EP 157 The One Thing Women Want Most in a Man When Looking for a Longterm Relationship
In this insightful episode of the Pretty and Punk Podcast, join hosts Dan Caldwell and Ildiko Ferenczi as they delve into the nuances of maintaining a strong, loving relationship while navigating the demands of entrepreneurship and family life.
Dan and Ildiko, both successful entrepreneurs and devoted parents, engage in a candid discussion as Dan asks “What do women look for most in a Man when looking for a long term relationship.” Listen as they discuss the essential qualities that build a lasting marriage, the role of masculinity and protection in relationships. They share personal stories and hard-earned wisdom on finding the right partner, overcoming past traumas, and the importance of fighting for love.
This episode is not just about the romance between a man and a woman but also about the broader themes of trust, leadership, and the delicate balance between professional ambition and family responsibilities. Whether you’re in a relationship, seeking one, or simply interested in personal growth, Dan and Ildiko’s conversation offers valuable insights and inspiration.
Tune in to learn, laugh, and perhaps see your own relationships in a new light. Don’t forget to hit subscribe for more episodes on entrepreneurship, and building a life filled with love and purpose.
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00:00:00
Eventually it came to the part in
the relationship where it's like,
00:00:03
are you going to be all in? Because
if you're not, I'm out of here. Like,
00:00:07
I'm done, I'm done. I'm all in.
But I can't play these games.
00:00:18
No. Oh, that's better, right, babe?
00:00:23
Yeah.
00:00:25
Yeah. She founded an
architectural concrete company.
00:00:30
He.
00:00:30
He founded a hundred million
dollars clothing company.
00:00:33
She took the world by storm
as a social media star. He.
00:00:37
Took the world by storm as a
famous serial entrepreneur.
00:00:40
Together we started a business.
00:00:42
And had babies.
00:00:43
Now we're figuring out
the best ways to do both.
00:00:46
Join us as we learn from other
entrepreneurs going through the same life
00:00:50
struggles.
00:00:50
As they share their life,
hacks about success, love.
00:00:54
Kids, and everything in between.
00:00:56
When a woman treats a
man like a king and a man
00:01:01
treats a woman like a queen,
they make a heck of a team.
00:01:06
Women want a man already suck.
00:01:10
Best strong women be
00:01:15
part of a struggle. They
could build an empire.
00:01:20
Welcome to the Pretty and punk podcast.
00:01:22
My name is Dan Caldwell and I'm here
with my beautiful wife, ILdiko Ferenczi
00:01:28
Rezi.
00:01:28
Hi guys.
00:01:29
And today we just wanted, were just
going back and forth a little bit.
00:01:34
I thought I would ask IL deko
a question and see what the
00:01:39
answer was, and then we'd kind of go
from there. I thought that might be easy.
00:01:42
So I'm going to put you on the spot a
little bit. Okay. So what do you think is,
00:01:47
and I guess myself included
here because you did choose me,
00:01:52
what do you think is the one thing that
00:01:56
attracts a woman to a man in a long-term
relationship? What is that thing?
00:02:01
Because there's some things that
might initially attract you,
00:02:03
like looks and humor and other things that
00:02:08
initially work and might cause
you to date for a few times,
00:02:12
but at some point women, usually early on,
00:02:16
women start to look at, well,
00:02:19
could I marry this guy?
00:02:22
What's that one thing that you
are looking at or looking for?
00:02:26
What do women, what are they looking
for in a longer term relationship?
00:02:31
Well, I'll have to speak from personal
experience because I can't speak for
00:02:35
everyone,
00:02:36
but looks isn't on the top of my priority,
00:02:41
but this is.
00:02:42
Looks aren't. Well. So
what's that saying about me?
00:02:46
I didn't make the cut.
00:02:48
There. No, you're good looking.
And that's a bonus, but
00:02:55
that's not a priority because looks fade.
00:02:57
I've always known this to be true.
00:03:00
That's not the connection
that you're looking for.
00:03:03
We're all going to change over the years,
00:03:06
but what's most important to me. But.
00:03:09
Before we jump into that, hey guys,
00:03:12
we hope you're enjoying today's
episode of the Pretty Punk Podcast.
00:03:15
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hit that liked and subscribe button,
00:03:19
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00:03:20
It means so much to us because it really
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00:03:24
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00:03:27
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them. We really appreciate that too.
00:03:31
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your reviews, even the babies,
00:03:35
look forward to them every day.
00:03:37
If you share this episode
on social media today,
00:03:40
don't forget to tag us.
00:03:42
We want to celebrate you because we
know it's not easy being a parent in
00:03:46
business and the way that
you juggle things makes you
a superhero that's worth a
00:03:50
shout out. Together, we have a community
of our personal followers as well,
00:03:55
and we just want to put it out there.
00:03:57
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00:04:01
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so proud and grateful to
00:04:06
have you a part of this family.
00:04:09
So don't forget all the
links are below in the show
00:04:13
notes. And thank you again.
And let's get back to the show.
00:04:17
What is that one trait
that women are looking for
00:04:22
in a long-term relationship with a man?
00:04:25
For myself, from my personal experience,
00:04:29
I think it's highly attractive
when a man can create secure spaces
00:04:34
around women. So for me to feel safe,
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to feel protected,
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to feel like I can trust them,
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that I could just close my eyes
and trust that he could lead
00:04:51
me in the right direction,
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which is a faith-filled masculine.
00:04:59
God first.
00:05:00
God, first knowing that he
has my back in every way.
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So not just leading me and
learning through faith,
00:05:09
through business,
00:05:11
but also knowing that this
man is going to protect my
00:05:15
heart, my soul, from
enemies, from bullies,
00:05:19
but also protect my children.
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And I feel like sometimes as women,
00:05:27
we will test our men in the
infant stages of a relationship
00:05:32
to see how they handle,
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because men are created to become
00:05:39
monsters when they need to be.
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But we don't want them
to be monsters with us.
00:05:44
Not at home.
00:05:46
Not at home. Exactly.
00:05:48
But you have to have that power within
you to protect the family if you
00:05:52
ever need to. This is
like primal instincts.
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And I feel that women,
00:05:59
they test their men
before they have children
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because women instinctually,
00:06:07
we know that children
can be very triggering.
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And if you have that masculine man,
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is he able to delegate?
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Is he able to handle his masculinity.
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Control that anger.
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Control it? Is it going to come
out against me or my babies?
00:06:26
Yeah, because you could
be a great leader and be
00:06:31
someone who is throwing
their weight around
00:06:36
at people thinking, we've
talked about this before,
00:06:39
that how you lead your
business is not necessarily,
00:06:43
and I think they should be more
probably than most parallel,
00:06:46
think that they should be
a little more the same,
00:06:49
but towards how you lead your family. Not,
00:06:53
I've never found myself as
somebody, a dictator at the office.
00:06:59
I want people to follow
me because I am listening.
00:07:04
I believe in them. And for the
same reason. I think at home,
00:07:08
if you're trying to take those,
00:07:10
that manner of leadership home
and you're yelling at your spouse,
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yelling at your kids,
that's not how you lead.
00:07:17
People. And sometimes there's this,
00:07:19
and I've always been attracted
to a fatherly type male
00:07:24
figure. My brother that passed away,
I know he was going to be an amazing,
00:07:29
incredible husband and
father because he was
00:07:34
such a wonderful father figure to
me. He never, you know how kids,
00:07:39
sometimes they fight or they'll
hit, he never raised his hand on me.
00:07:43
He never raised his voice. And he did
everything with love and kindness.
00:07:48
And I feel that's what
I've always been looking
00:07:53
for. And I know with your
history of being a police
00:07:59
offer for police officer and
just in that military world,
00:08:04
you had this scariness about you.
00:08:06
And sometimes I feel like we had to
work on it together to have you control.
00:08:11
That. Yeah, I was probably, at the time,
00:08:16
I probably, when we first met,
I wasn't in the best place.
00:08:20
And I think it showed up in our
relationship and we got a little volatile
00:08:25
here.
00:08:25
And there before the kids.
00:08:28
But you had a lot of stress.
00:08:31
Plus you had trauma from other
relationships. I had my own trauma,
00:08:35
but I was really looking
for that father figure type.
00:08:39
I know this sounds weird, but like a
protector. I call it a father figure,
00:08:44
but I think as women,
00:08:46
we do want that protector
because my mother had to be both
00:08:51
the male, the masculine, and
the feminine. And it's so sad.
00:08:55
She was so tiny,
00:08:57
and I saw movies of her when she was
00:09:02
married and she had the good
marriage and she was this tiny,
00:09:05
petite little sweet. I
saw her in her feminine.
00:09:10
I just never,
00:09:13
because the way that she raised me,
00:09:16
I felt that I was in my masculine
and I wanted to prove to her,
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I can do this too. I can do this too.
00:09:23
And I hustled so hard and I worked
so hard just to prove that I
00:09:28
can be that woman. And as women,
00:09:30
we can all be that strong
and powerful woman when you
00:09:35
need to be, don't let yourself be fooled.
00:09:40
My mom had to be that woman because
she couldn't find the perfect
00:09:44
spouse after that to fill the roles,
00:09:47
the shoes of the father that she
wanted for us. And sometimes, sadly,
00:09:52
that's how life goes. Sometimes
you can't find a perfect mate.
00:09:55
You're not going to just
settle. She didn't want to.
00:09:57
Settle. Well, the hard thing is, is
that women are actually good at it.
00:10:00
They are.
00:10:00
Good at it, but they shouldn't.
They can fall into this masculinity
00:10:06
very easily if they have to be.
00:10:10
Tu reasons one, especially if they.
00:10:12
Have children, if they don't have
husband and they have children, they.
00:10:14
Will turn into their.
00:10:15
Protective.
00:10:15
Mama, bear a lion. Yeah, a
bear. They will do anything.
00:10:19
And she would work from
morning till night and
00:10:24
she created success.
00:10:26
And I kind of believed that
that is what I needed to do as a
00:10:30
woman too. And then we had so many
great talks after, but she said,
00:10:35
if I didn't have to,
00:10:36
I don't want you to have to ever
do that because it's very hard.
00:10:41
I saw the stress on her
physical being she got sick
00:10:47
and had to do it anyway,
00:10:49
and I feel like a big part
of my getting sick was over
00:10:54
hustling. So I think it's very important
for women out there that are listening
00:10:59
that aren't married yet
or are married and they're
00:11:04
struggling with that power position.
00:11:10
Don't let the trends fool you
00:11:14
fall into your femininity.
00:11:16
That's so powerful to be in
your femininity and let the man
00:11:22
do his part and take over.
00:11:24
Well, you said part of that
is you said protection.
00:11:28
What does that look like to you? If
you're just talking about protection,
00:11:32
what do you think protection is?
Because I know there's protection.
00:11:36
Not every man is going
to be able to, I mean,
00:11:41
you don't want to show up by
fighting everybody around you.
00:11:44
Or it's not that type of protection's,
not what I mean. But of course,
00:11:48
if someone's disrespecting
family member, friend,
00:11:52
anyone out there,
00:11:54
you want to acknowledge
her feelings and let her
00:11:58
know that, babe, you're my number one.
00:12:01
There may be women trying
to flirt with your man.
00:12:05
There may be women trying
to degrade you in front
00:12:09
of people and your husband just steps in.
00:12:12
And it doesn't have to be
vulgar or mean or abrasive,
00:12:17
but there's things that you can say
that make your wife feel acknowledged,
00:12:21
protected, and let everybody know around
her like, listen, this is my wife,
00:12:26
this is my spouse, she's my number
one. Don't mess with just in the,
00:12:31
don't mess with her. Don't mess with her.
00:12:33
Just a little inkling of
do not cross that line.
00:12:37
This is my wife. And also, if a woman has,
00:12:42
a wife has something bothering her,
and it could be something so simple,
00:12:46
we have things that are on
our plate to have the man
00:12:51
acknowledge her and
this makes her feelings,
00:12:56
her life feel protected.
00:12:59
It could just be little things around
the house, just talking to her,
00:13:04
getting that connection with her,
00:13:07
and it lets her know that he is
willing to do something about it,
00:13:11
not just shovel it under the carpet
because sometimes the talks are long,
00:13:16
sometimes they're complicated.
00:13:18
But just that feeling of
knowing that together,
00:13:22
we're going to do this work
00:13:25
And we're in this together as a team
that gives her comfort. Don't avoid it.
00:13:30
Just let's face this together.
And for you too, I mean,
00:13:35
a good wife will also give
her husband that security.
00:13:40
Right? Yeah. I think there's two, it's,
00:13:44
there's a lot of words that could explain.
It's protection, it's masculinity.
00:13:50
And like we said, it doesn't
necessarily mean masculinity.
00:13:53
You got to go fight everybody.
It's not that type of masculinity,
00:13:57
it's protection.
00:14:00
It's just this giving her, well,
00:14:06
when I think about masculinity,
I think about leadership also.
00:14:10
So leadership would be kind of another
version of that. Absolutely. Yeah.
00:14:14
Because when you're in that
leadership role, it's not like,
00:14:19
I think it gets confused when
people talk about leadership, right?
00:14:22
Sometimes it feels dictative.
00:14:24
Yeah. I'm not trying to tell you what
to do. I never tell you what to do.
00:14:29
No, but we can definitely.
00:14:33
Do think I ever tell you what to do. I
don't. Do you ever come off like that?
00:14:36
No. No. I've never had that with you.
00:14:40
But I know that you pour
into me in a way where I know
00:14:44
that you're encouraging
me to put my right foot
00:14:49
forward and to challenge me in a way where
00:14:55
I am doing things that are out of my
comfort zone. I love to do that anyway.
00:15:00
I love to challenge myself.
I love to learn new things,
00:15:02
but I feel like you're
walking that path with me.
00:15:06
And I feel like sometimes it's
negative for when you're helping
00:15:10
to shape your husband, and I
don't know how to say that,
00:15:15
but when you're helping to,
00:15:18
you see in your instinct, in your gut,
00:15:23
what can help your husband,
00:15:26
whatever encouragement he needs
or whatever love he needs,
00:15:30
that helps to shape your husband.
00:15:32
And I like to think of that
Wives should always be making
00:15:37
our husbands better and vice
versa. I like to think of it,
00:15:42
you're the head and I have
no problem with you leading.
00:15:45
And I like to think of myself
as a crown, just like in Bible.
00:15:49
Right? Yeah. And I think we sometimes,
I mean, not to say that our roles,
00:15:52
I can feel myself, what was I
just thinking yesterday? Or if.
00:15:57
Either one of us are slipping somewhere,
00:15:59
I feel like we have a nice soft way of
00:16:04
encouraging each other to get
back on track to be our best
00:16:08
self.
00:16:09
I don't know if it's always soft.
00:16:12
You've yelled at me a few times
where I'm like, okay, what?
00:16:16
It's like get up and start
getting, it's like, oh.
00:16:19
Yes. Because maybe when I'm over,
what is it called? Overstimulated?
00:16:24
No, no.
00:16:24
I think it's you falling into a position
that you shouldn't have to be in.
00:16:28
It's like when I get into
this reactive position,
00:16:31
sometimes I might be tired or
when things are wearing on me,
00:16:36
and so I, the kids will be doing
something and I'm kind of like, ah,
00:16:41
I'm just going to be quiet and hide.
00:16:43
For a second. So when you have to repeat
yourself several times and it's like,
00:16:47
well, how do I even Dan.
00:16:50
Yeah. Take care of this and I know, or.
00:16:53
Whatever. I don't think
that that's the word.
00:16:55
Knew I should have stood up and
took care of it already. You.
00:16:58
Can just, I think it's Dan, can you just,
00:17:01
I think it's that sad. I don't think.
00:17:05
I can do anymore. Can you just handle
this? I can't do this right now.
00:17:08
Yeah, when you're overstimulated, yeah.
00:17:10
You're saying, I don't want to be the
man of the house, the leader right now.
00:17:15
I don't need to be doing this. Can
you handle this already? You help.
00:17:18
And it's a wake call for me, I
think. Help me get them in bed. Yeah.
00:17:22
It's a wake up call for me.
00:17:23
And I realize when I'm being
reactive instead of proactive,
00:17:28
nothing gets done. I know
00:17:33
the kids, because you're
so nurturing with the kids,
00:17:37
they're more aptt to listen. I
don't have to tell 'em three times,
00:17:41
and so I should be doing that.
00:17:45
But sometimes I find myself in
my feminine trying to hide in the
00:17:50
bed. I'm just going to hide back here.
00:17:54
Well, at this point, I'm tired.
Our kids are master negotiators,
00:17:59
and my daughter will start
saying, oh, she's the best.
00:18:02
Just one glass of water and
then this. Got it, got it.
00:18:07
No, it's like she's literally telling.
00:18:09
You, and I'm.
00:18:09
Trying not to. You're
like, no water tonight.
00:18:12
Because they'll do anything
first. It's going to be okay.
00:18:16
They'll want to play a game. So we
play a game. That's fair enough.
00:18:19
Then they want a story. Then they'll
try to get a movie out of us.
00:18:24
Then this is the cycle that we're going
through right now. Then it's water.
00:18:29
And then they'll be like, if we
have one more glass of water.
00:18:32
Then we can stay up later. Well, no,
I love, she comes up and she goes,
00:18:35
she goes, no water.
00:18:37
So how about just instead
of two glasses of water,
00:18:41
I just have one glass of water.
And then what did she say? Got it.
00:18:45
Got it. That's what she
got it. And I'm like,
00:18:50
who taught it.
00:18:51
In deal? She says, deal, deal, deal.
00:18:57
And then one thing that was very
important with my mom being a child
00:19:02
of war, and we would never waste food.
00:19:06
And if I was ever
hungry, she would always,
00:19:10
always feed me. It didn't matter what
time of night. So that sticks with me.
00:19:15
When the kids say they're hungry,
they know that it'll start cooking.
00:19:19
It doesn't matter what time it is.
00:19:21
So now they've gone from
the water to they're hungry.
00:19:25
They're hungry. And they say it so well,
00:19:29
I have Dan's like, well, what happened?
Weren't we supposed to get them in bed?
00:19:33
If they're hungry, I can't send
them to bed hungry. Are you kidding.
00:19:36
Me? Yeah. But now it's 11, 12 o'clock
at night. And I'm like, oh my gosh.
00:19:40
Are you serious?
00:19:41
Well, not always that late, but
sometimes. Sometimes. And I feel like,
00:19:45
how did we let this.
00:19:47
Happen? I know it's
frustrating. Anyway, so tell me,
00:19:52
what are the things that a guy can do?
I'm asking the question. I'm a guy.
00:19:56
I am trying to ask what specifically,
00:19:59
because I realize in my own self when
I'm not doing what I should be doing.
00:20:02
But what do you think are the
things that a guy can do to step up
00:20:07
and be that masculine man,
that leader in his household?
00:20:12
Well, I think just simply taking over.
00:20:14
When you see me struggling,
and you do this a lot,
00:20:19
and sometimes you don't, but
for me, this means a lot.
00:20:22
When you see me struggling,
00:20:24
I don't really want to talk
about or say that I am.
00:20:28
I just wish you could just read my mind.
00:20:30
And I think this is
something that every woman
00:20:36
does from time to time is well,
he should have known that.
00:20:39
He should have been able to tell.
Can't he just see that I'm tired?
00:20:45
I need to communicate that better or
in a way or have some kind of code
00:20:50
where I think my word lately is like,
00:20:55
I'm done. I'm done. I'm so
exhausted. I'm so tired. I'm done.
00:20:59
Yeah. So men really, are you saying
that men should need to step up?
00:21:03
Men need to step.
00:21:04
Up. I wish that if you
guys can't read our minds,
00:21:08
then we just have to have this
code where it's like, I'm laying,
00:21:13
here's my white flag. I'm emotionally,
physically, I'm just tired.
00:21:18
I can't go on. Can you go on for me?
00:21:22
Can you do this for me?
00:21:25
And that's true. Guys
need to figure that out.
00:21:28
But what about when they're first dating?
00:21:30
How do you know that
you don't have kids yet?
00:21:33
Let's go back to a girl's looking
for the right type of guy,
00:21:38
and how do they know that this
guy's going to be that type of
00:21:43
guy?
00:21:43
Well, I think for me, as I said,
00:21:46
to feel protected and to feel safe,
00:21:50
I would always take a
note when people took
00:21:55
note of the things that
were important to me.
00:21:57
And I always did this
instinctually. I'd ask questions.
00:22:02
I would want them to ask
questions. I mean, you did,
00:22:06
but one of my love languages is gifts.
00:22:12
So I would listen to you and I'd always
surprise you with some kind of gift,
00:22:16
but at that time, I didn't get it.
00:22:20
So I was doing my love language for you.
00:22:23
So I'd always bring you some kind of gift.
00:22:25
And that's not your lu
language necessarily.
00:22:28
So then when I didn't get a gift
back, I was like, he doesn't really.
00:22:33
Care about, I was the worst. I
was the worst. You were the worst.
00:22:37
I'd get him expensive gifts.
00:22:40
And it wasn't because I
was trying to show off.
00:22:43
I just wanted him to know
that he was cared for.
00:22:47
And some things I did very wrong.
00:22:50
I know when I was in my powerhouse woman
00:22:54
era, I would always get the check,
00:22:57
even when I would go out for
dinner with a director or
00:23:02
producer when I was in my film.
00:23:05
And that wasn't for dating or anything,
00:23:08
but I would always get the check
and we'd go to one of the most
00:23:12
expensive restaurants, and I
always did that with you too.
00:23:16
I would get the checks, and now
I'm like, if I could just go back,
00:23:21
I wouldn't have done that.
00:23:22
But I'd always remember if
someone had a conversation
00:23:27
with me after,
00:23:28
and they repeated the things
that were important to me,
00:23:32
they remembered that I loved
Champion Roses, the color pink,
00:23:37
these things I would take
a private inventory of,
00:23:42
and I would feel that they care that
00:23:47
my feelings are safe with them.
00:23:50
And I think,
00:23:52
I guess I liked experiences like taking
you to Super Bowl as our first date
00:23:57
and the time we jumped on a
helicopter. Surprised you,
00:24:01
jumped on a helicopter and
flew to Catalina. I mean,
00:24:05
I was trying to do things.
00:24:07
I guess I didn't see the gifts as much.
00:24:11
And I'm not really into, the
funny thing is now, once I,
00:24:17
I was dealing with my
health issues, I actually,
00:24:22
my love language changed drastically.
00:24:25
It's more about memories and
photo shoots are important to
00:24:29
me. It's really important to me.
00:24:32
If you could just catch
me candidly with my kids,
00:24:37
without me even knowing,
that's huge for me.
00:24:40
I think for every mom.
00:24:43
But when I ran into that struggle
00:24:48
when I was fighting for my
life, I actually got so mad.
00:24:51
I just gave hams away Gucci shoes, Luta.
00:24:55
I just wanted it out because
I was like, this stuff.
00:24:59
I think coming from an immigrant
family and working so hard,
00:25:04
you want to show that you're successful.
00:25:06
And I believed one of the ways to show
that I was successful was having the
00:25:11
dream car, having the dream home,
00:25:14
having the purses, the shoes,
00:25:17
the clothes.
It all changed.
00:25:22
I'm successful. I don't have
to wear Chanel everything.
00:25:26
I don't have to have 10 combs. I
literally just gave that stuff away.
00:25:30
I was so mad that I hustled
so hard that I worked so
00:25:35
hard. And I think you only run into this,
00:25:39
or you only run into this when
someone tells you, listen,
00:25:44
you only have this and this many
days left. And then you get mad,
00:25:49
and then you start to figure
out, how did I get sick?
00:25:53
How did I run into this problem?
00:25:56
And then first it's disbelief
and then sadness and then
00:26:00
anger and all the grief steps. So
I was going through that thing.
00:26:04
So the gifts aren't my priority anymore.
00:26:08
But experiences, memories, those types of.
00:26:13
I think you waves the thought
that counts, right? Yeah.
00:26:15
I want it to surprise you. And
I also wanted everybody to know,
00:26:19
do not expect anything from me.
00:26:24
When I was mentioning how
I had, I was in business,
00:26:29
so I had to deal with men, and I
never wanted them to feel like, oh,
00:26:34
she's going to owe me
later. It's like, here,
00:26:36
I got the $300 dinner or $500
dinner. It's on me. See you later.
00:26:41
It's about business. Don't even
think of me that way because I know.
00:26:44
Understood. Yeah.
00:26:44
You told me a couple times where
you went to the bathroom and paid a.
00:26:48
Check, paid always, always,
always. I mean, even with you,
00:26:51
I don't know how you felt about it,
but I wish I could go back. I mean,
00:26:55
that's the male.
00:26:56
A man wants to take care of a woman.
00:27:02
I had a habit of covering all, everybody.
00:27:05
Checks lots of time. We were funny.
00:27:07
And that's one thing that bothered me
00:27:12
because you were wealthy. I
felt like a lot of my friends,
00:27:18
I think you should take turns. My best
friend that I was talking about before,
00:27:22
sometimes we would cover
everyone's bills when we would
00:27:27
go out. We knew some
people couldn't afford it,
00:27:30
and we wanted to go to nice places.
00:27:32
So sometimes we would
cover everyone's bills,
00:27:34
but we would always have a two-way
street between the two of us.
00:27:38
Sometimes I'd get it, sometimes
she'd get it, sometimes I'd get it.
00:27:41
Sometimes she'd get it.
00:27:42
And I feel like that's the way it
really should be. Oh, for sure.
00:27:46
And I felt like we're
always getting the bill.
00:27:49
We got to start shaving off these friends.
00:27:52
They're just taking advantage of us.
00:27:55
And that would make me mad because I
was at a point where now we're a team,
00:27:59
but people are just
taking advantage of us.
00:28:03
And it would hurt me because I
could see people taking advantage of
00:28:07
you, but you wanted to be
nice. But then we came to the,
00:28:11
and now that we have kids, it's different.
00:28:14
The number one, I enjoyed that
you paid the check. Sometimes.
00:28:16
I think it's part of that piece
that you were willing to do that,
00:28:21
that you were thinking
about doing that for.
00:28:25
It was just something, I don't
know in the back of my head,
00:28:27
I think it created the whole package.
It was part of the whole package.
00:28:31
You wanted a sugar mama?
00:28:33
I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. Okay. Okay.
00:28:38
I'll take that. Oh, dear. No,
00:28:39
I just think that it's so much
that goes into masculinity and
00:28:44
leadership and it's you probably feeling
00:28:48
comfortable.
00:28:50
I think we had the discussion when we
were talking about doing the podcast.
00:28:55
I had, or no, that was the last
podcast a couple podcasts ago.
00:28:59
We were talking about
00:29:02
just making you feel comfortable about not
00:29:07
that I'm all in, that I'm
never going to leave you.
00:29:09
So you feel this version
of early on, you said,
00:29:14
I didn't always come off like
that. And yeah, that was scary.
00:29:18
I didn't have the right language. That
made you feel comfortable in a way that,
00:29:22
Hey, look, now I tell you, we're married.
You're never going to get rid of me.
00:29:26
You're going to have to dump my body off
the side of the freeway or something.
00:29:30
You're never going to get rid
of me. So I'm here for life.
00:29:33
I want you to know that you never
have to worry about me leaving.
00:29:36
And I think that plays.
00:29:38
Into a little bit integrity,
honesty, obviously, all that,
00:29:40
and I should have mentioned that.
But yeah, of course. That's really,
00:29:44
really important because I
think in the infant stages,
00:29:50
I know you thought that I was attractive,
00:29:53
and I did have a lot of
male friends around me,
00:29:57
and you had a lot of
female friends around me,
00:30:00
and we were probably dancing with this,
00:30:02
not being able to fully
trust each other. And.
00:30:07
We lived in different countries.
00:30:09
That was hard.
00:30:10
But I felt so betrayed when I went all
00:30:15
in and then you didn't,
00:30:18
and I feel like a lot of guys do that.
00:30:21
They're nervous because of the past
trauma from their other relationships.
00:30:25
They're like, well, what if she hurts
me the way this person did? For sure.
00:30:29
Maybe I just won't talk about
the people that I'm talking to.
00:30:33
But eventually it came to
the part in the relationship
00:30:38
where it's like, are you going to
be all in? Because if you're not,
00:30:41
I'm out of here. I'm done.
I'm done. I'm all in.
00:30:44
But I can't play these games.
00:30:46
We were definitely rocky because I didn't
want to let go of those relationships.
00:30:50
Just in case.
00:30:51
But that's past trauma. It
wasn't even doing anything.
00:30:53
I was just talking to people. And I
didn't want to let their relationship go.
00:30:57
For me because I wouldn't cross the line.
00:31:00
Just talking to me felt intimate.
00:31:03
I am not a loose person.
00:31:06
I'm not the one that you'll never find
someone that'll say, oh, I've been,
00:31:12
as you said, you called it a
unicorn. I am not the person that,
00:31:17
of course, I liked and
I dress differently now,
00:31:20
but I did dress in a certain way. And.
00:31:24
Well, I didn't even think we
crossed that line at that time.
00:31:27
We were just talking then. Well.
00:31:29
No, no, no, no. When we were friends,
00:31:31
it didn't matter because I'm
doing my personal growth. Well,
00:31:34
it did matter because you were, well
when it started getting serious,
00:31:37
and you said, I don't want you
talking to anyone else, I guess.
00:31:40
And I listened to that and I felt
like you should probably be doing the
00:31:45
same.
00:31:46
And I think it wasn't until
you had a medical emergency
00:31:51
and I was supposed to check
your phone for something,
00:31:55
I can't remember, but I saw these
texts and I was like, no. I was like,
00:31:58
I'm not going to see this guy. And
you were, again, I'm not See this guy.
00:32:03
We're serious now, and you're
talking to people. This is not cool.
00:32:07
We're done. I'm done. I'm done.
00:32:10
I have more value than this.
00:32:13
And then it came to the seriousness of.
00:32:16
I think I didn't.
00:32:17
Feel.
00:32:18
Worthy. And I felt like
at some point I was like.
00:32:20
I'm sure a lot of guys deal with this.
00:32:22
Struggle. You were this. I don't know.
Yeah. I don't know how to explain it.
00:32:25
You were just this, my.
00:32:26
Friends and I could see my friends were
00:32:30
billionaires. I'm not
talking millionaires.
00:32:34
I had friends that were billionaires,
but that's what I mean. And millionaires.
00:32:37
But that's what I mean.
00:32:38
But he may have not known
that I was brought up
00:32:43
to not cross the line,
00:32:44
which is why I had these types of male
00:32:49
friends that respected me,
00:32:52
and which is always why I would
pay my own way with everything I
00:32:57
never ever want.
00:32:59
I am doing my self work. And
00:33:04
I think that that's attractive a.
00:33:06
Certain of person well do because your're
business and stuff, and we're way,
00:33:10
way off track.
00:33:12
We are now.
00:33:13
But I think just saying that,
00:33:15
I think I saw my insecurities
of seeing you talking.
00:33:19
You were having these business
conversations with these
business owners that are
00:33:24
in your field. Yeah, construction.
And I'm going like, well,
00:33:29
I don't want to let go of these
girls that I've been talking to,
00:33:34
but.
00:33:34
I wanted you to fight for. Just show me
that you're a hundred percent in fight.
00:33:39
For me. I've always wanted someone to
fight for me. And I think that, I mean,
00:33:44
I know doing the work that has
to do with the trauma of feeling,
00:33:48
feeling with my father,
00:33:51
leaving the family, abandoned my father,
00:33:56
figure my brother dying,
00:33:59
even though it wasn't his fault or
my fault or anybody's abandoned.
00:34:04
And then a marriage
falling apart, abandoned,
00:34:08
even though it was my fault,
00:34:10
but I just wanted someone to fight for me.
00:34:14
And that's another thing. I mean,
that's a eureka moment in this.
00:34:18
I wanted to see someone fight for me
again to make me feel safe and protected,
00:34:22
and I really mattered. And we do that now.
00:34:26
I think it took me a minute to kind
of grasp that concept because I'd
00:34:31
felt like, oh, I was
just kind of out dating.
00:34:35
I'd come off this bad relationship and.
00:34:38
Then prior bad relationship.
00:34:39
I've cheated on.
00:34:40
And I was kind of just trying to
find my footing and I didn't want to
00:34:45
trust people. And I don't know, it
was just really bad on both sides.
00:34:49
It doesn't.
00:34:49
Matter. I did the work. But yeah, I think,
00:34:56
I don't know why I keep saying, I think
because I know we've done the work,
00:34:59
but being a hundred percent in.
00:35:04
All in that changed the
game for what sometimes.
00:35:07
One person will get hurt. But
if you go a hundred percent in,
00:35:12
obviously we're together
and none of us are hurt.
00:35:15
But just taking that leap of faith.
00:35:18
But you have to do the personal
inventory in the beginning.
00:35:21
You have to do your goals. You have
to have the same type of mindset.
00:35:25
You have to do all that
work in the infant stages.
00:35:30
And when you see that your partner is
00:35:35
willing to put in the
work, nobody's perfect.
00:35:39
I think. Would you say that
00:35:43
going to Tony Robbins kind of helped us?
00:35:48
I think it's kind of a
marker there, especially the
second time we went to Tony.
00:35:54
I felt like after Business Mastery,
00:35:57
we kind of started to shed all
00:36:02
those,
00:36:03
that old personas and becoming kind of
00:36:08
a new version of ourselves
00:36:13
and not just, I think maybe it was.
00:36:15
A little bit of a makeup call.
I, it has to do fully with Tony,
00:36:19
but I know that we were
able to put things on
00:36:24
paper. We were able to commit to ideas.
00:36:27
We knew that we were eventually going to
00:36:32
lead people and coach people, and
all that is coming into fruition.
00:36:37
I do believe that
00:36:41
he challenged me myself too.
00:36:46
When I was told in my prior marriage,
00:36:49
one of the big things was that
had us fall apart is that I
00:36:53
was told that I wasn't going
to be able to have children.
00:36:57
And when Tony said, pray for it,
00:37:02
I can't remember his words
exactly. It's been a while.
00:37:05
But he asked you to write
it down, to pray for,
00:37:09
to dare yourself,
00:37:11
to pray for unbelievable
dreams. And I just said,
00:37:16
you know what? The most
00:37:19
impossible dream is to have a baby.
00:37:23
And that happened. That happened.
00:37:26
So people out there struggling with
infertility, even if it's been years,
00:37:30
it was years for me, it happened.
00:37:33
Do not underestimate the power of God.
00:37:37
I helped a little bit,
just a little. I did.
00:37:42
You took part in it, of course.
00:37:44
But when doctors tell you that
something is going to be impossible
00:37:49
after tests, don't always believe them.
00:37:53
And I think that that
whole mindset and just
00:37:58
having the courage,
00:38:00
the courage to do things
that are impossible,
00:38:05
that had a lot to do
with my healing process.
00:38:07
I put my life in the hands of God.
00:38:11
But you have to believe
and you have to push
00:38:16
yourself.
00:38:16
So I feel I love that we're
always willing to do work,
00:38:21
that you are not the guy that's
like, ah, I'm good enough.
00:38:26
I'm perfect the way that I am.
00:38:28
No matter what successes we
have both reached in life,
00:38:32
we are willing to learn
from other people and
00:38:37
challenge ourselves and grow.
00:38:39
And I think that's key for raising our
kids. But I really like that about us.
00:38:44
And I've always seen that growth
mindset in you in the beginning of our
00:38:49
relationship. And I
think you saw that in me,
00:38:51
but we've always been willing to
do the work no matter how silly or
00:38:55
whatever it is. We'll try everything.
00:38:58
Yeah, I love that.
00:38:59
One of our first dates though was Tony
Robbins walking on the coals there. Yeah.
00:39:03
That was awesome. That was fun.
00:39:05
So I think that men, if you're out there,
00:39:09
just remember that great, looks good.
00:39:13
Looks are always great,
00:39:15
but not everybody is blessed
with that. Of course.
00:39:19
Myself not blessed with that.
Just I was born lucky here.
00:39:25
And we have to, if you
can work on yourself,
00:39:29
if you can work on who you are
as a man that, like you said,
00:39:36
that looks aren't always the
first thing women are looking for.
00:39:39
They're looking for
security and protection.
00:39:42
And if you can be the best at that,
00:39:46
that you will find the woman
that you're meant to find.
00:39:49
Yeah, a hundred.
00:39:50
Percent. Because they're out there
and they're looking for protection. A.
00:39:52
Hundred. It's protection,
the safety, and also having,
00:39:58
so just what happened
to Adam and Eve, right?
00:40:01
Adam was not far from Eve
when she took the apple.
00:40:06
He, in the Bible, it says that he
wasn't far, he knew what was going on,
00:40:11
but he didn't speak up. He
just kind of let it happen.
00:40:14
And it's almost like the
man that's exhausted.
00:40:19
He's just like, I don't want
to hear it. I mean, Adam,
00:40:23
maybe he was in that state
where he's just like, whatever.
00:40:26
I'll let her do what she wants to do. No,
00:40:28
we need a man to guide us
what is right, what is wrong,
00:40:32
guide us in the right direction.
We need the keeper of the garden.
00:40:36
And even if you don't have the
magazine cover looks and the
00:40:41
muscles,
00:40:42
if you have that leadership where
00:40:46
your woman knows that she
can lean into you and you're
00:40:51
going to push the family in
the direction of what's right,
00:40:55
and you do have the looks, babe,
but I'm just saying that it's not,
00:41:00
the looks are going to one day,
poof. They're going to be gone.
00:41:04
Go for the guy that can lead, that
will push you in the right direction,
00:41:08
that won't let you go down the
wrong path and take a bite of the.
00:41:12
Apple,
00:41:13
because that you can just get better
and better in that you can grow
00:41:17
in and you can learn and become
better and ultimately together have
00:41:22
a better relationship together.
A hundred percent. Well,
00:41:26
thank you guys for listening
today. I know we got off,
00:41:28
way off track a little bit
there for a while. Oh my gosh.
00:41:31
But I hope that's something,
00:41:33
if you're going through
anything in your relationship,
00:41:35
and not to say that our relationship
is perfect because it's far,
00:41:38
far from perfect.
00:41:39
And we're constantly, I think that's
why we bring in the personal stories,
00:41:42
because it's a great example that
we weren't perfect even in our most
00:41:46
successful days. We weren't perfect.
00:41:50
We always struggled with things
in our life, and we all do. We're.
00:41:53
We all, everybody, every single one of.
00:41:56
Us don't look at the Instagram
life and think that people don't.
00:41:59
Have problems. Everybody's growing,
everybody's learning, and well.
00:42:04
Hopefully they're learning
and trying and growth.
00:42:06
Having that growth mindset so that
you can always be better. I mean,
00:42:10
I think one of the most liberating
things I ever did was start to read
00:42:14
relationship books. I mean,
00:42:15
I think when there was a point there when
we were having some issues and she had
00:42:20
suggested, oh,
00:42:23
it was the Tony Robbins
again, Tony Robbins.
00:42:26
It was the Tony Robbins
relationship DVDs that he have.
00:42:30
Right? I did it and I did it,
00:42:33
and I thought that he was doing
it too. So I did all the work.
00:42:37
Oh no, you bought 'em, did you?
00:42:39
I bought them and I watched them all,
and I'm doing the work, and I'm like,
00:42:44
why isn't he doing the same stuff?
00:42:47
I said, I helped Tony write those.
00:42:50
And he got.
00:42:51
So mad about that.
00:42:52
He would just joke about it. He's
like, he'll read a business book.
00:42:56
But he wasn't reading
the relationship books.
00:42:59
I would read.
00:42:59
A book every week. I'm
working so hard, bro.
00:43:02
I am trying to be my best version.
00:43:05
I've done the counseling stuff from prior.
00:43:08
I've already learned a lot
from past relationships.
00:43:11
Don't bring me your baggage and trauma.
00:43:15
So I mean, let yourself
grow in those things.
00:43:20
Let yourself.
00:43:21
Enjoy the journey. Enjoy the
journey, enjoy the journey.
00:43:24
Yeah. So we thank you guys
for tuning in. Thank you.
00:43:27
If you think this can help anybody,
00:43:29
send it to 'em so that they can listen
and hopefully they'll get something
00:43:33
out of it too.
00:43:34
Have the best week ever and God bless.
00:43:36
You guys next week.
00:43:38
Thank you for joining us on this
episode, the Pretty and Punk podcast.
00:43:43
If you know somebody, this will
help. Make sure to send it to them.
00:43:48
See you next week. Love you.
Bless. Thank you for listening.
00:43:55
Life.
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