The Importance of Spending Quality Time Together; Divorce Proofing Your Marriage Part 3 of 10

[00:00:00] We do spend a lot of time together because we're at home together every day and we talk about our businesses and stuff, but there's times when you just kind of want to put the businesses aside and just talk about what's going on in our lives and our dreams and what do you want to do for the next 10 years.

[00:00:23] Uh, no.

[00:00:26] Ooh, that's better, right babe?

[00:00:29] Yeah!

[00:00:33] She founded an architectural concrete company.

[00:00:36] He founded a hundred million dollar clothing company.

[00:00:39] She took the world by storm as a social media star.

[00:00:42] He took the world by storm as a famous serial entrepreneur.

[00:00:46] Together we started a business.

[00:00:48] And had babies.

[00:00:49] Now we're figuring out the best ways to do both.

[00:00:52] Join us as we learn from other entrepreneurs going through the same life struggles.

[00:00:56] As they share their life hacks about success, love, kids.

[00:01:01] And everything in between.

[00:01:02] When you get married, it's not just about tying the knot.

[00:01:06] It's about keeping the knot tight.

[00:01:08] If I get married, I want to be very married.

[00:01:12] Quote by Audrey Hepburn.

[00:01:15] Welcome to the Pretty and Punk Podcast.

[00:01:17] My name is Dan Caldwell.

[00:01:18] And I'm here with my beautiful wife and co-host.

[00:01:23] Yldi Cole Ferenc.

[00:01:24] And we've got another great podcast for you.

[00:01:27] Thanks for jumping in there, babe.

[00:01:28] And we have another great podcast for you.

[00:01:31] I'm trying to grab the name of it here.

[00:01:34] Investing time together without distractions or investing time together,

[00:01:39] which is part of our 10 part series of how to...

[00:01:44] Divorce proof your marriage.

[00:01:46] Divorce proof your marriage.

[00:01:48] Divorce proof your marriage.

[00:01:49] And it is important because it's so easy to not do this thing.

[00:01:56] When you get caught up, when you start to have kids, you know, when you're single, everything's fine.

[00:02:02] It's...

[00:02:03] No, I think that the business and then other things that can pull you apart for sure.

[00:02:12] I mean, it's not just once you have kids.

[00:02:15] I think it's the business and trying to hustle.

[00:02:16] Yeah, but when you have kids, you have all of that together at one time, right?

[00:02:20] Yeah, on top of it.

[00:02:20] Yeah, on top of that.

[00:02:21] But a lot of people...

[00:02:22] Before, when you're single and it's just you two and you're just married or before you're married,

[00:02:27] you know, you're spending all your time together.

[00:02:30] And unfortunately, you know, we love being around our kids.

[00:02:35] Not unfortunately, we love being around our kids.

[00:02:37] So it becomes easy to not do those things.

[00:02:41] And so we're going to talk to you a little bit about how to get better at that

[00:02:45] and include ourselves in that because we need to get better at that too.

[00:02:49] And so we're part of that.

[00:02:51] But we know it's important and we do do it, but not as much as we like to.

[00:02:56] Before we jump into that.

[00:02:57] Hey guys, we hope you're enjoying today's episode of the Pretty and Punk podcast.

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[00:03:27] We want to celebrate you because we know it's not easy being a parent in business.

[00:03:32] And the way that you juggle things makes you a superhero.

[00:03:35] That's worth a shout out.

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[00:04:01] And let's get back to the show.

[00:04:03] There's so many things that steal connection.

[00:04:06] It could be work.

[00:04:08] It could be, it could be friends.

[00:04:12] It could be outside influences.

[00:04:14] Our phones.

[00:04:15] If you don't have connection and you start losing the connection.

[00:04:21] And on top of that, if you are not, are not arguing, but working things out and it turns into resentment, then there's going to be no desire to have connection.

[00:04:37] And without connection, your marriage will very quickly float apart in different directions and get stale and tie.

[00:04:47] So this is a really important topic this week is spending time together, but not just being around each other, actually investing time in each other.

[00:05:00] Because you can tell, you can tell when somebody is taking a work call and they're 100% in and they're there.

[00:05:10] But when they're having a conversation at home, sometimes they don't even look up and look at you.

[00:05:16] And then it gets to the point where those types of things cause resentment.

[00:05:21] And even cutting someone off cold turkey.

[00:05:25] I mean, why do you want to even touch someone that won't even spend the time to look at you or talk to you?

[00:05:32] So these are things that it starts with small things that can lead into really major barriers between a marriage that is really dangerous.

[00:05:50] I was just listening to Michael Schmidt.

[00:05:55] I can't remember his last name.

[00:05:57] I apologize.

[00:05:58] But he was talking about, he was talking to a couple that was, they were over, they were divorcing.

[00:06:07] And I think he was just trying to, of course, salvage the marriage.

[00:06:11] But the question came up of, when did you know that it was over?

[00:06:18] And she said, well, my husband always pays attention to when I would be out of this specialty granola that I would put on my cereal every single morning.

[00:06:31] And he would have to go to a special store because it was a specific kind of granola.

[00:06:36] And she noticed one morning that the bag was empty.

[00:06:42] And she moved it to a different place thinking, oh, maybe he didn't notice.

[00:06:47] But he just stopped getting the granola.

[00:06:51] And that was her signal of when the marriage was dead.

[00:06:57] And I think everybody that goes through this, yeah, it was just something that he would do all the time.

[00:07:04] And that was her sign.

[00:07:06] I mean, it sounds like they gave up pretty easy if that's the level.

[00:07:10] No, but it was a lot of other things on top of it.

[00:07:13] Well, that's what I mean.

[00:07:14] It's gotta be.

[00:07:14] And that was the first little thing that she noticed that he stopped caring about the little thing.

[00:07:21] You would never even, I have to tell you, because things somehow in this house magically appear.

[00:07:29] And on the last day when it's all gone, he's like, do you have any toothpaste?

[00:07:33] And it's like, well, just give me at least 24 hours so I can magically make it appear.

[00:07:40] Just let me know a day or two in advance.

[00:07:43] And I always ask, is it getting, is something in your bathroom getting low?

[00:07:47] Well, you usually get it by a stockpile.

[00:07:48] You like buy a stockpile of it.

[00:07:50] No.

[00:07:50] So I'm expecting there's two or three toothpaste back there.

[00:07:53] No.

[00:07:53] There's two or three deodorants back there.

[00:07:56] No, but we run out.

[00:07:58] I do usually have two or three.

[00:08:00] I know you do.

[00:08:00] That's why I expect that.

[00:08:02] Right.

[00:08:02] But then you just have to let me know.

[00:08:04] So anyway, I would never be the girl that would have the grinal.

[00:08:08] Nothing gets bought for me.

[00:08:10] I have to do everything myself.

[00:08:11] But you're good at that.

[00:08:13] Yeah.

[00:08:14] But you're great at that.

[00:08:16] Yeah.

[00:08:17] And cause you're always ahead of the game.

[00:08:19] It's not that I'm great.

[00:08:20] I have no choice because if I didn't do it, we would have nothing in the house.

[00:08:26] I'm doing mental inventory all day long.

[00:08:29] What do we need?

[00:08:30] What?

[00:08:30] There's no eggs.

[00:08:31] Can you just tell me when you're on your last egg?

[00:08:35] I just noticed this evening, the crackers that I have these sourdough crackers with like

[00:08:40] two or three and no three ingredients and they're gone.

[00:08:45] I love those crackers and the kids love those crackers.

[00:08:48] They're gone.

[00:08:49] They ate them.

[00:08:50] So you, but tell me.

[00:08:52] I didn't notice they were gone.

[00:08:53] If, but if you use them, just let me know.

[00:08:57] Okay.

[00:08:57] I'll make it magically appear.

[00:08:58] I'm there.

[00:08:59] So anyway, the granola thing would never be our problem.

[00:09:03] But that was what?

[00:09:04] No, I think it's about communication.

[00:09:05] That was one of the first things.

[00:09:07] I think that's the important thing.

[00:09:08] If you're not having communication, if you're not, and, and really this is about spending

[00:09:12] quality time together.

[00:09:13] So it's not just about, I mean, the communication kind of falls in line with something else.

[00:09:17] You're 24 seven, but you can still be strangers.

[00:09:20] And that's the thing.

[00:09:21] That's why this is so important.

[00:09:23] You can be brother and sister.

[00:09:24] Is that this is about spending quality time together.

[00:09:26] This is about turning off your phones.

[00:09:28] This is about, you know, locking the kids in the closet.

[00:09:32] No, not really.

[00:09:33] But putting the, you know, have the, I think the kids heard me from the other room.

[00:09:40] Somebody said, what?

[00:09:42] No, not, I'm just joking.

[00:09:43] It's no, it's, it's about just spending that quality time together where you guys can have

[00:09:50] conversations about, you know, what's going on in your life and have, and, you know, I

[00:09:57] like watching a movie, but it doesn't necessarily, maybe that's a little bit of a cop out.

[00:10:01] It maybe should be.

[00:10:02] I don't think you can.

[00:10:04] Talking and having conversations.

[00:10:05] Jay Shetty was, was talking about just because you guys sit down and watch TV every night,

[00:10:11] you can still be total strangers.

[00:10:14] For sure.

[00:10:14] Because you're not getting to know each other.

[00:10:17] You're just watching stuff.

[00:10:18] It's just an outlet where you guys are sitting there watching.

[00:10:22] You can get, there's no conversations going on.

[00:10:25] It's my one chance to watch a PG 13 movie.

[00:10:29] It's like, I'm just trying, I'm just trying to watch a PG 13 movie, please.

[00:10:34] Right.

[00:10:34] But I get it.

[00:10:35] I'm totally, I'm with Jay Shetty on this.

[00:10:38] That, yeah, we, I would, most of the time I'd rather be sitting down just having a good

[00:10:43] conversation together and talking about our week and talking about things that we're trying

[00:10:48] to do and get deep into some of the things that we can't do during the day when the kids

[00:10:52] are running around and we're doing this and leaving and picking things up and cleaning

[00:10:57] the house.

[00:10:57] We can't do that.

[00:10:58] Right.

[00:10:59] It's harder to do that stuff.

[00:11:00] 100%.

[00:11:01] When you're running around all over the place.

[00:11:03] Right.

[00:11:04] And if you don't have a nanny or you don't have that community where you can lean into

[00:11:09] the tactical things that you can do, I mean, potentially if there's a program that you trust,

[00:11:17] um, you can let the kids watch something.

[00:11:21] Um, we like to set up some activities when we have to do work or if, um, or if we want

[00:11:31] to spend some time together and it's easy when the kids are, when they're newborns and

[00:11:37] they're even close together.

[00:11:39] I feel that there was that nap time that was really golden and we're growing out of that

[00:11:46] era.

[00:11:47] But the nap time is really a wonderful time to make things happen.

[00:11:53] Guys set, put a couple candles up, turn the lights down.

[00:11:58] Even if it's a day, just set up a little bit of an atmosphere.

[00:12:02] Don't make your wife do it.

[00:12:03] Just surprise her.

[00:12:05] There's always, and it doesn't have to be cause we all know that candles are quite toxic

[00:12:11] and we'll talk about that when I have a whole bunch of stuff lined up for when we have

[00:12:16] the guests, but our producers are really focusing on us, but you can get some really great

[00:12:22] flameless candles, set it up.

[00:12:25] They look real, but it still gives you that, um, that, that.

[00:12:29] Romantic feeling.

[00:12:31] That.

[00:12:31] Yes.

[00:12:32] That it just changes the atmosphere and then you can light, um, light, not light, light,

[00:12:39] but those diffusers.

[00:12:41] We have a lot of healing, um, uh, oils that we like.

[00:12:47] Well, lavender is actually really not.

[00:12:49] I don't, I don't know if I've ever told you this, but it's really not good for children.

[00:12:55] Like I know it's supposed to relax you, but it's not very good for the hormones and we

[00:13:01] can get into that when we have an expert, I can go on and on about it, but it's not that

[00:13:07] great.

[00:13:07] But I, for my healing process, I love frankincense.

[00:13:13] I love it.

[00:13:14] It's in the Bible.

[00:13:15] So it's a, it's a really healing for me.

[00:13:18] I love that.

[00:13:20] I love that scent.

[00:13:21] Like whatever your fit, you may hit like sandal or whatever it is, whatever it is, put it in

[00:13:27] the diffuser, let it go up, make it, make it a little bit healing.

[00:13:32] Um, change the atmosphere.

[00:13:34] Does she like flowers?

[00:13:35] Get her some flowers and guys, you have to do this.

[00:13:39] You have to do this because if you don't do it, you'll be so mad at yourself because your

[00:13:45] daughter is going to marry.

[00:13:48] And these are facts.

[00:13:49] They're going to marry exactly who you are.

[00:13:51] So if you're not putting in enough work, take accountability.

[00:13:55] Are you putting in enough work?

[00:13:58] Are you remembering the little things?

[00:14:00] Yeah.

[00:14:01] I mean, you don't want your daughter to end up with someone that doesn't place her first

[00:14:06] place.

[00:14:06] That would, that would, that would really hurt.

[00:14:09] Yeah.

[00:14:09] When your daughter sees you doing this stuff, then she knows what to expect as a, as a wife

[00:14:17] when she grows up, she'll, she won't expect any less.

[00:14:20] Yeah.

[00:14:20] And she'll hold her dates to a higher standard.

[00:14:24] And, and so guys, we got to step up.

[00:14:26] We got to step up a hundred percent.

[00:14:28] Step up our game, including myself.

[00:14:29] I have to step up my game regularly.

[00:14:32] I, I, you know, we can get in conditioned into these, um, patterns where you, you know,

[00:14:39] everybody's just checking in and everybody's, you know, forgets to do the important things.

[00:14:45] And, uh, you know, I have to get better at that too.

[00:14:47] I want to, I want to always make sure that I'm putting this stuff first place.

[00:14:52] And we do spend a lot of time together because we're at home together every day and we talk

[00:14:57] about our businesses and stuff, but there's times when you just kind of want to put the

[00:15:01] businesses aside and just talk about what's going on in our lives and our dreams.

[00:15:06] And what do you want to, you know, what, what do you want to do for the next 10 years?

[00:15:11] Just dream about the next 10 years and, uh, goals that we might want to chase.

[00:15:16] And that's important.

[00:15:17] I mean, I'm not, I mean,

[00:15:17] what do you think?

[00:15:18] I don't hustle.

[00:15:19] What do you like to do?

[00:15:20] What do you want to talk about more?

[00:15:22] Me?

[00:15:22] I definitely want to talk about, um, just for me, what's really important.

[00:15:29] And I miss this.

[00:15:30] I could cry because my mom was so awesome at it.

[00:15:34] We worked really, really, really hard in the store.

[00:15:37] And I know that there are some single mamas out there and single dads that are just trying

[00:15:42] to, trying to do it right this time.

[00:15:44] And my mom, I don't know, she just didn't, she didn't want to do it again.

[00:15:50] She dedicated her life to us and we were everything to her.

[00:15:55] And I mean, I don't, I can't say that that's healthy, but she said it was healing for her.

[00:16:02] That was the best memories of her life was having the children.

[00:16:07] So for me, she would always buy flowers.

[00:16:11] She would always make a very, she would do the things that a dad had to do.

[00:16:17] And she would do that for me.

[00:16:19] But the most important thing for me was going back.

[00:16:24] We would work very, very hard, but we would also every Monday when we would go in to buy

[00:16:32] inventory and stock, we'd drive about an hour.

[00:16:36] So we'd have a great solid conversation.

[00:16:39] Then we would go get the stock inventory.

[00:16:43] And then we would discuss business.

[00:16:46] Then we would go shopping.

[00:16:47] Then we would have dinner and then we would come home and have a conversation.

[00:16:51] I think that that is one of the reasons why my mom and I were unseparable.

[00:17:00] We were the best of friends.

[00:17:01] We had our business together, best of friends, but I was so scared of her too.

[00:17:06] Let's not, let's not get it wrong.

[00:17:09] There was discipline there.

[00:17:10] So I was really afraid of her.

[00:17:13] I wouldn't want to one disappoint her because she's sacrificed everything for me.

[00:17:18] And she came to this country and not even that, but we were talking about it the other day.

[00:17:24] She was told to have, um, to, to terminate the pregnancy.

[00:17:31] I don't want to say the word.

[00:17:32] I know there's little ones listening, but she was told to terminate the pregnancy because

[00:17:36] for sure, if she were to go through with it, she was going to pass.

[00:17:42] That's what the doctors told her, but she believed so deeply that that wasn't going to happen.

[00:17:49] And she put all the trust in God.

[00:17:50] And that's a scary, when I really think about it, that's a scary thing because she had other

[00:17:56] children that the, I mean, that would be a hard decision, but for her, she said it was

[00:18:01] a no brainer.

[00:18:01] And she said, said, God said it was going to be a girl.

[00:18:05] And she always wanted a girl.

[00:18:06] And she always wanted a girl.

[00:18:07] So for me, I want to do those things with my family.

[00:18:12] I wish that, and I still remember when my dad was included and those were great memories.

[00:18:19] And then when he wasn't, we had the best memories with just us.

[00:18:23] For me, it is so important to take those little ones.

[00:18:28] And I mean, I love spending time with all of us.

[00:18:32] And those are the things that she remembered when she could no longer be as, what is it?

[00:18:43] Flexible.

[00:18:44] She wasn't walking as well.

[00:18:45] When you get older, things happen and you, your body starts to really struggle with stuff.

[00:18:50] And I just remember the one thing she's, we're going, we're going to Hungary this summer.

[00:18:56] Me and you and Dan and Daniel and destiny.

[00:19:01] And it was just that dream.

[00:19:03] I don't know if she thought she could or couldn't do it, but she said, I'm just going to get a

[00:19:07] little bit better.

[00:19:08] And we're going, we're going so we could do the things that we did when you were little

[00:19:12] several times.

[00:19:13] She took us to Europe all the time.

[00:19:15] Every year we went on a vacation.

[00:19:17] We worked our buns off all year.

[00:19:20] We did these weekly.

[00:19:23] Obviously you have to buy the inventory and stuff, but just that is what I, for me, I'm dreaming

[00:19:30] about that all the time.

[00:19:31] I cannot wait to go with the kids and make these beautiful memories.

[00:19:37] My kids remember, our kids remember the little things that we've done all the time.

[00:19:43] And you're not, and you're not wrong, but, but what, what do you want to do?

[00:19:50] Because see, this is exactly what I'm talking about.

[00:19:52] This is what happens to every couple.

[00:19:55] And, and I get it is that, but the whole point of the discussion, what the whole podcast

[00:20:00] is about is spending time together as a couple without the kids, without the mother-in-law,

[00:20:08] without the, you know, as a couple prioritizing time together without your phones, without

[00:20:15] distractions to keep your marriage strong.

[00:20:19] And I know sometimes we don't feel like we need to do it.

[00:20:22] And so we don't do it all the time.

[00:20:25] And we got to get better at that.

[00:20:27] Um, even because even if we feel like we have a strong marriage, these are things that

[00:20:35] you have to do to create a stronger marriage and a better bond and a, and more conversation

[00:20:41] between it, between us.

[00:20:43] And we should be talking less about the business more.

[00:20:45] Yeah.

[00:20:46] And talking more about us.

[00:20:47] I just feel sometimes when you're in that struggle of, I know a lot of people are going

[00:20:53] through stuff.

[00:20:54] Some people can't even afford to go to a doctor or get their teeth done or whatever it is.

[00:20:59] They're dealing with so many challenges and they're trying to figure out how to make that

[00:21:06] bread and butter because otherwise they, a lot of people right now, they can't even come

[00:21:11] up with rent for, or, or mortgage.

[00:21:14] And they're just dealing with so much and they're just trying to find a way to even make it to the

[00:21:22] next paycheck.

[00:21:23] This isn't everybody.

[00:21:24] But sometimes those conversations, sitting down together, having those conversations are

[00:21:29] even better than at least not dealing with that by yourself.

[00:21:34] Yeah.

[00:21:35] That's very important.

[00:21:35] You know, if they're having those conversations together, then they can deal with those problems

[00:21:39] and issues together.

[00:21:40] Yeah.

[00:21:40] That's important.

[00:21:41] That's important.

[00:21:42] I guess that a lot of people get lost in that, or maybe even they get lost in scrolling

[00:21:48] or, or talking to friends.

[00:21:51] A lot of people don't even want to talk to their significant other about what's going on because

[00:21:57] they don't want to create panic or anxiety so that they'll be going out with their friends

[00:22:04] or talking on the phone or getting distracted by social media or movies or whatever it is.

[00:22:11] So I think that that's a really good point that you brought up is just face, face the monster.

[00:22:19] And that's why it's got to be intentional.

[00:22:21] And talk about it together, put the kids on some kind of puzzles.

[00:22:24] We just, what were we, we were doing some stuff for the podcast and we got this great, big Melissa

[00:22:33] and Doug sticker book and they loved it.

[00:22:36] They loved it.

[00:22:36] They love those kinds of things where they can be creative and they're just playing amongst each

[00:22:41] other and we can work stuff out.

[00:22:44] Oh, I found this new.

[00:22:45] We have the conversation.

[00:22:47] Our kids love these mazes, you know, the mazes that, uh, on paper.

[00:22:54] And I, I found this website called maze generator.net and you can literally make a maze as hard

[00:23:01] as you want.

[00:23:01] You can make it super hard or really easy for younger, younger kids and maze generator.net

[00:23:09] and it's free.

[00:23:09] You just make a, make a maze and then print it out and, you know, print like three or four

[00:23:15] of them out for, for, for them.

[00:23:17] Hey, hey, hey.

[00:23:18] And they go, Hey, we're in the middle of a podcast.

[00:23:21] I just wanted it.

[00:23:22] They can, they can, they can work on this maze the whole time while you're, while you're

[00:23:27] working or talking or, or whatever you're doing.

[00:23:30] Yeah.

[00:23:31] We try to, we try to get them on those types of things.

[00:23:34] And that always works.

[00:23:35] But the maze generator.net, check it out.

[00:23:37] You can make this, this maze as hard as you want or as easy as you want.

[00:23:41] And the kids will love it.

[00:23:42] They absolutely love it.

[00:23:42] I'll, I'll print them out like 10 mazes and they'll want to do one right after the other.

[00:23:46] Yeah.

[00:23:47] It's fine.

[00:23:48] It's fine.

[00:23:48] So yeah, just, I mean, the idea that this is important that, uh, to keep your marriage

[00:23:54] strong, especially if you're going through some hard times, you know, I think, uh, we

[00:23:57] watch a lot of, uh, different marriage counseling videos and different things.

[00:24:01] And, and I see over and over the, the breakdown in communication becomes the number one problem

[00:24:09] while, why these couples start to separate.

[00:24:14] I was watching a video yesterday of this girl talking about her divorce and how her husband

[00:24:23] cheated on her.

[00:24:24] And it started, it all started with, she was working days and he was working nights or maybe

[00:24:31] it was opposite.

[00:24:32] And they weren't seeing each other very much.

[00:24:34] And then when they would finally see each other, he was out golfing and she was out

[00:24:39] with her friends and what did they think was going to happen at that point?

[00:24:43] They didn't even have kids yet.

[00:24:45] They didn't even know having a real, what real issues were like.

[00:24:50] They, they, they were, they should have been in the best time of their lives.

[00:24:54] Yeah.

[00:24:55] And they were basically just grown apart.

[00:24:58] And after three years, they got divorced.

[00:25:00] Yeah.

[00:25:01] That's sad.

[00:25:01] And it's, it's hard because until you really understand what it's like to live in a faith

[00:25:08] a based marriage, you understand what marriage is really, really about.

[00:25:14] And I feel like, um, I feel I, I was probably in that position where when it got hard, I felt

[00:25:24] like there was something I'm talking about a previous relationship.

[00:25:29] I, I've only had, you know, two.

[00:25:32] So in a previous, and I'm sure you can relate to this, but when it got hard or we grew apart,

[00:25:41] I really felt like something was wrong.

[00:25:44] And so did he.

[00:25:46] And I feel that that's the problem is if you have the wrong people around you and oh yeah,

[00:25:55] yeah, yeah, no, no.

[00:25:56] And they just give you the wrong advice and they push you in the wrong.

[00:26:00] It is so dangerous of who you surround yourself with because marriage is not easy.

[00:26:07] It's not always fun.

[00:26:09] It's not, so you're going to keep going to the next and the next and the next and the next

[00:26:15] relationship.

[00:26:16] They're, none of them are going to work out if you don't understand what marriage is truly

[00:26:22] about.

[00:26:23] And that's any really, that's a work relationship.

[00:26:26] That's a friendship.

[00:26:27] It's not always going to be smooth sailing.

[00:26:33] So it's unfortunate that that couple, I think that they just really followed their heart.

[00:26:39] And what made them feel good.

[00:26:42] And maybe, you know, it was colleagues that, I mean, in the film industry, I worked in the

[00:26:48] film industry and I'm telling you people would, I don't want to get into it, but things would

[00:26:55] happen and you see things and you're, oh, it's so scary.

[00:26:59] I hope my marriage is never like that because people get, a lot of affairs happen with the

[00:27:08] main characters of the show.

[00:27:12] They end up falling for each other.

[00:27:15] Yeah.

[00:27:15] But then they don't last because it was just that spark in the beginning.

[00:27:20] And they're like, I don't have this spark with my spouse at home.

[00:27:25] I have this spark with this person.

[00:27:28] And, and the same thing happens.

[00:27:31] That spark happens again and again and again.

[00:27:34] God first place in your marriage.

[00:27:35] God first place.

[00:27:35] 100%.

[00:27:36] Because if you already know, you have to have already answered that question in yourself.

[00:27:40] You know, yeah, you're going to, you might see other people and find them attractive or

[00:27:45] you might see other people and find that they have a great attitude when you've just been

[00:27:50] dealing with, um, you know, you know, maybe some strife in your marriage.

[00:27:54] Maybe there's, yeah, money problems.

[00:27:55] Problems.

[00:27:56] Strife.

[00:27:56] Strife.

[00:27:56] Grumpy.

[00:27:58] The, the, the outcome.

[00:28:00] Like if you already know the outcome that there's zero chance that anything like that's

[00:28:05] going to happen, then you, there's no guesswork.

[00:28:09] There's no, there's no, there's not even the thought even doesn't even need to go that

[00:28:13] direction because you already know what the outcome is going to be.

[00:28:17] And if you just keep, and, and listen, marriage isn't easy.

[00:28:22] It's not easy.

[00:28:23] Marriage is not going to be easy.

[00:28:23] It's so disciplined because those people that you meet on a daily basis and they're so sweet

[00:28:30] and nice.

[00:28:31] And, and even, even there's the other, you know, corn addiction, popcorn addiction.

[00:28:37] It's just, it's easier to just pick up your phone and do things with your phone rather

[00:28:44] than talk to the, cause you're, you may not, you may be butting heads, but rather than sitting

[00:28:51] down and really truly investigating what is pulling you guys apart or whatever sliver

[00:28:57] is, is happening in your marriage at the moment, rather than investigating that those types

[00:29:04] of things going out and hanging around people that make you feel good or popcorn addiction.

[00:29:09] That's going to just separate you guys in a really bad and dark way.

[00:29:15] You have to, have to.

[00:29:19] I can hear like all kinds of banging.

[00:29:21] I don't know what they're doing, but, but yeah, you just have to, you have to push through

[00:29:25] it.

[00:29:26] You have, it may be uncomfortable.

[00:29:28] It may not be jolly times at that moment, but you have to work through it.

[00:29:33] You have to work through it.

[00:29:35] If you want this to be a forever thing, which I, I mean, you guys loved each other to say,

[00:29:41] yes, it should be a forever thing.

[00:29:44] You got to work on that.

[00:29:45] And that takes discipline.

[00:29:46] That takes hard work and it takes commitment.

[00:29:49] It is a covenant between God has to come first.

[00:29:54] And this is hard because you have to love, you have to love like he loves us and you have

[00:30:03] to love your spouse like that.

[00:30:04] And if you don't, how do you expect?

[00:30:07] Because the way that you live your marriage is how you're going to get into heaven.

[00:30:12] And if you're not loving the person that you're with this, that same way, it's that's, that's

[00:30:21] the whole journey.

[00:30:22] That's the journey that you're living together to do this marriage in a way that's going

[00:30:28] to get you into the, to the, into heaven, into the gates.

[00:30:32] And I think that if, um, you know, one of the best ways that you guys can spend time together

[00:30:38] is just sitting down and we'll sit down and we'll watch a, a church session or something

[00:30:42] together.

[00:30:43] But, um, you know, just breaking out the scriptures and, and going over scripture together and having

[00:30:49] this conversation together about stories in the Bible and having prayer together.

[00:30:54] And we always pray together, which is, I think, you know, one of the things that keep a marriage

[00:30:59] strong is continuing to pray together constantly because it will always bring you back on track

[00:31:08] when you, when you're standing there and it gives you an opportunity that even I find that

[00:31:13] sometimes when we're in a little bit of a disagreement that it, that when we're in prayer and it gives

[00:31:19] me an opportunity to pray over you and kind of in some way where I may not be the best at

[00:31:26] apologizing, I can kind of do it through prayer.

[00:31:29] I could do it through prayer.

[00:31:31] I don't know why.

[00:31:32] I just, it just feels easier in prayer.

[00:31:35] For me, I get to know.

[00:31:35] It feels easier in prayer.

[00:31:36] For me, I understand because I know you and I know that it's really hard thing and triggering

[00:31:42] thing for you.

[00:31:43] So for me, I think I've prepared myself, but I remember like for my son, it's not as, cause

[00:31:53] you're like, okay, sorry.

[00:31:54] And then it's done.

[00:31:56] But for me with Daniel, if I've somehow hurt his feelings or hurt his heart or have done

[00:32:04] so, I really like to investigate it and go deep.

[00:32:08] And I like to talk about it and we do this together.

[00:32:11] So he gets so, so he's got such a beautiful heart and destiny too.

[00:32:19] Destiny can get more, uh, I guess more angry, emotional, emotional and angry.

[00:32:30] Um, where she could turn it to anger, but Daniel turned like it hurts his heart.

[00:32:35] But I love when they express that their heart hurts and it's like, maybe I need to do that

[00:32:42] more.

[00:32:42] Maybe you need to do that more.

[00:32:44] Maybe we all need to do that more and just really just say it and, um, and, and push through

[00:32:50] that apology thing.

[00:32:53] It doesn't mean that you're a bad person.

[00:32:55] It just, what's great to see is when you apologize, you really look someone in the eyes

[00:33:01] and you take that time, just a commitment of I'm going to do better.

[00:33:06] I'm going to do better.

[00:33:06] I'm so sorry that I hurt your heart and I'm going to do better.

[00:33:11] And let's, let's try to, let's try to work on this together.

[00:33:15] What, um, these are questions that I ask my son and I, I think you and I need to do

[00:33:20] that a little more deeply.

[00:33:23] Of course you do.

[00:33:25] I don't know.

[00:33:27] What are you talking about?

[00:33:28] Oh, we're, we're great at that.

[00:33:31] No, we're not.

[00:33:32] But I, listen, I don't, I don't, I, I, we're learning every day.

[00:33:37] We're learning every day.

[00:33:41] I really don't have a problem with it because I feel like when I make a, um, it's a lesson.

[00:33:49] Let's not even call it a mistake.

[00:33:51] It's a lesson, but don't, don't do it again.

[00:33:54] That you have to learn from the miss, the lesson, my lesson.

[00:34:00] So one of the great things you guys can do is, is just scheduling that day or night that

[00:34:07] you're going to spend time together.

[00:34:08] Even if it's just a couple hours, put a couple hours aside.

[00:34:11] And if you have date night, you have to commit every single week and do it the same time.

[00:34:19] Nothing comes in the, basically nothing comes in the way of your husband or your wife.

[00:34:28] No, that's just so important for them to know, especially on this day, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,

[00:34:34] whatever day you choose at this time, nothing will get in the way.

[00:34:39] I think when you really make it a priority for, I think it means maybe more for, well, that's not true.

[00:34:47] I do have a lot of husbands say that it's important to them.

[00:34:51] Very, very important to them.

[00:34:52] But, um, just to know that this is your time, this is your time to build that relationship,

[00:35:00] to build your marriage.

[00:35:01] You have to block that out.

[00:35:03] And it's good for your kids to see that.

[00:35:06] Yes.

[00:35:06] It's healthy for your kids to see it.

[00:35:08] Uh-huh.

[00:35:08] Because when they see you guys spending time together, they know that you've prioritized

[00:35:12] that and they see that it's important.

[00:35:14] And we don't, the reason I say we don't do it like some people do, we don't have babysitters

[00:35:20] for our kids.

[00:35:21] So our kids, when we do it, we do it at home.

[00:35:25] And, uh, and when we, if we're out and about, sometimes we'll do it like we'll have a coffee,

[00:35:29] we're having a coffee together while the kids are playing and we're having a good conversation.

[00:35:33] We're lucky because we have two.

[00:35:34] So that's why I say we don't do it.

[00:35:36] We're so lucky.

[00:35:37] For you, for you people out there who just have decided not to have babysitters and you

[00:35:43] have your kids with you all the time.

[00:35:44] It's controversial, but there are a lot of people that understand why you make the decision

[00:35:50] to not have babysitters.

[00:35:53] I mean, I've, we've all seen things happen and maybe when you haven't seen things happen,

[00:35:58] you, I just, for me, it is so important to guard my children's innocence.

[00:36:05] It is so important to guard their lifestyle.

[00:36:08] It is so important to guard so many things.

[00:36:11] And I only want the right people around them.

[00:36:15] And my husband too, we're so, so uber fussy on who they surround themselves with.

[00:36:22] And it's, they pick up habits.

[00:36:25] They pick up, uh, language.

[00:36:27] They, it's just, you have to be so, so careful.

[00:36:30] And if you don't have family around, um, that you can trust and that are going to carry through

[00:36:38] the same things that you believe in, then, you know, it's just keep them with you.

[00:36:45] Yeah.

[00:36:46] So that's why ours is a little bit different.

[00:36:48] And I understand if you have that same situation that, Hey, we're not knocking you.

[00:36:52] We're just saying that, look, we need to figure out how to carve out intentional time together.

[00:36:58] It's a season.

[00:36:59] The kids are going to grow up and they're going to be able to look after themselves.

[00:37:04] It's not, it's not forever.

[00:37:06] It's a season.

[00:37:07] And it's also a season where it is so important for them to learn, um, from the right types of people.

[00:37:24] And, uh, we hope you are listening to our 10 part series on how to do the best.

[00:37:47] Oh, you know what?

[00:37:49] I forgot.

[00:37:50] I just wanted to add because real quick, when we, when we go on vacation and stuff, there's a lot of different hotels that we go to that have someone.

[00:38:02] We never leave our kids with nannies and stuff like that, but they do have, you know, like outside play outside play with like kids.

[00:38:12] And then they do have nannies and kids clubs where the nanny can come with you for coffee or dinner.

[00:38:20] And they, they entertain, well, not entertain, but they, they, they have your kids maybe at a different table and you get to, you get to vet them or at the same table while you guys have conversations.

[00:38:35] They have conversations.

[00:38:36] We don't do a different table, but we've talked to other couples that do do the other table.

[00:38:41] Um, just cause our kids are so, so young, but, um, yeah, there's those types of options.

[00:38:48] So don't think, Oh, we can't travel because there are, there is some assistance, especially from these great resorts and, and, and, um, hotels out there.

[00:38:58] Bring a family member with you or a friend with, you know, babysitter with you.

[00:39:01] We just, we just like to keep people with an earshot and eyesight, uh, of us and, and just to make sure that, you know, we're watching over our kids.

[00:39:10] Um, but get someone you trust.

[00:39:13] Love you guys.

[00:39:14] Our 10 part series of divorce proofing your marriage.

[00:39:18] I hope you guys are listening and, uh, continue to listen.

[00:39:21] This is episode three.

[00:39:23] We'll see you next week for the next one.

[00:39:25] We love you so much.

[00:39:27] God bless you guys.

[00:39:28] And have a great week.

[00:39:29] Have a great week.

[00:39:31] Thank you for listening to the pretty and punk podcast.

[00:39:34] Make sure to like, and subscribe.

[00:39:37] Meet with us next week on the pretty and punk podcast.

[00:39:41] God bless.

[00:39:42] Love you.

[00:39:42] Thank you for listening to this pretty punk podcast.

[00:39:47] We hope you subscribed.

[00:39:49] We hope you got something on the podcast today.

[00:39:53] And we hope to see you next week.

[00:39:55] God bless.