Love and War: Rules Around Fighting in Your Marriage

00:00:00
Men, they go through a
different upbringing.

00:00:03
And in the past it was like, don't
show your emotions. Stop crying.

00:00:08
Don't do this, don't do
that. And I could see,

00:00:10
especially for males or husbands
that are raised in an all

00:00:15
male environment with no sisters,

00:00:17
they don't really see the
emotions that women go through.

00:00:22
So all of a sudden they're
in a relationship and
they're like, what is this?

00:00:26
This is uncomfortable.

00:00:35
No.

00:00:37
That's better, right, babe? Yeah.

00:00:42
Yeah. She founded an
architectural concrete company.

00:00:47
He.

00:00:47
Founded a hundred million
dollars clothing company.

00:00:50
She took the world by storm
as a social media star. He.

00:00:54
Took the world by storm as a
famous serial entrepreneur.

00:00:57
Together we started a.

00:00:58
Business and had babies.

00:01:00
Now we're figuring out
the best ways to do both.

00:01:03
Join us as we learn from other
entrepreneurs going through the same life

00:01:07
struggles.

00:01:07
As they share their life,
hacks about success, love.

00:01:11
Kids, and everything in between.

00:01:13
A great marriage is born the
moment when a husband and wife

00:01:18
decide to stop fighting
against each other and start

00:01:22
fighting for each other.

00:01:26
I'm my beloved and my beloved is mine.

00:01:31
So the song and sixth three.

00:01:36
Welcome to the Pretty and Punk
podcast. I'm your host, Dan Caldwell,

00:01:40
and I'm here with my beautiful wife, Ko.

00:01:43
Beautiful F.

00:01:45
And we have another great
podcast for you guys.

00:01:49
It's not because we've been fighting
or anything like that. Actually.

00:01:53
Everything's been great. We haven't
had a fight in a while, but we.

00:01:57
Well, we bump heads, but I
just let you in. Well, we bump.

00:02:00
Heads.

00:02:00
All the time. I, I'm exhausted. I'm tired.

00:02:03
Before.

00:02:04
We had kids, I think it was different.

00:02:07
I would really go in the ring and
fight, but sometimes I just let you win.

00:02:12
Because I'm worried because I have to
worry about, you can kick me in the head.

00:02:16
You've done it before.
Not because you're mad,

00:02:20
but you just wanted to
prove a point, I think.

00:02:24
But we wanted to come up with some.

00:02:25
You would say you're the kick boxer
champion. I said, look what I could do.

00:02:29
I had to take fighting classes for.

00:02:32
Acting. I'm definitely
not a kickboxer champion.

00:02:36
Kickboxing's not my thing for sure.

00:02:38
I had the coach that I think
he coached, what was her name?

00:02:42
Buffy the Vampire Slayer or something.
I've never watched that show,

00:02:45
but he coached.

00:02:46
Her. I wouldn't be too proud. I
wouldn't put that out there too much. I.

00:02:50
Don't even know what it is. But that
was one of, and he'd coached Smallville,

00:02:54
but he was.

00:02:54
I know he used to send me
videos of yourself kickboxing.

00:02:58
Because he, if you learn some fancy steps,

00:03:02
then it'll help you with the movie. They
like fancy stuff in the movies. Anyway,

00:03:08
we are talking about fighting,

00:03:11
but fighting in.

00:03:13
Marriage. So we want, so rules
of engagement in marriage.

00:03:18
We built some rules around
because we both have,

00:03:24
the problem is probably.

00:03:27
The Wait, do you want to.

00:03:29
Well, yeah, before we
jump into that, hey guys,

00:03:33
we hope you're enjoying today's
episode of the Pretty and Punk podcast.

00:03:36
And if you are and you haven't already
hit that liked and subscribe button,

00:03:40
it just takes a second.

00:03:42
It means so much to us because it really
helps the podcast Get out there to more

00:03:45
listeners like you guys.
And if you know anybody,

00:03:48
it might help and you can send it to
them. We really appreciate that too.

00:03:52
We also love and appreciate
your reviews, even the babies,

00:03:56
look forward to them every day.

00:03:58
If you share this episode on social
media today, don't forget to tag us.

00:04:03
We want to celebrate you because we
know it's not easy being a parent in

00:04:07
business and the way that
you juggle things makes you
a superhero that's worth a

00:04:11
shout out. Together we have a community
of our personal followers as well,

00:04:16
and we just want to put it out there.

00:04:18
We want to show everybody that
this juggle is possible and

00:04:23
you are our family and we're
so proud and grateful to have

00:04:28
you a part of this family.

00:04:30
So don't forget all the
links are below in the show

00:04:34
notes. And thank you again. And
let's get back to the show rules.

00:04:40
Around fighting in the marriage.

00:04:42
Well, thank goodness you
didn't use your military term.

00:04:45
Rules of engagement in the marriage.

00:04:47
That's what really what
I wanted to go with.

00:04:49
But I didn't understand it.
But a lot of people don't.

00:04:51
What that is had to
explain it to me after.

00:04:53
As a former police officer.

00:04:55
It's just something. I get it,
I get it, I get it. It's how.

00:04:57
We speak.

00:04:58
I really like this topic because
it's important not only for

00:05:03
us as husband and wife, mother and father,

00:05:07
but if we don't do this properly,

00:05:12
we got little eyes watching us.

00:05:17
So these things are the things that we
came up with we slowly came up with.

00:05:21
It's not like one day
we sat down and we said,

00:05:23
here's five rules that
we're going to come up with.

00:05:25
It was something that developed over time.

00:05:29
Just we're trying to
work things out because

00:05:33
it is hard because we're
a lot alike in a lot of

00:05:38
ways.

00:05:39
And so we tend to butt heads
sometimes because we're both,

00:05:43
we both have strong
personalities. We're both

00:05:48
business owners, entrepreneurs,
heads of our companies.

00:05:53
And it somehow carries
over into relationship.

00:05:58
Now if you run your relationship like you
run your business, it's going to fail.

00:06:02
It's not going to do well. No. So we
had to figure out rules based around

00:06:09
a healthy argument at home because.

00:06:13
You a difference of opinion to
follow. And sometimes it changes.

00:06:16
Sometimes we add more, sometimes less.

00:06:19
But we just chose five.

00:06:21
We decided to share five step with,

00:06:26
I can't speak today.

00:06:29
It's that coffee you're drinking.

00:06:30
I'm not drinking coffee. It's green tea,

00:06:32
but it still has a little
bit of caffeine. Number one,

00:06:36
never say the word divorce.

00:06:38
Never. I mean, we just don't,
I don't think we, the D word,

00:06:44
I had always made a commitment to
myself that I would never get divorce if

00:06:49
I got married. It was going
to be the last time. So you,

00:06:54
you're going to have to throw me off
kids the side of a building or something.

00:06:58
I'm not leaving. Well, we.

00:06:59
Got to focus on the solutions and
working through the challenges together.

00:07:04
And we always have to remember
that we are a team, that it's not

00:07:10
me winning or you winning, it's
us finding the solution together.

00:07:15
And for me, because of,

00:07:19
I think for having not think,

00:07:23
I guess this is just an uncomfortable

00:07:27
think to acknowledge for myself
as a child of divorce and

00:07:32
having my father have
left and I remember it

00:07:37
so vividly and he said he'd be back,

00:07:40
but he never came back. Wow.

00:07:44
I didn't expect.

00:07:45
Get.

00:07:45
Emotional.

00:07:45
I know this is something that really
affects you because every time for it's a

00:07:49
conversation, you get emotional.

00:07:52
So for me,

00:07:54
when in the infant stages
of our relationship and if

00:07:59
Dan would get frustrated, like many men,

00:08:04
if they leave the home

00:08:08
or wherever the environment is,
it would bring back that trauma

00:08:15
of thinking that he's not going to
come back. And that was never the case,

00:08:20
but that was my own trauma
that I had to deal with.

00:08:24
So for us,

00:08:27
just we decided that
he would be very clear

00:08:32
that I just need to take a
minute and I need to go away.

00:08:35
But he used to sometimes
leave and leave for a day.

00:08:38
And that was emotionally very hard for me.

00:08:42
So if you could find that, because
everybody has different triggers,

00:08:47
everybody has different traumas
and we had to discover that

00:08:52
together. For me, that's traumatic.

00:08:56
And also once you have kids,

00:09:00
they don't know if you're going for good
or coming back. So it's almost better

00:09:05
to just walk away,

00:09:06
go to the other room or
if you're okay with them

00:09:11
leaving for a day or a few
hours. But really for me,

00:09:16
it's very important to go to sleep
with everything being resolved.

00:09:21
So not only not throwing
the D word around,

00:09:24
but for me it triggers a
lot when someone walks out,

00:09:29
walks out on me and nothing's resolved.

00:09:32
And I understand you need to take
a moment or I may need to take a

00:09:37
moment. I think women don't
really need those moments.

00:09:41
It's more of a husband thing.

00:09:46
A man.

00:09:47
Thing. A man thing. Yeah.
Where they need to take that.

00:09:48
I didn't know how much
that affected you. For me,

00:09:52
I was trying to handle the
disagreement the best I could and how

00:09:57
I handled.

00:09:58
It. So you just didn't want to fight.

00:09:59
I didn't want to fight. You just
leave it. I was like, I have to go.

00:10:02
I'll be back, but I have
to go. I can't deal with.

00:10:05
This right now. You wouldn't even say
that. You would sometimes just walk.

00:10:07
This is way, this is when we were.

00:10:10
This without kids.

00:10:10
Without kids. And I just couldn't
understand why is this so hard?

00:10:15
Why is this so triggering? And
I had to do my personal work.

00:10:19
And remember that moment when I

00:10:24
think my parents got into, I was
very young, maybe three or four,

00:10:29
no, no, three or four.

00:10:30
But I do remember that there was police

00:10:35
lights flashing and my dad walked
out and I remember screaming his

00:10:40
name, don't go, don't go. And.

00:10:44
I could see how that could be triggering
to that. He never came back memory.

00:10:48
And if I would've known that
if we would've done that work

00:10:52
earlier, I would've never done that.

00:10:55
I would've never done that because
that wasn't the purpose of it.

00:11:00
I knew myself that I knew
whatever we were always,

00:11:04
we were arguing about stupid stuff
that didn't matter that we don't even

00:11:08
remember at this point.
Yeah, really don't remember.

00:11:11
But it was just I knew myself.

00:11:13
I knew if I left for an hour or two,
I would come back and it'd be like,

00:11:17
it never happened. I'd be like,
whatever you want. And then.

00:11:20
For me.

00:11:20
That was like, okay, that's
what you need. That's.

00:11:22
Fine. Because I was like, we
didn't resolve this. But I.

00:11:26
Think it was my way of resolving it.

00:11:28
But I was like, we need to talk
about this. We need to figure it out.

00:11:31
I just need to know that I'm
loved, that I'm worth it,

00:11:34
that all that I needed.

00:11:37
To fight for, fight us. I needed
to fight for us and I should.

00:11:40
And you know what the truth is,

00:11:43
I needed to fight for it more.

00:11:46
I needed to fight for our
relationship at that time.

00:11:50
We could have easily ended up not,

00:11:53
but I just knew myself.

00:11:55
I knew that if I left for two hours
and I came back, I wouldn't even care.

00:12:00
You win whatever you want, it's fine.

00:12:04
I don't.

00:12:04
Want to win. I just know in that moment

00:12:07
I was feeling like I needed
to win for whatever reason.

00:12:12
Well, and also men,

00:12:13
they go through a different upbringing
and in the past it was like,

00:12:18
don't show your emotions. Stop
crying. Don't do this, don't do that.

00:12:22
And I could see,

00:12:23
especially for males or
husbands that are raised

00:12:28
in an all male environment
with no sisters,

00:12:32
they don't really see the
emotions that women go through.

00:12:36
So all of a sudden they're
in a relationship and
they're like, what is this?

00:12:41
This is uncomfortable.

00:12:43
She's going through these things
that I don't even understand.

00:12:46
I just got to get out of here.

00:12:47
So now in this place in my

00:12:52
life, I understand that too. But
I also understand my triggers.

00:12:57
For me and for many women out there,

00:13:01
I know that it's very
important for them to

00:13:05
resolve things and just to
feel heard and understood.

00:13:09
And it's not necessarily about
winning. I don't want to win,

00:13:14
but I definitely want to
make sure that it's resolved,

00:13:17
especially before going to bed,

00:13:20
because that's like
torture a woman's mind.

00:13:23
The wheels will turn and turn and turn.
It's like, why doesn't he just hold me?

00:13:27
Why doesn't he just tell me that
we can work this out together?

00:13:31
Why can't it just be resolved so
we can live our very best life?

00:13:35
So step one, never say the D.

00:13:38
Word. Never used the word divorce. I
know we got a little bit off track,

00:13:40
but that actually brings us to
our next one is remind each other.

00:13:43
You're on the same team. And this is
where, and I should have actually,

00:13:47
it should be a part of this.
This is where I'll tell you,

00:13:51
the most uncomfortable thing to do
when you're in a disagreement or an

00:13:56
argument is to hold each other

00:14:00
or to hold each other's hand.

00:14:02
And this is something that I learned and
took some wisdom and it took some time

00:14:06
and maybe some growth in myself.

00:14:09
But what we do now or what if

00:14:14
we're in a disagreement and it
starts to get sideways is I just

00:14:19
hold ICO's hand. And I said,

00:14:22
we're on the same team and
just as long as I'm holding,

00:14:25
it's hard to fight and be
mad at somebody when you're.

00:14:27
Physically holding mad, when you're.

00:14:29
Holding each other, especially

00:14:32
if you're embracing each other or
hugging each other really hard to fight.

00:14:36
And I remember hearing
somebody solution to two

00:14:41
kids fighting is making their restriction
was to go stand in the corner and

00:14:46
hug each other until for
an hour or something.

00:14:49
It's really hard to be mad somebody
or whatever it was, 10 minutes,

00:14:53
five minutes. But I just think
the same works for adults.

00:14:57
And that's kind of where we
came up with the concept of just

00:15:02
holding each other and just
reminding each other physically,

00:15:06
saying this out loud to each other.

00:15:10
We're on the same team. We're trying to,

00:15:13
because many times you're
fighting over something and you.

00:15:16
Forget in the heat of the.

00:15:17
Moment, both go in the
same direction, right?

00:15:19
It's like you're both racing the same
direction and you forget exactly whatever

00:15:24
you were going to say. You get
the moment of the moment in.

00:15:28
The heat of the moment, you forget you're
trying to win for the same direction.

00:15:30
For what? We're on the
same team. We're married,

00:15:34
we have a dream together. That's
what we're fighting for. We a goal.

00:15:39
We have many goals together.
That's what we're fighting for.

00:15:42
And when you see two basketball players
and they're on the same team and they're

00:15:46
arguing on the court, not how you win
a game, no, you want to win a game,

00:15:51
you play as team players.

00:15:52
And just remember, if I
lose, you actually lost two.

00:15:57
Or if you lose, absolutely.
I actually lost two.

00:16:00
I really like that about Daniel's,
Elon Musk course that he's taking.

00:16:05
The school that he's taking is
because they keep reminding each other

00:16:10
that I think Daniel
said I won and he had to

00:16:15
be reminded, well, if one
of us loses, we all lose.

00:16:19
And if one of us wins, we all win.

00:16:22
So we have to look at it
in the positive light.

00:16:24
And I really like that mindset and I
like that mindset for us because it just

00:16:28
reminds me, well, if I won, we didn't win.

00:16:33
We have to both win together.

00:16:35
Absolutely. You don't
win unless we both win.

00:16:37
And that's why hold your
partner's hand and whoever it is,

00:16:43
it's going to be like
Ilko. And I would probably,

00:16:47
we both have done this where
we want to kind of pull away,

00:16:50
you're in the heat of the moment.

00:16:55
I wanted to use your name
too. I can't use your name.

00:16:59
And if I could be the, I.

00:17:01
Remember in the beginning
though, I tried to touch you.

00:17:04
You were like, I'm so mad,
toddler, I'm so mad. I'm a toddler,

00:17:08
total toddler. That was awesome.
But I'm just, you want to pull away?

00:17:13
I can't use your name. You're not going
to let me use your name. It's okay.

00:17:17
I'm the lone goose standing out on
the pedestal here on the edge of the

00:17:20
building. Okay. Yes. Me.

00:17:24
Even not just when you're fighting,

00:17:26
but I remember this when I was a child and

00:17:32
we were going through grief.

00:17:33
My brother died very suddenly and
I remember sometimes my mom would

00:17:38
just hold me. She would hug me.

00:17:41
She knew that I was going through stuff.

00:17:43
And Daniel's going through
this the other day,

00:17:45
he did his speech in front of a
thousand people and after he got really

00:17:49
emotional and he drew a
picture of grandma's face on
a balloon and he was really

00:17:54
sad and crying in the bathroom.
I mean, we all go through grief,

00:17:57
but I just remember this
thing that my mom used to do.

00:18:00
She used to come in and she would
just hug me and hold me. And she said,

00:18:04
if you hug someone over a
minute, over 30 minutes,

00:18:09
or sorry, 30 seconds to a minute,

00:18:13
you give them your strong energy
and your love and it lifts them

00:18:17
up.

00:18:18
So I did that with Daniel and I really
feel that that helps us when we're

00:18:22
fighting or if one of us
is down, it literally,

00:18:26
you cannot help but to feel lifted
when you have someone's physical.

00:18:30
We have this blessing
inside of us, this energy,

00:18:34
this love that God has blessed us with.

00:18:36
So use that as a tool.

00:18:39
Absolutely. That's something
that's so powerful.

00:18:41
And if you guys are in
this situation, try it.

00:18:44
I promise you you'll watch
an immediate effect happen.

00:18:49
You guys are in this
disagreement or argument and
the voices are starting to get

00:18:54
a little louder. And if somebody just.

00:18:57
Take courage, the.

00:18:57
Initiative and the courage.

00:18:59
The courage, courage to hold
each other but do it anyway.

00:19:03
Grab their hand and say, hold them,
look in their eye or hold them.

00:19:07
That's a little harder for to do baby
steps. I've given you the easy move.

00:19:12
Baby steps. Baby steps and look
right in their eye and say,

00:19:15
we're on the same team and don't let go.

00:19:19
And I encourage a partner to try to not

00:19:24
pull away. And if you guys do that,

00:19:26
I promise you it'll change the
whole dynamic of the situation.

00:19:32
And that brings us to the third one. The.

00:19:35
Third one, do not raise your
voice. Try not to raise your voice.

00:19:40
Takes a lot of,

00:19:44
but take it like a challenge
and try to be the leader in

00:19:48
that.

00:19:50
Yeah, sometimes you don't even
realize that you're raising,

00:19:52
I'm really bad at this. I'll
just say I'm not good at this.

00:19:57
That you don't even realize
you're raising your voice.

00:20:01
You don't mean to it. Just you're
in this conversation and voice.

00:20:06
One person's voice gets a little bit
louder and the other person's voice gets a

00:20:09
little bit louder and then you get a
little bit louder and you just want to be

00:20:12
heard,

00:20:13
but you find yourself raising
your voice and raising your voice.

00:20:17
And it's just,

00:20:18
that is how an argument gets out of
control because you're each really

00:20:22
innocently just trying
to get your point across.

00:20:25
You want to be heard and.

00:20:26
Want to.

00:20:26
Be heard.

00:20:27
So one speaks louder and then louder
and overlapping and overlapping

00:20:31
and you just want to be
heard. You just want to be,

00:20:37
what is the word? Acknowledged.

00:20:40
You want to get your
point acknowledged. Now,

00:20:43
that's the important thing to
acknowledge them right, wrong,

00:20:48
indifferent.

00:20:49
You just want to make sure that you
acknowledged their point and what they're

00:20:54
trying to get across.

00:20:55
And it's especially dangerous when
you have little ones in the house or

00:20:59
teenagers, whatever it is you just do.

00:21:01
Remember they're learning how to be
parents right now they're in training.

00:21:06
And so when they're watching you
guys go through this and they're.

00:21:08
Escalating the situation,

00:21:10
you need to really work on
your communication skills,

00:21:15
communication without, I mean,

00:21:18
we've all seen those people
in business that come in,

00:21:22
they just lose their mind. Not
to me. No, you don't do that.

00:21:27
You've never done that. Really.
That's with your employees. No,

00:21:29
but we've seen people that lose
their cool and it's like absolutely

00:21:34
learn how communication,

00:21:37
learning how to
communicate at a young age.

00:21:40
If you just choose the right words,

00:21:44
you're going to get your point across
much better and more powerfully

00:21:48
than if you.

00:21:49
Yell. And a side note too, if you
do this in front of your kids,

00:21:54
it will show them how to communicate

00:21:58
effectively with each other. Let
them see you have a disagreement.

00:22:03
Let them know that a
disagreement can be figured out,

00:22:08
can be resolved by conversation.

00:22:11
And you can stay calm,

00:22:12
express your thoughts respectfully
and create a safe space

00:22:17
for open dialogue.

00:22:19
Open the dialogue and that
just leads to juicy, wonderful,

00:22:23
valuable conversations.

00:22:26
And you can talk through the problem and
you come up with a solution together.

00:22:30
And if they see that nothing's more
valuable for their business experience

00:22:35
and their future marriage and
relationships with friends.

00:22:38
Absolutely. Remember they're learning.
They're learning through you.

00:22:42
You are teaching them
how to be parents in the.

00:22:45
Future and how to communicate.

00:22:48
Put yourself in their shoes.

00:22:50
That's number four.

00:22:51
Put yourself in their shoes. If there is,

00:22:55
I mean I can't think of something more,

00:22:58
a stronger way to

00:23:03
help yourself figure out the argument
and resolve the argument than

00:23:07
putting yourself in your partner's
shoes. Because often here's,

00:23:12
we would have this,

00:23:13
I would come home and after
being out traveling or at work

00:23:18
or gone for some reason,
whatever the reason might be,

00:23:22
and I come home and I'm
exhausted, I'm done.

00:23:26
I've had 30 conversations
today on the phone.

00:23:29
I've been in disagreements, whatever.

00:23:31
We're trying to figure things out and
I'm going through this stuff and then I

00:23:34
come home and I have
somebody coming at me and my

00:23:39
first reaction is to lash out.

00:23:42
And I don't realize that
I haven't put myself

00:23:46
in her shoes. What has she
been going through all day?

00:23:50
You think being home with the kids is
easy and not that she's home with the kids

00:23:55
either. We take turns doing our
own, working on our businesses,

00:23:59
but the fact that I'm not putting myself
in her shoes and understanding what

00:24:03
she's going through and I'm just thinking
about myself at that moment is a sure

00:24:08
way to never resolve an argument.

00:24:11
And rather than coming home and
unloading your grump, it's just,

00:24:17
did.

00:24:17
You just call me a grump?

00:24:18
Yes, I'm little grump.

00:24:19
And then that triggers your wife or spouse

00:24:24
and it could be the other way around
or maybe I come out a little grumpy or

00:24:29
whatever it is. And he has all this
stuff that he dealt with all day.

00:24:34
I have the things that I dealt with
all day and it's not really the kids,

00:24:38
it's my personal physical pain that
I'm going through from illness.

00:24:43
And I am healthy, I am
strong, I am blessed.

00:24:46
I never want to say anything negative,

00:24:49
but definitely I do have challenges. So

00:24:54
in our house, the reason I said that,

00:24:57
because in our house we never want to
say sick or ill or any of that stuff.

00:25:01
We don't want to say that. So
sometimes when I catch myself,

00:25:05
the enemy cannot read your
thoughts. So you could think things,

00:25:08
but when you speak them out loud, then
fix it really quickly. It's just my way.

00:25:13
It's just the thing that we do in our
house. If we say something negative,

00:25:17
then we fix it right away.
I know it's off topic,

00:25:20
but I just wanted it to
make sense to you guys.

00:25:22
This is something that
we practice in our home.

00:25:26
But as I was saying, so
I'm dealing with my things,

00:25:29
he's dealing with his things
and someone may come and just

00:25:34
in a different tone and
it just triggers us.

00:25:37
And I feel like empathy is a powerful tool

00:25:42
and we got to lean into that.

00:25:44
Put yourself in their shoes. If
you're standing in their shoes,

00:25:47
I promise you the whole
problem, the whole situation,

00:25:50
the whole conversation
will look different.

00:25:53
And if you can use that along with some
of these other things to make sure that

00:25:57
you're doing some of this other
stuff at the same time that you'll

00:26:02
quickly resolve.

00:26:02
Yeah, always try to understand your
partner's perspective and feelings,

00:26:07
and this helps foster understanding,

00:26:09
compassion and ultimately
strengthen your bond.

00:26:14
That brings us to the last
one. Number five. Listen,

00:26:18
listening is so powerful and it's so often

00:26:22
ignored.

00:26:24
The problem is in leadership for you
men out there and then women too,

00:26:28
because women are leaders in the house
too. They're just not the same leader.

00:26:32
They're leading in a
different way. Well, I.

00:26:34
Feel like look at your family as
a family tree. Who's the roots?

00:26:40
The father, the husband.
He has to be the roots.

00:26:43
But of course as women,
we do lead and outside.

00:26:47
If our husband pours into us
and coaches us and teaches us,

00:26:52
we could be leaders outside
of the home for other women,

00:26:57
other children,

00:26:58
and ultimately we can
be leaders in that way.

00:27:03
But there is always
going to be one leader.

00:27:06
The head of the house we're the crown.

00:27:09
And part of that is you
have to listen. Guys,

00:27:13
don't think that leading your
household means enforcing and

00:27:17
dictating your will upon
everybody around you. Okay?

00:27:21
A big part of that is listening.

00:27:24
Listening to make informed decisions.

00:27:27
You see so many leaders out there that
are dictators that are throwing their

00:27:31
voice around and expecting people to
follow 'em and people won't follow.

00:27:35
Them, but they haven't listened and they
don't know how to solve the problem.

00:27:39
They're just layering
it with fear and well,

00:27:44
not fear, but.

00:27:45
Just no, it can be fear too.

00:27:46
Commandments commanding rather
than understanding how to properly

00:27:51
solve what's going on, to
listen to your partner.

00:27:55
And I feel that that goes both
ways is one of the biggest and most

00:28:00
precious gifts you could give someone
every day and your children, your family.

00:28:05
And on that, I have one more that
I just have to throw in there.

00:28:09
I know we said five, five.

00:28:11
But wait, you've.

00:28:12
One more too. Makes seven.
Now we're out of control.

00:28:15
No, no, it's not. One
more. It's about listening.

00:28:17
You got more? I got one
more than you got One more.

00:28:19
It's about listening. Just put away
distractions. Put down the devices.

00:28:24
Really look your partner in the eye and
let them know sometimes we as women,

00:28:28
we just need, we may not
even need a response.

00:28:32
And Jordan Peterson talks about
that so well, it's just, listen.

00:28:36
Sometimes you don't even need to
respond, but we just need to get things.

00:28:40
Off of our, it probably shouldn't respond.

00:28:42
Many times it should be if you let
your spouse know that you're listening,

00:28:46
and that means not looking down
at your phone, not looking away,

00:28:51
looking into their eyes and let them
know that you're listening and we've all

00:28:55
been guilty of this. Trust
me, I've been guilty of it.

00:29:00
And I just always, the thing is
we just always got to be better.

00:29:04
We always just got to
work towards being better.

00:29:07
And this simple act,

00:29:09
don't forget can make us feel very valued,

00:29:14
heard and loved. And that's important
for both sides of the fence, I believe.

00:29:18
And the last thing I'd
like to say is just,

00:29:20
and this is if you want to make it a
number six, and so be it, accountability.

00:29:27
You got to be accountable for
yourselves, whether you're,

00:29:30
especially you men out
there. Believe me, again,

00:29:33
I'll just throw myself under
the bus. I'm guilty of this too.

00:29:40
Everybody hates to admit
when they're wrong. But

00:29:44
you have to realize if you're doing all
these things and you're in the right

00:29:48
place and you have God first
place in your marriage,

00:29:53
it's so much easier to
take on accountability.

00:29:56
And sometimes you just have to say
it out loud and it's refreshing. It.

00:29:59
Is refreshing.

00:30:00
When you can say it and get it
out of your system and realize,

00:30:05
okay, now I can work on getting better.
It's like I said it. Okay, I said it.

00:30:09
I hated saying it, and it hurt to say
it and it came out for you. It hurt.

00:30:14
It hurt coming out.

00:30:15
I get it.

00:30:16
I remember this was a huge
thing in our house to take

00:30:21
accountability. That was one
of my mom's golden rules,

00:30:25
and it was so important. I
mean, she created so many great,

00:30:30
strong relationships in business
by taking accountability and

00:30:35
just holding other people
responsible to take accountability.

00:30:39
She was very honest with
everyone. So I grew up like this.

00:30:43
It was hard for me to do in the beginning,

00:30:46
but I think because I did all
that work when I was a child,

00:30:50
and I feel that that's so
important for our kids.

00:30:53
They're never worried about being
wrong or taking accountability.

00:30:57
It's really not a big deal. It's just,

00:31:03
it's a learning experience
really, and it's a lesson.

00:31:07
So never feel bad about
taking accountability.

00:31:10
No, I think ourselves, kids.

00:31:11
Are going.

00:31:11
To really good at it because

00:31:14
even though a lot of these
things we inwardly struggle with,

00:31:19
I think we are trying to implement them.

00:31:22
And our kids see that
and they see that well.

00:31:25
They learn.

00:31:26
From us and they're with us all the
time. So they see this stuff go down.

00:31:29
If we are in a disagreement, it
may start off a little shaky,

00:31:34
but we are, especially today
with our kids and everything,

00:31:38
we're getting much better
at these things. We put.

00:31:41
The.

00:31:41
Work in, and you have to put the work
in. It's not easy, guys, trust me.

00:31:45
This stuff isn't easy and you're
going to be off kilter here and there,

00:31:50
but if you just keep working towards this
and always keeping God first place in

00:31:55
your marriage,

00:31:58
that's my call I have
coming up. And you always,

00:32:01
always keep God first
place in your marriage.

00:32:04
All these things will work themselves
out. Remember, never mention divorce.

00:32:09
Remind yourself that we're
all on the same team.

00:32:13
Don't raise your voice in a disagreement.

00:32:16
Put yourself in their shoes and
listen, and always take accountability.

00:32:20
Thank you guys for
listening to this podcast.

00:32:22
I hope if you know anybody who's going
through something in their marriage or

00:32:26
relationship and they could use something
like this, please share this today.

00:32:31
This is a perfect episode to.

00:32:32
Share with the people. Love.
Everybody has something, love.

00:32:34
Everybody has something we.

00:32:35
Can all work on ourselves to be better.

00:32:38
And thank you so much for tuning in this
week. We love you so much. God bless.

00:32:43
Have the best week ever. I'll see.

00:32:45
You guys next week. You've been
listening to the Pretty Impact part.

00:32:50
If you want more, click
the subscribe button below,

00:32:55
check out all YouTube channel. God bless.

00:32:59
And as always, we love you.