have to solve this right now. Right? But you're listening. You need to listen. You need to be connected. And this goes both ways, friends. This goes both ways.

[00:28:13] Let's slow this down. Right? We're on the same team. We're on the same page. Just dialogue that lets your spouse know that you are in this together. Right? Just simple things. Simple things. You know your spouse the best. You know how to, well, you know the pains. You know the triggers. leaders so you know how to come at

[00:28:42] them in a different way. And as leaders, we do the first, we take the first step. We're being grounded. We're being intentional. When one person shifts, the dynamic shifts. Because connection begins to replace tension. And over time,

[00:29:13] this is going to build beautiful things like trust and safety. Right? Emotional stability. All the beautiful things that build connection. Intimacy. Affection. All the beautiful things that is great about a marriage. That's great about a holy covenant. And I'm

[00:29:43] not saying you're never even if you have all the tools and stuff. I'm not saying things aren't going to come up because they sure will. Right? But if you know how to move through them, it's going to be okay. Right? You're going to not have the conversation. It's never going to have to escalate. It doesn't have to. It doesn't have to. Your spouse is not your opponent. They are your partner. Even when you don't

[00:30:12] agree. even when you don't agree. So grab your journals and your pens or pencils and let's just do a couple questions. Reflections. Let's take a moment and don't judge anything. Just write it down. How do I typically respond when I feel misunderstood?

[00:30:47] Do I prioritize being right or staying connected? What would emotional leadership look like in my next disagreement? Three simple questions to ask yourself. If you have anything else that pops into mind, write it down.

[00:31:17] Always feel free to write more down because this can I feel like when I start writing these when I start answering these questions I start to write and it just flows. So don't judge it. Whatever comes up you may have some aha moments or even some memories from when you were a child or perhaps growing up as a

[00:31:46] teenager or whatever. Whatever comes, please don't judge it. Just write it down and have a conversation with your spouse later. Or if any thoughts come that you may want to have conversations with your children about, by all means, write it down. These are always great to have conversations about. I love to think about

[00:32:16] things that could just open up the door to conversations with my children, with my spouse. So just never judge it, write it all down. And on that note, let's slide into our prayer session with my prayer partners. You guys ready? Before,

[00:32:46] I just want to say I'm really, I did not, I didn't feel like doing an episode today because I felt a little lousy, but I do admit I'm feeling so much better, but I did procrastinate. But now that I'm here, I am so, so, so, so grateful. So on that feeling of gratefulness, let's move into prayer. Heavenly Father, help us become more

[00:33:15] aware in moments of tension. Give us the patience to listen, the humility to soften, and the wisdom to respond with care. Strengthen our relationships, and help us build connection that reflects your design. Help us to always be more like

[00:33:45] you in our relationships with our spouses, and our children, in our everyday lives. In Jesus' name, amen. If you've had moments where you and your spouse didn't see eye to eye, that doesn't mean, that doesn't mean that something's wrong.

[00:34:15] Okay? This is very normal. It's part of being a human in a relationship. What matters is how you move through those moments together. What does it look like when you don't see eye to eye? It should almost be exciting. You get to negotiate. You get to have a deep conversation. You get to share your side. He gets to share his side.

[00:34:45] You get to see his valid points, his great points, right? And he gets to see your amazing points and why you feel the way you do. Before you reach for that coffee, consider this. What if the energy boost you're looking for isn't in your cup, but in your cells? I challenge you to swap your morning coffee for Sheila J by Symbiotica. And here's what can

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[00:35:44] Your coffee never did that. Okay, let's just be honest. Try it for a week and tell me your body doesn't thank you. Symbiotica's Sheila J is next level wellness and honestly, you may never go back to drinking coffee. Click the link below down in the bio and get your Sheila J today. Or what hurts you? You don't have to be scared of those moments of what hurts her. Take it

[00:36:14] as an invitation invitation to learn or what hurts him. Take it as an invitation, an opportunity to learn why do you react this way? Why do you feel this way? May take him back to his childhood and share some things that you never knew about. Now you understand those triggers

[00:36:43] and you can help him strengthen, right? Become stronger. You could do that for you. You could do that for your spouse. You could do that for your wife. Why does this hurt you so much? Rather than, oh gosh, turn it around. Take it as a moment to learn and don't hold it against

[00:37:13] her later. Oh my gosh, we got to do a podcast on that. We just had a great conversation. Actually, it was a while back, but it was a great conversation about, oh my goodness, about sharing things, right? That you've may have never told anyone about and that it gets used against you. Never do that. Never do that.

[00:37:43] We'll do a podcast on that down the road, but don't do that. That is so, yeah, that's just not, he'll never feel safe. She'll never feel safe. Yeah, let's not do that. But it was just such a great, it was such a great conversation. conversation. It was such a great conversation. So now, you don't build a strong marriage

[00:38:11] by always agreeing, right? I just want to leave you with a thought. You build it by staying connected when you don't, right? This is the joyful part. This is what we're just talking about. Use it as lessons. Oh, that's powerful. You don't build a strong marriage by always agreeing. You build it by

[00:38:41] staying connected when you don't. Write it down if you need to so you can remember for later. It's a good one. Friends, if this episode spoke to you in any way or touched your heart, leave a kind review and five stars. this helps more families find these conversations. And if someone comes to mind while you were listening, share this

[00:39:11] post or share this episode with them. Post. Share this episode with them because these are the conversations that quietly change homes, right? That change lives in a small way, really. I feel like once we start having conversations, friends in the community, spouses, deep, deep conversations, conversations that mean,

[00:39:39] mean something, that change things. It's a big deal. It's a big deal. Shifts, it shifts everything. And don't forget to listen as a family to the Entrepreneur Kids Legacy show with Daniel and Destiny where they're bringing leadership, faith, and encouragement to children all around the world. They're working so hard. They're using their savings to create

[00:40:09] these episodes and they're really doing so well. They were just not yet. Yes, yesterday, they were number two, number two on Apple iTunes. They're doing so good. I'm so proud of them. If you want to help produce their show, you can leave a gift and help do that at buymeacoffee.com backslash entrepreneur kids. Yes, that's what it is. So you can do that and they

[00:40:39] are so grateful whenever you guys share. The way you handle disagreement today shapes the strength of your relationship tomorrow. don't forget that my friends. Okay, there is beauty in everything. There really is. There's beauty in the disagreements. Right? There's beauty in the happy moments and

[00:41:07] the joy and and the faith that you share together as a family. But there is, it doesn't have, disagreement doesn't have to be a horrific and dreadful thing. Right? We disagree with a lot of things in our life. But if we can move through it in a way that isn't negative, it becomes a blessing. It becomes a lesson. And we can

[00:41:37] learn so much from it. God bless you. Glory to God always. We love you and we'll see you soon. Thank you beautiful friends for listening to this important message from Mama. Share with someone you love and care about. Oh, and we'd love to personally invite you to listen to our podcast. It's for young future leaders ready to change the world and

[00:42:07] be a light in the dark. Listen together as a family. It's called the optional cable job.

[00:42:37] And remember, you are the hero of your story. Because every legacy begins with a hero. And that hero is you. This podcast is for inspirational and educational purposes only, and it is not intended to replace professional advice, legal advice, diagnosis, or treatment. The views expressed are based on personal experience and faith-based

[00:43:06] insight and are meant to encourage reflection and growth. Always seek the guidance of qualified professionals regarding any questions or concerns you may have about your health, relationships, or business.