Love Speaks Louder: Turning Family Complaints into Conversations of Connection

[00:00:00] There will never be a lack of things to complain about in a marriage.

[00:00:04] And so now I'm going to ask the question and I'm probably going to step on a landmine

[00:00:08] hearing and be trying to navigate through this lava field.

[00:00:11] Why do women complain more than men?

[00:00:17] Because men don't listen.

[00:00:19] This is a state of...

[00:00:21] Uh, no.

[00:00:27] Oh, that's better right, babe?

[00:00:31] Yeah!

[00:00:32] Yeah.

[00:00:36] She founded an architectural concrete company.

[00:00:39] He founded a hundred million dollar clothing company.

[00:00:42] She took the world by storm as a social media star.

[00:00:45] He took the world by storm as a famous serial entrepreneur.

[00:00:49] Together we started a business.

[00:00:50] And had babies.

[00:00:51] Now we're figuring out the best ways to do both.

[00:00:54] Join us as we learn from other entrepreneurs going through the same life struggle.

[00:00:59] As they share their life hacks about success, love, kids and everything in between.

[00:01:05] Complaining is draining.

[00:01:07] Complaining only takes away energy from today.

[00:01:11] And never solves the problems of tomorrow.

[00:01:15] World by James, all champions never complain.

[00:01:19] They are too busy getting better clothes.

[00:01:24] Don't worry.

[00:01:27] Welcome to the Pritimpunk podcast.

[00:01:29] I'm one of your hosts Dan Caldwell and I'm here with my beautiful wife.

[00:01:34] You look so fancy.

[00:01:36] And we've got a great podcast for you guys today or at least a great subject I guess.

[00:01:43] This is something that kind of helps in all aspects of life.

[00:01:47] But first let's cover a couple things.

[00:01:50] One, we are back on the top five of Apple Podcasts under parenting right now.

[00:01:56] Yeah, we're in between 10 and 5 usually but we're back at number 5.

[00:02:01] Yeah, a couple of thumbs before the dessert.

[00:02:03] That's because you guys.

[00:02:04] That's because of you guys.

[00:02:05] But it was so, yeah, we really, really appreciate you guys and your comments and your

[00:02:13] reviews.

[00:02:14] I just love this community.

[00:02:15] I'm not sure what lets you be at top five, but whatever that algorithm is, I know you guys

[00:02:21] have something to do with it.

[00:02:22] Absolutely.

[00:02:23] It's the shares.

[00:02:24] I'm just guessing, but you guys are so amazing.

[00:02:27] Thank you for the DMs.

[00:02:28] Thank you for the love.

[00:02:30] Thank you for listening.

[00:02:31] Thank you for sharing.

[00:02:32] Thank you for it all.

[00:02:33] We appreciate it.

[00:02:35] And the only thing we ask from you guys, your homework for today and every time you listen

[00:02:41] is just keep sharing it.

[00:02:43] If this resonates with you or you feel that it can help a friend, just share it.

[00:02:49] I agree.

[00:02:50] And our son Daniel speaking at the end of the month, that's pretty exciting.

[00:02:54] Yeah, that's amazing.

[00:02:55] How are you feeling too by the way because your ear was hurting earlier?

[00:02:59] My ear hurts but because I have these on my ear, it feels good.

[00:03:03] Your head set.

[00:03:04] Destiny stuck her little finger.

[00:03:07] Just I was sleeping and I could, I don't know.

[00:03:11] Just stuck her finger right in my ear and stabbed my ear.

[00:03:14] That's why you're hurting?

[00:03:15] Yes.

[00:03:16] Oh, really I thought you had like ear infection.

[00:03:19] No, that's what I will come.

[00:03:21] Oh my gosh.

[00:03:22] Little baby finger jamming her finger right.

[00:03:25] Would you call that a noodle or something?

[00:03:27] Do you stick a wet willy inside your ear?

[00:03:30] It's a wet willy.

[00:03:31] Oh my gosh, it hurts so much.

[00:03:32] You should give you a wet willy in the middle of the night?

[00:03:34] I don't know.

[00:03:35] Oh my gosh, I hurt.

[00:03:36] I don't know what you want to call.

[00:03:37] But it hurt.

[00:03:39] I've had, I've seen moms with red eyes because their babies

[00:03:44] poke them in the eyes.

[00:03:46] I've heard about the fingers up the nose just that sudden jab.

[00:03:50] I got it and I got it in the ear.

[00:03:53] Well anyway.

[00:03:54] Look at him.

[00:03:55] Look at him.

[00:03:56] Look at him.

[00:03:57] I woke up in the middle of the night and she was trying to pick

[00:03:59] sleep out of my eye.

[00:04:01] Oh yeah, she loves to do that too.

[00:04:05] When you wake up in the morning, she's

[00:04:07] doing it.

[00:04:08] She's doing it.

[00:04:09] She's doing it.

[00:04:10] She's doing her fingers right in your eye.

[00:04:11] And she's like three years of it.

[00:04:13] It's okay.

[00:04:14] No, she still does that.

[00:04:15] Oh my gosh.

[00:04:16] It's okay.

[00:04:17] Don't blink.

[00:04:18] Oh my gosh.

[00:04:19] She's just a dusting.

[00:04:20] No.

[00:04:21] So speaking of that, today's podcast is something important.

[00:04:26] I think it's important for marriages, for everything.

[00:04:29] Everything in life.

[00:04:30] For raising your kids, for business, for relationships, for marriage, for everything.

[00:04:36] And that is, don't be a complainer.

[00:04:40] Yeah.

[00:04:41] Don't be a complainer.

[00:04:43] If you want some simple advice to help every aspect of your life as far as relationships

[00:04:50] go, relationships and business and any time you have to conversate with people, don't

[00:04:57] be a complainer.

[00:04:59] It doesn't help anything.

[00:05:00] Well your words and your thoughts have incredible power over your life.

[00:05:05] So everything you say is affecting all your responses.

[00:05:10] All your responses for the day, including your internal responses.

[00:05:13] Right.

[00:05:14] But before we jump into that, hey guys, we hope you're enjoying today's episode of

[00:05:18] The Pretty and Punk Podcast.

[00:05:20] And if you are and you haven't already hit that like, then subscribe button.

[00:05:24] It just takes a second.

[00:05:25] It means so much to us because it really helps the podcast get out there to more listeners

[00:05:29] like you guys.

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[00:05:34] We really appreciate that too.

[00:05:36] We also love and appreciate your reviews.

[00:05:39] Even the babies look forward to them every day.

[00:05:41] If you share this episode on social media today, don't forget to tag us.

[00:05:46] We want to celebrate you because we know it's not easy being a parent in business and

[00:05:51] the way that you juggle things makes you a superhero.

[00:05:54] That's worth a shout out.

[00:05:56] Together we have a community of our personal followers as well.

[00:05:59] And we just want to put it out there.

[00:06:01] We want to show everybody that this juggle is possible and you are our family and we're

[00:06:08] so proud and grateful to have you a part of this family.

[00:06:13] So don't forget all the links are below in the show notes and thank you again and let's

[00:06:20] get back to the show.

[00:06:22] Don't be a complainer.

[00:06:24] And I think we can all be guilty about it where you start to want to complain because something

[00:06:32] is going on but you have to catch yourself.

[00:06:37] And at the same time if you can't define it, you can't defeat it but you have to choose

[00:06:43] your words very carefully and with the responsibility of being a parent that complaining not only

[00:06:51] is it contagious to a spouse or the people you hang out with but it is contagious to your

[00:06:58] children.

[00:06:59] So I find myself really just, I feel if I'm going there, it's very important to, if

[00:07:10] there's a problem what do you do?

[00:07:12] You need to have a solution and that's really what I encourage with my children is to try

[00:07:18] to come up with some kind of solution or how can we get rid of this negative thought because

[00:07:25] the one thing I'm very, my kids are great at this too is if something comes up you got

[00:07:32] to catch your thought because only God can read your thoughts but once you start speaking

[00:07:39] negative things you know who can read he now knows.

[00:07:44] He now knows the enemy.

[00:07:46] He now knows your fears.

[00:07:48] He now knows what bothers you and you better believe he's going to send more of that your

[00:07:53] way.

[00:07:54] Yeah I mean it's got to be a conscious decision.

[00:07:56] Yes.

[00:07:57] And I'm just going off of what going on in my head when those things come up and I think

[00:08:03] that you hit it right on the head that the enemy is the one putting these why didn't

[00:08:08] he do this today?

[00:08:10] Right.

[00:08:11] You should be so mad about that and then he knows when you say that to your spouse or

[00:08:15] when you say that to your kid that you're going to get this negative reaction and then

[00:08:20] your whole day spirals out of control and that's typically what happens.

[00:08:24] That's right.

[00:08:25] You have to just be that have that self awareness so that you are watching your words, watching

[00:08:32] your thoughts and it's your intake too.

[00:08:35] If you have this sense of gratefulness when you look at things that you can internalize

[00:08:44] that and then it's kind of like good in, good out.

[00:08:47] Right.

[00:08:48] I love that and that was one of the tactics is when you feel like complaining, turn it into

[00:08:55] gratitude and pray about it.

[00:08:58] Pray about it because I don't know what this situation is exactly but for example say

[00:09:05] you're feeling left out.

[00:09:07] Say you're getting left out.

[00:09:11] You're not invited to that dinner or there's that group of friends and they've started

[00:09:16] not inviting you.

[00:09:17] Well, you need to trust.

[00:09:20] Look at it in a different way.

[00:09:22] You need to trust.

[00:09:24] Sometimes God will take you away from the table because those aren't your people.

[00:09:31] I've had this in my life.

[00:09:32] I'm sure you've had it and our kids are going to have it.

[00:09:35] So rather than complain about it just look at it a different way.

[00:09:40] There's a possibility that God is clearing out that table with that one house that may

[00:09:49] have been feeding you poison all along and you didn't even know it.

[00:09:54] Then boom suddenly you're in a different situation with people that are lifting you up, that

[00:10:00] are praising you, that are helping you just a divine circumstance that is just different.

[00:10:07] That's just one example.

[00:10:08] But there's so many different things that we could be complaining about.

[00:10:12] Maybe it's our job but then you have to have this trust where perhaps you're going to

[00:10:19] open the door to something bigger.

[00:10:22] Trust that God is going to open doors, yes?

[00:10:29] But then He's also going to close doors to protect you.

[00:10:34] So rather than complaining about it, it's a blessing.

[00:10:39] I know I'm going in a different direction but this is the way that my mind thinks when

[00:10:47] something because I've had a lot of crazy things happen in my life and it's not until after

[00:10:54] the situation sometimes it takes a year, sometimes weeks, sometimes months and then you

[00:11:00] look at that same situation that you wanted to complain about and it turned out to be

[00:11:06] the best thing that could have happened for you.

[00:11:08] Well one thing I was going to say is there will never be a lack of things to complain

[00:11:13] about in a marriage.

[00:11:15] Now I'm going to ask the question and I'm probably going to step on a landmine here

[00:11:18] and be trying to navigate through this lava field.

[00:11:23] Why do women complain more than men?

[00:11:30] I don't know, I just went that just game.

[00:11:37] I don't even think about it.

[00:11:39] Because I would say this is a sense of tension for us sometimes.

[00:11:44] There's something that I could say that we have a spat about.

[00:11:49] Let's say I'll use the word spat because it's usually pretty quick but the problem I

[00:11:53] have is whenever anybody and this is when I'm running a company too, so this is across

[00:12:00] the board.

[00:12:01] If anybody comes to me with a complaint, they better come to me with a solution.

[00:12:04] I don't want to hear that just the complaint.

[00:12:06] Don't come to me and go look why are you doing this is not working and why would you do

[00:12:12] this?

[00:12:13] It's like give me what you want me to do then tell me where's the post I'm supposed to

[00:12:17] be doing.

[00:12:18] I know I'm supposed to read your mind.

[00:12:22] So I found this study women make 85% of complaints in a relationship while men are

[00:12:30] complained about 15% of the time.

[00:12:33] They internalize, men internalize most of the problems that they have and men also receive

[00:12:40] complaints a lot harder than women do.

[00:12:43] Is that weird?

[00:12:44] Do you find that?

[00:12:45] The way men take a complaint when a woman is complaining to them or their spouse is

[00:12:53] complaining to them, they take it as a sense of disrespect.

[00:12:59] Oh, I could see that happening.

[00:13:02] So when a man hears a complaint, he hears a sense of disrespect.

[00:13:07] I could see that happening but that's not it.

[00:13:09] But isn't that just about delivery?

[00:13:11] That's delivery.

[00:13:12] I wouldn't say that every time because sometimes I don't always take it that way.

[00:13:18] If you make a complaint to me about something I did, I take it like well now sometimes

[00:13:23] I do.

[00:13:24] Sometimes I'm like, I think sometimes you get sensitive.

[00:13:27] I'm not my best.

[00:13:28] I'm absolutely trying here.

[00:13:30] I have gone out of my way to do this the best I can and I'm trying to do it exactly the

[00:13:35] way you want it.

[00:13:36] And now you're telling me, this isn't good enough?

[00:13:39] Are you kidding me?

[00:13:41] Are you kidding me?

[00:13:42] I'm done.

[00:13:43] I'm done.

[00:13:44] Tell me, give me the solution then.

[00:13:46] Tell me what I need to do.

[00:13:47] I think that might even just be a spark for conversation.

[00:13:51] I mean, I don't.

[00:13:53] Conversation.

[00:13:54] Yeah.

[00:13:55] No, you're, no.

[00:13:57] Women 85%.

[00:13:59] That's not even close.

[00:14:00] That's not even like I don't know if that's true.

[00:14:03] I mean, maybe, maybe.

[00:14:05] I don't know.

[00:14:06] It depends.

[00:14:07] It depends.

[00:14:08] But it depends.

[00:14:09] I mean, everybody's household is different.

[00:14:11] So it depends.

[00:14:12] I mean, this is a national study.

[00:14:15] When the wife is calling for help like that and it, I mean, listen, I think that

[00:14:25] women, and this is a problem that I hear about a lot.

[00:14:30] They're complaining.

[00:14:31] They're complaining.

[00:14:32] They're complaining about things that are bothering them.

[00:14:35] And they feel that they're not being listened to.

[00:14:38] And then one day they just shut down.

[00:14:40] And then it's over.

[00:14:41] And they're just like, I don't care what you want.

[00:14:43] It's over.

[00:14:44] That's the scary part.

[00:14:46] So I mean, how do you resolve that?

[00:14:49] Well, I think there's both sides.

[00:14:51] I think so.

[00:14:52] Let me tell you what I think of the solutions here.

[00:14:54] And this is just my personal experience.

[00:14:55] So this is, don't take the sets across the board.

[00:14:57] This is my network for you.

[00:14:59] So that they think about it.

[00:15:00] Because as I said, every household is different.

[00:15:03] But I think part of it is one us men are not checking in with our women like we should.

[00:15:11] We're like, there's, it's easy to fix these problems sometimes.

[00:15:16] Yeah.

[00:15:17] If we ask, how do you want me to do this exactly so that you will be happy?

[00:15:23] So that I can put a smile on your face.

[00:15:26] Like I really want to do this right?

[00:15:28] So tell me exactly how you like this.

[00:15:31] So I will do it just like that.

[00:15:32] Well, and I think that's where the communication is.

[00:15:35] I don't know.

[00:15:36] Like for me, I...

[00:15:38] Are you doing okay?

[00:15:39] Do you need help with this today?

[00:15:41] You know, it's like just checking in.

[00:15:42] I mean, what?

[00:15:43] Because you see, what's the complaint?

[00:15:44] What would it give me something?

[00:15:46] I don't do much wrong.

[00:15:47] But let's say if I did something wrong.

[00:15:49] Well, personally, I like it when you check in.

[00:15:54] Right.

[00:15:55] Just like just like, just so I know, if you're going to be late, let me know.

[00:16:01] I don't mean that type of check in though.

[00:16:03] I mean the check in like like, no but that's something that's something that for some reason

[00:16:09] we just are you okay?

[00:16:11] Is there something going on right now that you need help with?

[00:16:13] Well, I don't think that women like it when you say what can you help your team and when

[00:16:18] you were a bachelor, you had to do all these things by yourself.

[00:16:23] So I guess it's even like a trigger.

[00:16:26] I didn't do it today.

[00:16:27] Yesterday, I asked you.

[00:16:28] I said, I said, what can I help you with?

[00:16:30] You were making dinner.

[00:16:31] I said, what can I help you with with the dinner?

[00:16:33] Right.

[00:16:34] And you said, and I said, can I help you with the dinner?

[00:16:37] And because I knew you had a lot going on yesterday and you were trying to deal with this

[00:16:41] and the carpet downstairs yesterday which I helped you with and...

[00:16:45] You know, there's always something right?

[00:16:47] There's always something going on.

[00:16:48] Yeah, of course.

[00:16:49] So I was trying to help you with that and I just asked you, I just checked in.

[00:16:53] You know, what do you need help with right now?

[00:16:55] What can I help you with?

[00:16:57] Take some of this load off.

[00:16:59] And I think that's what we sometimes fail to do as men.

[00:17:03] That like there are times when I'm like, oh it's so much easier to sit back here and

[00:17:09] not ask that question right now because I would rather sit back here and play with the

[00:17:13] kids or...

[00:17:14] And sometimes it's just a point.

[00:17:15] So I was listening to something really interesting the other day, one of my friends were talking

[00:17:21] about this and she was saying that sometimes it's just easier for me to do it myself.

[00:17:28] And I find myself doing that because there's...

[00:17:33] It's just easier to do it quickly yourself rather than showing someone else.

[00:17:39] This is what I need to think.

[00:17:41] Well, I think the problem is we're getting into like a whole another issue or a whole

[00:17:44] another issue or a whole another podcast because the fact that when you start saying, it's

[00:17:51] easier to do it myself.

[00:17:53] I think there's a way...

[00:17:54] Most women...

[00:17:55] I know and that's a big problem because it's a way of telling men that you're not needed

[00:18:00] and that doesn't feel good to them and that doesn't speak well to men because we want

[00:18:08] to be needed.

[00:18:09] That's our biggest thing.

[00:18:10] That's us as men need to be needed and when you say we don't need you and I want it better

[00:18:18] if I do myself, then it's like we're not needed here.

[00:18:22] And we want to be needed.

[00:18:24] And I think it's the way that if someone asks, if our spouse asks us, this is really hard

[00:18:31] for me.

[00:18:32] Can you help me do this?

[00:18:34] Can you do this this way?

[00:18:36] And then have some compassion for us not being able to do it perfectly.

[00:18:44] You don't even put a low expectation on yourself because I think you're very capable

[00:18:50] to do something correctly.

[00:18:52] No, but it's like...

[00:18:53] I was doing the dishes yesterday and you got mad at me because I was splashing on top

[00:19:00] of the counter.

[00:19:02] But I was doing my best.

[00:19:03] I get it, you're doing your best.

[00:19:06] I think that's where it gets hard where it's like, well if I would have done the dishes

[00:19:13] then now I don't have to wash the floor and wash the whole countertop side.

[00:19:17] Do you know what I mean?

[00:19:18] I think that women really have to lean into their men because they get mad if I would

[00:19:26] say okay now do you think you can wipe the floor and wipe off the counter because there's

[00:19:31] like splashes everywhere and it's going to dry up for this.

[00:19:37] Exactly.

[00:19:38] So then we'll argue about not argue but I could just see you're like...

[00:19:43] I'm like...

[00:19:45] Because of demon.

[00:19:46] Because of the demon.

[00:19:47] But you can't let it make you mad.

[00:19:50] I said I would do the dishes I didn't say.

[00:19:52] Now I'm wiping down the counters, now Nixon.

[00:19:54] I know I got the mop out.

[00:19:56] What did I get myself into?

[00:19:59] Okay but here's the thing.

[00:20:00] But I really think that's important.

[00:20:02] I just want to stay on that platform once and...

[00:20:04] And it's important to meet who's really important.

[00:20:07] That I think if women could just have it in their hearts, to need men to help them and

[00:20:13] then ask for men to help them in a compassionate way.

[00:20:18] I do.

[00:20:19] And then give men some leeway to make some mistakes because they are going to make mistakes.

[00:20:25] No.

[00:20:26] But...

[00:20:27] Don't do it.

[00:20:28] Now then what they can do to try to be better.

[00:20:31] If I need help, I'm tired.

[00:20:34] I'm like literally so tired.

[00:20:36] So I just...

[00:20:37] Then be not easy.

[00:20:38] Yeah but then you put yourself in a tailspin.

[00:20:41] The mean dragon if I'm like okay can you just clean up that big mess that you made

[00:20:45] now?

[00:20:46] Okay.

[00:20:47] I could be better at that.

[00:20:48] I could do that.

[00:20:49] Don't be grumpy.

[00:20:50] For sure.

[00:20:51] I could be better at that.

[00:20:52] So I mean that's...

[00:20:53] But I don't want you.

[00:20:54] That's the only thing.

[00:20:55] I'm trying to take everything on.

[00:20:57] Now we're in a whole nother podcast.

[00:20:59] We just started a new podcast.

[00:21:01] But it's like the truth is that if you...

[00:21:05] I don't want you to be in a tailspin because I know when you try to take it on and you

[00:21:09] take on too much, then you're out of control.

[00:21:13] By that time you're grumpy and you're not in good mood and now I'm scared to be around

[00:21:18] you.

[00:21:19] Because I can't want to say the wrong thing.

[00:21:23] Like what does it...

[00:21:24] Hey are we going to put this away and then you like snap...

[00:21:28] I'm going to get to it.

[00:21:30] I already told you.

[00:21:31] And then like I felt like a plate fly by my head or something whatever that was.

[00:21:35] No, I would never do that.

[00:21:38] But I've never...

[00:21:39] You know what I mean.

[00:21:40] I just know that.

[00:21:41] Why take it all on?

[00:21:42] Let me help you.

[00:21:43] Let me help the trigger.

[00:21:44] The trigger.

[00:21:45] Even if I mess it up.

[00:21:47] Let me help you.

[00:21:48] The trigger is like...

[00:21:50] Will you say you'll say something?

[00:21:53] I'm busy doing something and women have these lists.

[00:21:57] Like okay, I'm doing the dishes.

[00:22:00] I got to clean the counter.

[00:22:02] I get whatever the list is but there's seven.

[00:22:06] And then you'll be like...

[00:22:08] You'll say something.

[00:22:09] You'll hint at something.

[00:22:11] Oh, breathe.

[00:22:12] Okay, I just breathe in your direction.

[00:22:14] You'll hint at something else and I'm just looking forward to being done the list.

[00:22:19] And then I'm like, I'll get to it.

[00:22:23] No, we had food delivered and I said, here you can get the food outside.

[00:22:26] You would have thought I asked you to put a new roof on the house.

[00:22:29] No, but I was just...

[00:22:30] I'm in the list.

[00:22:31] That's why I said, hey, can I help you with anything?

[00:22:34] Because I knew you were on edge because of all the things that were going on and the fact

[00:22:37] that happened downstairs and you were dealing with that and there was just a lot going

[00:22:43] on.

[00:22:45] And then we had a lot of phone calls.

[00:22:47] So between all that and you had a lot going on and I was just trying to help.

[00:22:52] And I knew when I asked that question and you snapped at me a little bit, I was like,

[00:22:56] okay, I'm just gonna let that sit.

[00:22:59] I'm just not even gonna touch that right now.

[00:23:01] I feel like I know the foods outside.

[00:23:06] I was ready to eat tomorrow.

[00:23:08] Just let me finish this stuff and then I'll grab the food.

[00:23:12] Okay.

[00:23:13] I have an order that I'm going in.

[00:23:18] So I got a fix.

[00:23:19] So I think the thing is, let's just get back to the complaining thing because we know

[00:23:24] complaining is not good.

[00:23:26] We know that what you put out there in the world is what you'll get back in the world.

[00:23:31] Exactly.

[00:23:32] Complaining it doesn't fix anything.

[00:23:34] It never fixes anything.

[00:23:36] It never fixes anything.

[00:23:37] Now when have we ever complained that it's fixed anything?

[00:23:40] It always makes things worse.

[00:23:42] Yeah.

[00:23:43] It's quite the more it's fixed.

[00:23:44] It's quite the more it's fixed.

[00:23:45] It's quite the more it's fixed.

[00:23:46] It's quite the more it's fixed.

[00:23:47] Yeah.

[00:23:48] We'll complain in hinders, personal growth.

[00:23:49] It just like come with a solution and then even better than that how to bring up a complaint.

[00:23:52] And this is whether you're a man or a woman.

[00:23:54] So men complain too and we complain and we probably when we complain, we're probably

[00:23:59] worse complainers because the way we can we'll go off and we won't let it sit.

[00:24:06] But when we complain, we complain in a way that probably doesn't produce it.

[00:24:12] It doesn't fix anything.

[00:24:13] It doesn't do anything for us.

[00:24:16] So I came up with a few ways to be able to complain.

[00:24:19] So if you're going to say something or I wouldn't even call it complaining, it's you're trying

[00:24:23] to fix the situation.

[00:24:25] And that starts with number one, start with a compliment.

[00:24:30] This is just Dale Carnegie how to influence and influence people 101.

[00:24:34] Start with a compliment.

[00:24:35] If you know you've got to bring up something and you want to get it, you want things

[00:24:39] to change in a certain way.

[00:24:41] Start with a compliment.

[00:24:42] Love the way or I'm thank you so much for helping out with the kids today.

[00:24:49] Or thank you so much for bringing this home for me today.

[00:24:53] Or thank you so much for making dinner and having it ready when I got home, I'm so

[00:24:59] hungry.

[00:25:00] You know, just some sort of compliment that puts them in the right mood because you're

[00:25:07] about to go, you're about to say something that could potentially lose you a finger.

[00:25:13] And so you got to be careful what you say.

[00:25:16] So the next thing is you're going to state the problem and the problem is whatever that

[00:25:22] thing might be.

[00:25:23] So if it's hey, I saw that you were leaving, you were taking the trash out today but

[00:25:28] you leave the lid open and then it, you know, bugs or whatever again inside or whatever

[00:25:34] that complaint might be, I'm just making something up.

[00:25:38] And when you do and then just lead that with when you do that, do you think you could

[00:25:44] do this?

[00:25:45] Do you think you could put the lid on tight so that that doesn't happen?

[00:25:49] I'm trying to be careful here, okay?

[00:25:53] I feel like it's for us, it's like the hinting thing.

[00:25:58] We're all just straight, straight say it but I don't feel like I'm complaining.

[00:26:03] I just feel like I'm getting whatever is on my chest out and then I just really want

[00:26:10] you to listen to actually, but this is how you complain.

[00:26:15] My complaint is this when I tell you something, can you just look up at me from your phone?

[00:26:21] Can you just like look at me?

[00:26:23] Well I'm talking to that's my complaint.

[00:26:25] Just listen to me.

[00:26:26] I know you said that to me.

[00:26:27] That's my only complaint that I have.

[00:26:30] I am truly and I remember when you used to, when you were doing your consulting and

[00:26:37] I'm like can you just, can you please?

[00:26:40] Just please, like answer your phone or let me know when you're coming home.

[00:26:46] Just let me know because I keep warming up the food, I keep warming it up.

[00:26:51] By the time you get home it's burnt.

[00:26:53] So I feel like that's probably not very healthy for you.

[00:26:57] That is the sign of black on food is a carcinogen which causes cancer.

[00:27:02] And you're right, which isn't good.

[00:27:04] So just let me know, just let me know.

[00:27:05] But I never complained about that.

[00:27:07] I never complained about that.

[00:27:08] No, I'm not.

[00:27:09] I was always grateful to just have the food.

[00:27:11] I know but it would have been, I guess it just, it's frustrating because the kids are

[00:27:15] excited.

[00:27:16] They want to have dinner.

[00:27:18] Is he coming?

[00:27:19] Well he'd usually be coming home and around now.

[00:27:22] Okay well you know what guys, let's just eat because I don't know what's going on.

[00:27:26] They're right about that.

[00:27:27] So let's just eat and then I put them to bed, they want, they stay up a little bit later

[00:27:32] because they're still waiting and it's like are you going to answer your phone or this

[00:27:36] is, this is like so fast.

[00:27:37] You know what I mean with it.

[00:27:38] This is past, this doesn't have the medal but you're right.

[00:27:42] You're right.

[00:27:43] This was a pain point for us and I just want, but then what?

[00:27:48] Cause I lost track of time.

[00:27:49] No but in my head I'm like why is this happening repeatedly?

[00:27:53] Like does he not love me?

[00:27:55] Does he not care about me?

[00:27:57] And then it gets to the point where you know many months later I'm like are you, why

[00:28:04] and then I kind of go to a different tone that's then you finally listen to me and I don't

[00:28:13] I didn't understand like why do I have to get to this part where I'm crying and sad for

[00:28:19] you to look at me and listen to me why wasn't it just important in the beginning.

[00:28:24] So we don't do this anymore, this is very personal and I'm sharing it because one we're

[00:28:30] not perfect two, we had to learn from our own mistake and I mean these things aren't really

[00:28:37] happening what the other day sometimes he'll hint things when he wants me to do something

[00:28:43] and I feel myself getting irritated so like just say it, just say it, I'm going to get

[00:28:47] to it.

[00:28:48] I feel like it feels that when you're getting overstimulated, we've got little ones and

[00:28:54] it's a juggle.

[00:28:57] It's a juggle as it is for our family and for your family but I feel like I wasn't

[00:29:05] really listening.

[00:29:06] I knew right.

[00:29:07] And that could have been better.

[00:29:08] If anything it's not the thing that bothers me, I'm very capable, I'm strong, I can carry

[00:29:16] 10 grocery bags in, I'm little but I am so strong and I am so capable and I saw my

[00:29:24] mom be strong and capable.

[00:29:26] But sometimes it's like I don't want to have to be strong and I just want you to listen.

[00:29:33] It's not the heaviness or the hardness that hurts me, it's when my feelings get hurt.

[00:29:40] That's what hurts.

[00:29:41] I think that's what I'm doing right now.

[00:29:44] That's a thing.

[00:29:45] I think that most people are dealing with is they just want to be loved, they just want

[00:29:53] to be cared about, they just want to be listened to and that's a hard thing in life.

[00:30:00] I think when you get hurt it comes out as a complaint because you...

[00:30:06] Don't even know how to...

[00:30:07] I don't think you even know how to properly communicate at that time because you've tried

[00:30:14] almost everything and then you're at this point where like how do you even say it?

[00:30:20] I don't even know why I'm getting emotional.

[00:30:22] I guess it's just like thinking back to those times and it's like my voice, not important.

[00:30:30] I know you love me but do you love me?

[00:30:34] Those were the questions then, like really?

[00:30:37] I think the big problem is because what happens when people do a complaint is they do one

[00:30:44] of these things which is state the problem.

[00:30:47] They state the problem, you're not coming home and this is...

[00:30:52] The food's getting cold and the kids don't know when you're coming home so they want

[00:30:57] to stay up and wait for you and that's the problem.

[00:31:01] We don't do these other three things that I think are so important to stating an issue,

[00:31:08] a complaint which I think makes both sides want to fix the problem more is that one,

[00:31:17] starting off with a compliment and then three after stating the problem.

[00:31:22] I think...

[00:31:23] State the issue.

[00:31:24] No, I get it.

[00:31:25] I get that.

[00:31:26] I love that.

[00:31:27] Those men don't know why this is so important to you and if they're spouse just states

[00:31:38] why this is so important to them.

[00:31:40] Well we know now, dinner together is not an issue for me.

[00:31:45] It's a non-negotiable issue but listen me for one second.

[00:31:48] This is what changed it for me.

[00:31:51] This is why...

[00:31:52] Because I just thought at that time and this is why this got fixed because at that

[00:31:57] time I felt like you were just coming at me and I was under a ton of stress and I was

[00:32:02] not taking it well.

[00:32:05] So when you came at me like that, it didn't digest well but when you finally told me

[00:32:14] this is why I need you to do this.

[00:32:17] This is killing me, this is hurting me, this is not...

[00:32:21] This is making me upset.

[00:32:22] Well I got to the point where I'm like I don't care if you want to have dinner with

[00:32:27] me or not.

[00:32:28] Just don't let the kids down.

[00:32:31] Don't let the kids down.

[00:32:32] If you let the kids down that's not okay.

[00:32:35] But I think the more you explain it's not that.

[00:32:37] I just thought to the point.

[00:32:38] It's when you throw in the towel like that but that's what happened at the end.

[00:32:43] That doesn't get a good response because...

[00:32:46] But for me, honestly it didn't.

[00:32:48] It just stopped mattering.

[00:32:50] I was like I'm done.

[00:32:51] But see what happened was you went through that phase and then you said the kids and

[00:32:55] then I was like oh okay and then when we got into a deep conversation at one point you

[00:33:00] said this is hurting me.

[00:33:02] Well yeah because it's like if you don't want to have dinner with me.

[00:33:06] But it wasn't just that they're supposed to have dinner with them.

[00:33:08] But that wasn't it.

[00:33:09] That was a whole fleet of other reasons too.

[00:33:12] Why that were bothering you.

[00:33:14] Because it was repeated and repeated.

[00:33:16] You were feeling disrespected because you had asked me to do this stuff.

[00:33:19] No I was feeling I'm loved.

[00:33:21] Honestly I love it.

[00:33:22] That's why you got to work.

[00:33:23] If you don't want to have dinner with someone that's cool because you all snatchers or

[00:33:28] I'm not saying you but you know I know that I want to be around someone and it's like

[00:33:33] well I guess I'll go to bed by myself again and again.

[00:33:38] And again and by myself again.

[00:33:40] I think when you explain that to me in a way that I understood that it was hurting you.

[00:33:48] I was so lonely.

[00:33:50] I was literally so lonely.

[00:33:52] I felt like a single married person, whatever that is.

[00:33:58] That's what I felt like.

[00:34:00] Because I didn't you'd go to work.

[00:34:02] And then I'd be trying to wait.

[00:34:04] I'm like well at least dinner.

[00:34:07] You said you'd be home at 4.30 and then it's 9.

[00:34:10] And then it's 10.

[00:34:11] And I'll go to bed by myself again.

[00:34:14] And it hurt really bad in the beginning and it was interesting because it got to a point

[00:34:18] of I don't care.

[00:34:20] And then it got to a point where we started praying.

[00:34:25] You didn't know it but the kids and I were praying over you.

[00:34:29] And I think that was the only thing that softened my heart.

[00:34:33] And I was almost and this is the devil but I was almost like ready to go.

[00:34:41] I was almost ready to leave.

[00:34:43] Well I think it was obviously you knew that I was going through a lot too.

[00:34:50] And so I think the compassion for me going through what I'm going through.

[00:34:58] It's Christmas at a retail program, at a retail facility.

[00:35:03] But it was many months before that and a lot of that is not your fault.

[00:35:07] The wheels are falling off and it's a horrible company and it's falling apart.

[00:35:13] And so it was going through so many issues during Christmas and it just literally they

[00:35:20] couldn't get fixed fast enough.

[00:35:22] And so you knew what I was going through and I think it was just both of us meeting at

[00:35:30] the middle and going, you were just laid it all on the line.

[00:35:34] You told me what you were going through and I don't want to hurt you.

[00:35:38] Well I didn't actually, I didn't tell you.

[00:35:39] I don't want you to hurt.

[00:35:40] I think one of the things that are important to do is have gratefulness in your heart.

[00:35:45] If you're in this grateful place about everything, it's a lot harder to feel like you want

[00:35:52] to complain about something.

[00:35:55] And so just being grateful.

[00:35:57] But then I want to get back to these four points because whether you use them or not,

[00:36:03] it's a way for both sides to be able to get a point across.

[00:36:08] And then I really think and help somebody.

[00:36:10] And that's start with a compliment.

[00:36:13] State the problem.

[00:36:15] Then talk about the issue.

[00:36:18] The issue is when you do this, it makes me feel like this or when you don't put the

[00:36:24] little on the charge can we get bugs in the garage.

[00:36:27] Or when you come home late, it makes me feel unloved like you don't want to be around

[00:36:33] me or like you don't want to be here for the kids.

[00:36:36] When you told me that, it was I didn't want to hurt you.

[00:36:40] I love you.

[00:36:41] I want you to be okay.

[00:36:42] And I didn't realize that was the reason why, I mean, I probably should have.

[00:36:48] But yeah, I think I did.

[00:36:49] I think I did.

[00:36:50] I 100% did say it in the beginning, but your head was somewhere else.

[00:36:55] I don't think you told me in that way in a way that I took it.

[00:36:58] Well, at the end it was a breakdown.

[00:37:00] But the interesting part is and I know I got off topic for a minute, but when you didn't

[00:37:09] know, and we were praying for you every night because I just, I didn't want to feel that

[00:37:14] way.

[00:37:15] I didn't want to feel that way.

[00:37:16] And when I'm having a hard time, the only person I can lean into is God.

[00:37:22] And it was interesting when you came home and you said, I'm done with this thing.

[00:37:27] I hate this thing.

[00:37:28] I don't even want to do what I quit.

[00:37:29] I'm done.

[00:37:30] It's over.

[00:37:31] Then I said, you don't even know.

[00:37:34] I was battling all these things inside.

[00:37:39] And that's where it all came to the table of how truly hurt I felt because I didn't,

[00:37:46] I felt like you loved that job so much that I didn't want to.

[00:37:53] I didn't want to be the one.

[00:37:55] I loved it.

[00:37:56] No, that wasn't it.

[00:37:57] No, I know.

[00:37:58] But I just, I felt that way.

[00:37:59] I felt that way.

[00:38:00] I felt that way and I didn't want to.

[00:38:02] And I didn't even want to tell you what my mom said, what she felt.

[00:38:07] I didn't want to tell you what I felt because I would never want to be behind someone's,

[00:38:14] you know, to have you walk out of something if it was your God-given destiny.

[00:38:19] But when you stated that it wasn't and you hated it and all the other things that went

[00:38:25] along with it, it just was so crazy.

[00:38:29] It was so crazy and so beautiful because here we are.

[00:38:32] That was really our hardest year.

[00:38:34] That was a hard year.

[00:38:35] Oh my goodness.

[00:38:37] So glad that's over with.

[00:38:39] So what do you think men can do so that women don't, and I know this is more relationship

[00:38:50] but in business, I'll just say if you're going to complain to anybody, your manager or even

[00:38:57] to the people that work for you, if you're going to complain, come with a solution.

[00:39:02] I have that role with the kids.

[00:39:04] Don't come to me, you're working for me, don't come to me with a complaint unless you're

[00:39:10] bringing me a solution too.

[00:39:12] For the husband and wife, you, I think it's probably best if you answer it from a woman's

[00:39:18] point of view.

[00:39:19] If a man's coming to you and he's telling you, look, I'm sick of you doing this.

[00:39:22] He's probably not the best way to state that.

[00:39:26] How do you think or what do you think he should be saying so that he can bring that up

[00:39:31] to you in a way that doesn't bring the clause out?

[00:39:36] Well, not like I would say, don't bring it up like that.

[00:39:40] Exactly.

[00:39:41] Just I feel like there should be a weekly meeting and what went well this week, what could

[00:39:48] we work on and not like you and me saying that to my partner, you did this or you didn't

[00:39:58] do that.

[00:39:59] I feel like that weekly check-in is so important.

[00:40:03] What went well this week?

[00:40:05] What did you struggle with?

[00:40:06] What could we change?

[00:40:08] What can we do better because every week is different, every week is different, especially

[00:40:12] when you have kids.

[00:40:13] I feel the weekly check-in, that's where it's all going to come out and that year we didn't

[00:40:19] have any of that, none of that.

[00:40:21] The communication was so poor.

[00:40:24] I feel like that whole list of check-in, check-in, we always stating yourself as a team because

[00:40:34] that's what you are.

[00:40:35] You are a team and you need to do the check-in if you can't do it once a week, biweekly,

[00:40:43] but do not go longer than a month.

[00:40:47] When you know what went well, you could do more of that.

[00:40:51] When you know what your spouse was struggling, what did you struggle with?

[00:40:57] That doesn't even have to be a personal thing because you can write there, take inventory.

[00:41:02] Wow, he was struggling with this and the other, I know what I need to do.

[00:41:09] They don't even need to tell me.

[00:41:10] These questions, if you ask intelligent questions, you put your device down, get that stuff out

[00:41:18] of the way.

[00:41:19] They don't even belong in the room.

[00:41:20] They don't even belong in the room at this meeting.

[00:41:22] Now, you also, the other thing, I was raised like this.

[00:41:26] We had a weekly meeting.

[00:41:28] My mom, my brother and I we had this weekly meeting, which is why?

[00:41:33] My brother and I never fought, not one time, never.

[00:41:38] And I truly believe that it had something to do with this weekly meeting.

[00:41:44] And I feel that that's how it has to be done.

[00:41:48] It has to be those questions that are so valuable because you're all going to learn so much

[00:41:56] about how you could give that you can nourish, nurture this relationship, this family.

[00:42:07] And I'll just say on top of that and you're right, you're 100% right.

[00:42:11] If you guys can check in and we always check in, we can do it.

[00:42:14] Even the little things, what was your favorite dinner?

[00:42:17] What was your favorite because I know some Daniel will eat anything.

[00:42:21] Destiny's a little bit more picky, but you find out do the research.

[00:42:26] What do they like to eat?

[00:42:27] What can we make more of?

[00:42:28] What can we experiment with from anything from food to chores to school work to what is sparking

[00:42:38] their interest so that you can pour into.

[00:42:41] We need to know how to pour into each other.

[00:42:44] That is so important.

[00:42:45] And I think we've brought this up before where we've said that if we should always be telling

[00:42:53] each other what we're doing in the week coming up so that there's no surprises that

[00:43:00] we can talk about those things.

[00:43:01] And that helps stop those any situations where complaints would come up because you've

[00:43:09] already brought this stuff forward.

[00:43:10] But I'm just keep going back to my four things here because I think it's a delivery that

[00:43:15] works and I think it's important.

[00:43:18] And it doesn't need to seem forced like you're going through, hey, I need to do one

[00:43:22] and then I'll do two and then I'll be through.

[00:43:24] You just got, it just has to become a part of how you speak to each other.

[00:43:29] And that is start with the compliment.

[00:43:32] If you're going to bring something, you've got to start with the compliment and then state

[00:43:36] the problem.

[00:43:37] And then the issue, when you do this, it causes me to do this.

[00:43:43] And then last but not least, the thank you, the thank you.

[00:43:47] I so much appreciate if you could do that for me that way because this is, that would

[00:43:53] help me out a lot.

[00:43:54] If you could just, if we could just say those four things every time we wouldn't have

[00:44:00] complaints.

[00:44:01] It would literally kill complaints across the board well in the way that people, it would

[00:44:07] kill arguments about complaints is what I should say.

[00:44:10] That people could state the problems that they're having without it feeling like an interrogation

[00:44:18] or without it feeling like a finger pointing session.

[00:44:22] And that we need to get past.

[00:44:24] And if we want to be constructive and we want to talk to people in a way that's respectful

[00:44:29] to both sides, then I think we'll get so much rid of them.

[00:44:33] We can do that more.

[00:44:35] Yes.

[00:44:36] So I hope this helped you guys today.

[00:44:38] If you guys have dealt with any of these problems or you know anybody going through problems

[00:44:42] like this, please share the podcast with people we know it can help other people and we

[00:44:47] really want to get the podcasts out there to the people that need it most.

[00:44:51] And we thank you guys for your reviews.

[00:44:53] Our kids love the reviews.

[00:44:54] Yes.

[00:44:55] We need all the reviews to our kids and back we should be, we need to be reading the reviews

[00:44:59] too on air.

[00:45:02] So let's start doing that next week.

[00:45:03] I wish I had a guest.

[00:45:04] Leave your Instagram handle.

[00:45:05] You guys always forget.

[00:45:07] You guys.

[00:45:08] Yeah, we say this every time.

[00:45:09] Leave your Instagram handle so we can share this and tag you guys in it.

[00:45:13] I think you guys are so sweet.

[00:45:14] You just do it anyway.

[00:45:15] And thank you for the message.

[00:45:16] And thank you for the message.

[00:45:17] We're so grateful.

[00:45:18] Yes.

[00:45:19] Thank you guys.

[00:45:20] We're all figuring out this thing together.

[00:45:21] I love this community so much.

[00:45:24] God bless you all.

[00:45:26] And we'll see you guys next week.

[00:45:27] Yes.

[00:45:28] We'll see you next week.

[00:45:34] Thank you for listening.

[00:45:36] I hope that changed your life.

[00:45:41] God bless.

[00:45:42] See you next time.