She Wouldn't Let Her Baby Go!

[00:00:01] I don't know if you've seen it yet, but there's a viral video. A lot of people are talking about it right now. It takes place off the coast of Western Australia. Researchers filmed a dolphin named Fraggle carrying her calf. Her little calf passed away and its small body slipped beneath the water and Fraggle just

[00:00:32] gently lifted it again and again. Reports say she continued doing this for days. I saw that footage and I thought about a mother trying to keep her baby close. And I thought about all the mothers out there going through grief. And then I thought about my own mother. I thought about my brother David.

[00:01:02] And I thought about the first time my mother held my son. Get comfortable guys. We're about to have a very valuable conversation. Grab a warm beverage that you enjoy drinking. Maybe it's tea, maybe it's matcha, maybe it's coffee. And let's get into it friends.

[00:01:32] Uh, no. Ooh, that's better, right babe? Yeah! Yeah.

[00:01:43] She founded an architectural concrete company. He founded a hundred million dollar clothing company. She took the world by storm as a social media star. He took the world by storm as a famous serial entrepreneur. Together we started a business. And had babies. Now we're figuring out the best ways to do both. Join us as we learn from the world. From other entrepreneurs going through the same life struggles. As they share their life hacks about success, love kids. And everything in between.

[00:02:13] Welcome back to Becoming Unshakeable brought to you by the Entrepreneur Parents Podcast. My name is Ildiko Ferenczi and I'm your host and it's always such an honor to spend time with you and have these valuable conversations.

[00:02:29] By the way, this episode is talking about a passing child. That's that viral video. So please take care as you listen because it may bring up things that you may want to talk about or you may want to skip this one.

[00:02:49] Scientists have observed dolphins carrying and supporting calves that have passed. We can describe what they saw with Fraggle, but we cannot know exactly what she felt.

[00:03:09] What I do know is why her story touched something in me and many other women that have gone through something similar. My brother, David, he passed away when he was just 18. And for most of my life, I have spoken about losing my brother.

[00:03:35] Becoming a mother had made me understand something more about what my mother lost. And I just want you to know what our home was like before I tell you about the hardest day. My mother had made a brave choice to work harder so that we could live in a home with peace and love.

[00:04:01] I know people might hear that our parents divorced and imagine we must have had a broken childhood. Horrific. That is not the childhood I remember. I remember laughter. We joked all the time. There was always laughter. You could hear it down the street. We're European. So we were loud. We were passionate. We were laughing. People would come over.

[00:04:29] They could smell the goulash and the paprikash and all the amazing food. They would just want to come over and bite themselves for dinner. Listen, when you thought of our family, we prayed together. We traveled together. We built things together. Businesses. And we celebrated together.

[00:04:51] We loved being in that home. It was a childhood. I hope my own children feel that much love and safety when they look back on theirs. And David, David was a huge part of it. He was my brother. He was my best friend.

[00:05:14] And in so many ways, a father figure to me. He was the man of the house for us. When I think about the life we had, I can't tell you a story without him. That is the David I want you to meet before you hear about how we lost him. I will never forget the sound my mother made when she found out David had passed.

[00:05:45] It came from somewhere so deep inside her that I did not know a person could make a sound like that. I was grieving my brother. I missed my best friend, the person who helped me, who helped to make our home feel like ours, who made everything feel safe and beautiful along with my mom.

[00:06:12] And then suddenly, because none of this was planned and none of it is ever planned in our community when they lose a child. It's usually sudden, which it was for our family. It was an accident. It was an accident. Never, never planned. He was healthy. He was strong, smart. Just like all the other children out there.

[00:06:39] I had to watch my mother face the loss of her child, her son. For years, I could see how deeply she missed him. I didn't cry in front of her. I've told this to a few people. I never cried in front of her. I carried my own grief quietly when we were together.

[00:07:09] I wish I could explain exactly why, but perhaps I thought she would... I really, I believe... I believe that she was already carrying more than anyone should have to carry. And I just know that I could not let those tears out in front of her. Not when she was grieving so hard.

[00:07:37] Around our home, she made beautiful little corners for David's memory. His photographs and the things that remind us of him. They were all part of the house. Like that beautiful, powerful dolphin lifting the child. Her little one. She had made little spaces where she refused to let his memory fade into the darkness.

[00:08:07] And I became used to seeing them. They were comforting. And as I grew older, I understood more about what those spaces held. She was still his mother. He was still a part of our family. She wasn't letting that go and neither was I. I was still proud of him. I still loved him. He was still our family.

[00:08:35] It wasn't until I had a child of my own that the weight of what my mother had lived through truly reached me. I held my son and I looked at his face and I thought about how completely I loved him. I loved him more than I loved myself. And I know I'm not just speaking for myself.

[00:09:04] I'm speaking for everyone out there as parents. And then I thought about my mother holding David when he was little. Loving him through every age of his life. And for the first time, I cried about it in front of her.

[00:09:29] And I remember that connection that we had. And I think there was this relief because she couldn't understand why I didn't cry in front of her. She told me she confessed. She heard me cry in the room alone, but never with her. And maybe that was exactly what we both needed. But I told her I was just trying to be strong.

[00:10:00] I know you were going through so much. And she said, you could have come to me. But I didn't want to force it. And I was letting her grieve on her own way. But gosh, if we could have just come together and just cried like that. Maybe that's exactly what we needed. But as a child, I didn't really know. And she did. She did invite me.

[00:10:30] And she did try to have the conversation. But I just remember trying to be so strong. I got this under control. But she knew. She heard me. She heard me in the room. She heard me in the shower. And then I remember. I remember the moment that she was at the hospital. And she said, I'm going to be there praying. And there's a story behind that as well.

[00:11:00] Because Daniel didn't come screaming into the world. He was very quiet for a very long time. And everyone was very worried. And I remember I was praying. And when I talked to my mom after, she said, I was praying so hard. So hard. I was praying the entire time. And she knew when the baby, like around the time that the baby, Daniel, was coming. Because it was a C-section. And he was breached.

[00:11:29] And there was a lot of things going on. And she was praying. I was praying. And I believed that prayer. And David, God. And all the things worked together. But I remember she came to the hospital room after he was born. And everything turned out great. And she held my baby. She held her grandson.

[00:11:57] And he looked so much like David had looked. And I watched her face. And I watched her study. Her little grandson. And then I saw a smile I had missed for so long. I hadn't seen that smile.

[00:12:24] And I want to be so careful with that moment. Because my son did not replace David. Nobody could. She knew that. That was Daniel. That was beautiful Daniel. Daniel, my mother's grief did not disappear. Because another beautiful baby boy entered her life. She got to hold her grandson. She got to love him.

[00:12:50] And I got to see that joy on her face. Holding my son changed something for me too. And I didn't really think about it until later. Because I was going in on all the feels. And a new mother feels. And it's like your old self dies. And you have the new baby.

[00:13:20] And of course, of course, I still missed my brother deeply. But for a moment, I could feel love moving through our family in a way that I had never expected. And I think about both things now. How much we had lost. And how much love we still had to give. That's why I want to speak to the parents listening who have lost a child.

[00:13:51] You may have a home full of life and still miss the person who should be there. You may laugh at something your other child say and think about the child you wish you could have heard laughing at the same thing too. Right? There's room for all of that.

[00:14:18] And to those of us who love a grieving parent, we can keep learning how to be with them. Because the journey changes. Ask whether they want to tell you about their child. If you knew that child, share a memory. Priceless. I know that. I love that. I love that. I love that so much.

[00:14:47] I know my mom loved that. Share the memory. Remember a birthday or another day that may be special about that child. Share remembering the day that may be difficult. Offer to bring dinner. Take care of an errand. And allow them to say yes or no.

[00:15:14] Some parents welcome hearing their child's name. And others may not want to talk on a particular day. The hard day. They might not want to talk to anyone at all. And that's okay. We can just listen and let them lead. What I know from my family is that David's name matters. His life matters. I love when someone remembers who he was.

[00:15:44] I still love and welcome the stories. I love when people remember his birthday. I love when people reach out. I really do. I really do. I love sharing his legacy with my children. They know exactly who he was, how he was, some of the jokes and funny moments of our lives. He's a part of them too.

[00:16:10] So I just, I want you to know that, that those things are so special. I love talking about him. I love talking about my loved ones that have passed, but that's not for everyone. But I just want to invite you to just don't be scared. I know if you haven't had loss in your family like that, it's scary. You don't want to send someone over the edge. For me, I didn't even want to cry in front of my mom.

[00:16:41] Dang it. And I should have, but I didn't have anyone advise me on this topic as a child. I didn't, I didn't know. I didn't know that that may heal parts of her heart. We would talk about him and I would always try to be really positive. Sometimes people would ask, you know, do you have, do you have any siblings? That was hard. I'd keep the smile on.

[00:17:11] Yes, I have one in heaven. I know that those are hard. It would be hard for her to answer. And she didn't, she would, she would actually share the story that was healing for her. I want to, I want to take you to a Bible moment right now. In the gospel, according to John chapter 11, verse 35, we read, Jesus wept. Those are the words of the entire verse.

[00:17:39] Jesus was with people mourning Lazarus. He saw their sorrow and he wept. I think about that when I'm, when I'm beside someone who is grieving and I'm, I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing. Sometimes we feel we should have an explanation. We want to say something that will make the pain easier to carry. But here we see Jesus weeping.

[00:18:09] That gives us permission to sit beside someone without having all the answers. We can let go of that. We can sit there and we could be there to listen when they want to speak. When the parents want to speak. To let there be silence when they can't speak. It's okay. It's okay to sit in silence.

[00:18:39] We can trust God and still cry. And we can love someone well, another family, parents, by standing beside them through tears. Grab your journals and something to write with. If you are grieving a child, and I know many of you are, and perhaps many of you are supporting a family that is,

[00:19:11] you don't, as the parents, you don't owe this episode a journal entry. You can simply rest for a moment. You could do what feels right to you. If you feel called to write, if you'd like to write, write. Perhaps all you want to do today is write your child's name. Because it's been a while.

[00:19:42] Perhaps you'd like to write a memory you love. Or something you wish people knew about them. For everyone thinking of a family that they want to support, ask yourself, have I given them room to talk about their child? Is there a memory I could share? Is there a date I could remember and a particular way I could help?

[00:20:12] Write these things down. And am I willing to check in when a long time has passed? I know many people check in on me. I've lost a couple of beautiful people that I love so much. And it means so much when people check in on me.

[00:20:39] Let the answer guide one gentle action. And here's a legacy challenge for you guys this week. Reach out to a family who has lost a child that they love. If you knew that person, share a real memory. If you didn't, you could say, I'm thinking of you today.

[00:21:10] There's no need to reply. Just something so simple. It's a lift. If you're able to hug them, what do they say? My mom always used to say, if you can hug someone for 30 seconds, you can give them your energy. I remember her saying, I felt that when I was at my weakest. There was a couple times that were hard for her. And I remember how that affected me during my hard times.

[00:21:39] 30 seconds. I know a lot of couples, they talk about this very energy exchange. The stronger energy will lift the weaker one. I think it was Layla Hermosi. I believe she was saying that she does it every day. I really believe that it is. Sometimes I still get mom brain, okay? But I believe that that's who it was. She was sharing it too. And I was like, oh my gosh, I did that.

[00:22:08] I do that. I do that with my children. I always let them fall away first. So that's a beautiful thing that you can do. Just a hug. They're reaching out with a beautiful text. Simple, but it's beautiful. Then put a date on your calendar to reach out again. We can care for people beyond the first difficult days.

[00:22:37] It runs on for years. It's beautiful. When I saw Fraggle carrying her calf, I thought of all the mothers out there. And I thought of my mother. I thought of how much love she has carried for David through the years. How she would not let his memory die into the darkness.

[00:23:03] I thought about all the little corners, the pictures, his little baby things, and through the years, all his stuff out where we could see them, where she could see them. I also thought about the hospital room where she held my son. Our family story contains both of those moments.

[00:23:29] It contains the sound my mother made that night that I wish I could forget. And in a smile, I was grateful to see again. It contains the brother I miss, the childhood he helped give me. What a blessing. It was amazing.

[00:23:58] My mother's beautiful corners of him. And the children I now hold in my arms. My blessings. I want David's name to keep being spoken in our family. And when I meet a parent carrying a loss of their own, I want to remember that their child has a whole story too.

[00:24:23] And I want to be there to help in any way that I can to just re-spark all the beautiful memories because it's healing. It's healing. And on that, I'd like us to come together in prayer.

[00:24:48] Heavenly Father, God, we come to you with the people we love on our hearts. Be close to every parent who is missing a child. Be close to every parent who is missing a child, every sibling missing a brother or sister, and every family living with an absence they feel each day. You know their names. They're not forgotten.

[00:25:15] You know the memories that still, that bring comfort and the moments that, the moments that still hurt. Give them room to grieve honestly without feeling they must hide their tears or explain their sorrow. Surround them with people who listen, remember, and keep showing up.

[00:25:39] For those of us who want to help, give us gentleness in our words and wisdom in our action. In our actions. Help us. Help us. Help us. Help us offer practical care. And follow through on what we promise. When joy returns for a moment, help us receive it without guilt.

[00:26:06] When sadness returns, remind us that we could bring it to you again. Hold each family represented here. Help us care for one another through the days ahead. We say this in Jesus' name. Amen. I wanted to take a moment to thank you for sitting with me through this conversation. It wasn't easy. When I think back, I remember my mother trying to explain it to people.

[00:26:35] She said, I've always known that she said she would go first as a parent. And she's dealt with heavy things. She dealt with the passing of her parents. And that was really hard. And she said the divorce was like a death. That she had to grieve it. And I hear that many times now. But she said the passing of a child.

[00:27:01] There's nothing harder than the passing of a child. Nothing harder. And that sat with me. That always sat with me. And when I saw this viral video, I just thought, you know, why am I seeing this? Is this a conversation that needs to be had? I didn't want to have it because it's not easy. But someone out there needs it.

[00:27:28] And I wish I could hug every family going through this. I know that we've all or many of us have struggled with just the grief of trying to start a family. And listen, that's the passing of a child too. When it doesn't go the way that we pray that it will go.

[00:27:58] And some of us are still trying out there. Some of us have had rainbow babies. Daniel's my rainbow baby. And I'm praying for everyone in whatever season that you're going through out there. Again, thank you for sitting with me through this. I love you guys. If someone came to mind while you listened, reach out to them. And share this episode if it feels right.

[00:28:25] And don't forget to subscribe to the Entrepreneur Parents Podcast so you don't miss an episode, a conversation. Leave a kind review. It helps us reach other families that need these conversations. And leave those five golden stars that Daniel and Destiny talk about. Your support helps other families find us. And I'm grateful for this community that we have.

[00:28:53] I'm proud of you for pouring into yourselves. I'm proud of you for having hard conversations. And I'm proud of you for pouring into your families and building a beautiful legacy. For stories that nurture faith, character, and courage in children, join Daniel and Destiny on the Entrepreneur Kids Legacy Show. It's something the whole family can listen to and learn from.

[00:29:20] And if you'd like to help sponsor the show, you can do that at buymeacoffee.com backslash entrepreneurkidslegacy. Actually, no, not legacy. It's buymeacoffee.com backslash entrepreneurkids. The link is in the bio. You can tap on it. And you can buy me a coffee too. And I always appreciate that. God bless you. Until next time, protect what matters. Keep building your family's legacy.

[00:29:49] And remember the people in front of you are part of the God-given destiny. God bless you. We love you. Glory to God always. I can't wait to talk to you again. Thank you, beautiful friends, for listening to this important message from Mama. Dear with someone you love and care about. Oh, and we'd love to personally invite you to listen to our podcast.

[00:30:18] It's for young future leaders ready to change the world and be a light in the dark. Listen together as a family. It's called the Entrepreneur Kids Legacy Show. We know you'll love it. Be kind. Build an unforgettable family legacy. God bless you. We love you.

[00:30:44] And parents, if no one told you yet, let us be the folks. You're doing a remarkable job. And remember, you are the hero of your story. Because every legacy begins with a hero. And that hero is you. This podcast is for inspirational and educational purposes only.

[00:31:10] And it is not intended to replace professional advice, legal advice, diagnosis, or treatment. The views expressed are based on personal experience and faith-based insight and are meant to encourage reflection and growth. Always seek the guidance of qualified professionals regarding any questions or concerns you may have about your health, relationships, or business. And we'll ask for a question. And we'll see you next time. We'll see you next time. Thank you.