Prioritizing Open Communication With Your Spouse; Divorce Proofing Your Marriage Part 1 of 10

[00:00:00] My father was a runaway. If he didn't feel he couldn't handle something, he would leave. He would leave for a day or something. But that's also where the enemy opens up the door. That's how cheating happens. That's how you go talk to your friends because that's easier because they're going to be on your side. And it just opens the door to really bad things. So for me, that's triggering. For my mom, that's triggering.

[00:00:27] So she knew in our family to not split us apart.

[00:00:36] Uh, no.

[00:00:39] Ooh, that's better, right babe?

[00:00:42] Yeah!

[00:00:46] She founded an architectural concrete company.

[00:00:49] He founded a hundred million dollar clothing company.

[00:00:52] She took the world by storm as a social media star.

[00:00:55] He took the world by storm as a famous serial entrepreneur.

[00:00:59] Together we started a business.

[00:01:01] And had babies.

[00:01:02] Now we're figuring out the best ways to do both.

[00:01:04] Join us as we learn from other entrepreneurs going through the same life struggles.

[00:01:09] As they share their life hacks about success, love, kids.

[00:01:14] And everything in between.

[00:01:15] It is hard to fail, but it is worse.

[00:01:19] Never to have tried to succeed.

[00:01:22] Quote by Theodore Roosevelt.

[00:01:24] At the end of the day, we can endure much more than we think we can.

[00:01:30] Quote by Frida Kahle.

[00:01:34] Welcome to the Pretty and Punk Podcast.

[00:01:36] My name is Dan Caldwell.

[00:01:38] And I'm here with my beautiful co-host and lovely wife.

[00:01:42] Ildiko Ferenzi.

[00:01:43] How are you guys doing this week?

[00:01:45] And we got a great podcast for you guys.

[00:01:47] Actually, we got better than that.

[00:01:49] We have a new 10 part series on divorce proofing your marriage,

[00:01:55] especially for entrepreneur parents.

[00:01:59] And this is something that it just...

[00:02:00] Thanks to all parents, I think.

[00:02:02] Well, I mean, you know what?

[00:02:03] All relationships.

[00:02:03] It will absolutely work for all people who are married.

[00:02:07] But we are looking through the lens of being parents and entrepreneurs.

[00:02:11] And so there's sometimes specific challenges that come with that.

[00:02:15] And we're like in these...

[00:02:17] We're in times...

[00:02:18] We're in these special times.

[00:02:20] These...

[00:02:21] That people are coming after your marriage.

[00:02:23] That people are preaching about getting divorces.

[00:02:26] You're looking at these YouTube channels and people are talking about how if...

[00:02:31] For one little problem, for one little thing, let's get a divorce.

[00:02:35] Let's...

[00:02:36] Because your spouse is walking away or because you're uncomfortable or because, you know,

[00:02:42] a certain word was said or whatever it might be that people are not trying to keep their

[00:02:48] marriages together anymore.

[00:02:49] It's the simple way of...

[00:02:53] The simple antidote becomes let's get a divorce.

[00:02:57] And it just...

[00:02:59] People are not working hard enough on their marriages.

[00:03:01] And the enemy is on the attack.

[00:03:04] And so we feel like there's so much more that can be done to keep that marriage together.

[00:03:09] And we want to talk about, hey, things are not easy for us either.

[00:03:13] We go through stuff.

[00:03:15] But...

[00:03:16] I think, yeah, everybody does.

[00:03:17] Everybody goes through this stuff.

[00:03:19] And we want you just to know that you're not alone.

[00:03:23] That we are dealing with those same challenges.

[00:03:25] That it's not always easy for us.

[00:03:27] And don't let the enemy put...

[00:03:29] Wait, before we get into that.

[00:03:31] But before we jump into that.

[00:03:33] Hey, guys.

[00:03:33] We hope you're enjoying today's episode of the Pretty and Punk podcast.

[00:03:36] And if you are and you haven't already, hit that like and subscribe button.

[00:03:40] It just takes a second.

[00:03:42] It means so much to us because it really helps the podcast get out there to more listeners

[00:03:46] like you guys.

[00:03:47] And if you know anybody, it might help.

[00:03:49] And you can send it to them.

[00:03:51] We really appreciate that too.

[00:03:52] We also love and appreciate your reviews.

[00:03:55] Even the babies look forward to them every day.

[00:03:58] If you share this episode on social media today, don't forget to tag us.

[00:04:03] We want to celebrate you because we know it's not easy being a parent in business.

[00:04:07] And the way that you juggle things makes you a superhero.

[00:04:11] That's worth a shout out.

[00:04:12] Together, we have a community of our personal followers as well.

[00:04:16] And we just want to put it out there.

[00:04:18] We want to show everybody that this juggle is possible.

[00:04:22] And you are our family.

[00:04:24] And we're so proud and grateful to have you a part of this family.

[00:04:30] So don't forget, all the links are below in the show notes.

[00:04:35] And thank you again.

[00:04:37] And let's get back to the show.

[00:04:38] In any strong relationship, guys, open communication is that cornerstone that keeps the trust and intimacy and unity alive.

[00:04:48] So think of it as a bridge that connects your hearts, allowing your thoughts and feelings to pass freely.

[00:04:57] Because without this bridge, that's when those misunderstandings and unresolved issues can quickly lead to distance and resentment.

[00:05:08] And then all of a sudden, the D word starts coming up after years of that bad habit of not communicating properly.

[00:05:16] So I think you can guess this episode is about prioritizing open communication with your spouse.

[00:05:24] And this is so important.

[00:05:26] And I know it's easier to walk away or not talk about it because it doesn't always feel good to have that open communication and express your feelings freely.

[00:05:42] And then after a while, what happens is you don't feel safe sharing anymore because you don't want to have the fight or the explosion or have someone walk out on you or threaten.

[00:05:53] Listen, if we're going to talk about this, I'm out.

[00:05:55] I'm going to leave and then I'll come back.

[00:05:57] So it's almost more comfortable to just not have the conversation.

[00:06:02] That leads to hate.

[00:06:03] It leads to separation, like not separation as in divorce yet, but there's distance.

[00:06:10] It's building distance.

[00:06:11] And the enemy loves that.

[00:06:13] And he's planting the way that you react and making you feel comfortable with acting that way.

[00:06:22] Do you know what I mean?

[00:06:23] Yeah.

[00:06:23] And it's, yeah.

[00:06:24] When you start to grow, it helps you.

[00:06:27] Well, it leads you to growing apart.

[00:06:30] And when you start to grow apart, you start to lead your own lives, two different lives, because one person doesn't.

[00:06:37] I mean, it is easier.

[00:06:39] It is.

[00:06:40] I have to fight that feeling sometimes because I'm a loner.

[00:06:44] I like to be within my own feelings and thoughts.

[00:06:49] And sometimes I like going on walks by myself.

[00:06:52] And so that becomes my default.

[00:06:56] And it takes work to go, I can't do that all the time.

[00:07:01] Because you have to guard somebody else's heart and their mental health and their emotions.

[00:07:08] Well, because I know you are more about connectivity.

[00:07:11] Well, I just like to get things out of the way because I don't like that toxic synergy.

[00:07:17] A lot of families have it where they've had things in the past and they just pretend it never happened and they sweep it under the rug.

[00:07:25] And what happens is you all know it happened, but you've never had the conversation.

[00:07:32] So it's this toxicity and it's everybody happy and chipper.

[00:07:39] But underneath, it actually is destroying your you.

[00:07:46] You can't help but to think of someone in a certain way, but you could never say it.

[00:07:51] You know what I mean?

[00:07:52] And in my family, I feel like we were really encouraged.

[00:07:56] If something's bothering you, you just say it.

[00:07:58] It may not be comfortable.

[00:08:00] It may escalate a little, but in the end, we're going to work through this.

[00:08:05] And you come to me.

[00:08:07] And we never had a safe word in my family, but I know a lot of people that I...

[00:08:13] Because we work with a lot of families.

[00:08:15] And what helps them is a safe word for perhaps, I don't know, make it up marshmallow or care bear.

[00:08:24] And you say the safe word first.

[00:08:27] So you know that a hard topic is coming up.

[00:08:30] Perhaps it's something new, coming clean with something.

[00:08:34] Well, I think it's even better to have physical touch there.

[00:08:38] You know, holding each other's hands when you start to have that conversation.

[00:08:41] Well, I mean, yeah.

[00:08:43] I mean, yeah.

[00:08:44] I mean, I wouldn't mind.

[00:08:46] Some people blow up, so that would be scary.

[00:08:50] But I mean, and those are things you have to fight those emotions.

[00:08:56] And you have to realize that's not coming from God, those emotions.

[00:09:01] That's not going to help the situation at all.

[00:09:04] Yeah, I mean, you have...

[00:09:07] To people, sometimes the communication isn't easy to have or a conversation isn't easy to have

[00:09:14] when the topic can be triggering to one side or the other.

[00:09:19] Right.

[00:09:19] For one side, it may not be triggering at all.

[00:09:22] But for the other side...

[00:09:24] To one side, it can be therapeutic.

[00:09:25] Right.

[00:09:25] You know, that person needs to talk about this situation.

[00:09:27] Where the other person is feeling like they don't want to talk about the situation.

[00:09:33] Because it's triggering.

[00:09:35] And that can easily be turned into a fight.

[00:09:38] Right.

[00:09:38] And having...

[00:09:39] I think, for me, connectivity, when you're holding...

[00:09:43] Rather than a safe word, I think holding hands or something that calms your soul a little bit,

[00:09:48] so you feel like you can't...

[00:09:49] You're scary sometimes.

[00:09:50] I don't know if I can do that.

[00:09:53] Yeah, but I've also grabbed your hand and said,

[00:09:55] look, we're on the same side.

[00:09:57] Yeah, see, that's better.

[00:09:59] That makes me feel safe.

[00:10:00] So if you're holding your hands from the start...

[00:10:02] Because, yeah, I can be...

[00:10:04] Sometimes I'm like, you know, I'm in this...

[00:10:08] I'm stressed out and I don't want to talk about something because I feel like it's just

[00:10:12] going to make me more stressed out.

[00:10:14] And I want to...

[00:10:14] I just need a moment.

[00:10:16] You know, I just...

[00:10:16] And I've told you before.

[00:10:17] I need time.

[00:10:19] I can't talk about this right now.

[00:10:20] Yeah.

[00:10:20] It's like, give me a minute.

[00:10:21] And for some people...

[00:10:22] And I get that now.

[00:10:23] But just...

[00:10:24] I remember like in the beginning, you definitely were a runaway guy.

[00:10:29] Oh, at the beginning I was, for sure.

[00:10:31] You'd love to run away.

[00:10:31] And then, especially from my background, my mom would never abandon me.

[00:10:38] She would never, ever, ever, you know, split the family apart.

[00:10:42] But that was also a trigger for her because my father was a runaway.

[00:10:49] If he didn't feel...

[00:10:51] He couldn't handle something, he would leave.

[00:10:53] He would leave for a day or something.

[00:10:55] But that's also where the enemy opens up the door.

[00:10:59] That's how cheating happens.

[00:11:01] That's how you go talk to your friends because that's easier because they're going to be on

[00:11:05] your side.

[00:11:06] And it just opens the door to really bad things.

[00:11:09] So for me, that's triggering.

[00:11:11] For my mom, that's triggering.

[00:11:13] So she knew in our family to not split us apart.

[00:11:18] And that was really important for her to never split us apart.

[00:11:22] Even to the day when she was ill, ill.

[00:11:25] And she wanted us out there.

[00:11:28] But we were dealing with COVID and we had to deal with stuff.

[00:11:33] We were in and out of town.

[00:11:34] But she said, you don't come by yourself.

[00:11:37] You always, always, always stick together.

[00:11:40] Because she's been there.

[00:11:41] She's lifted.

[00:11:43] She's lived it.

[00:11:44] Well, that was a hard time.

[00:11:45] You couldn't even go into Canada unless you stayed for two weeks.

[00:11:49] You had to quarantine.

[00:11:49] So it, but for her, she's like, you come when you're all together because she knows what

[00:11:55] happens when families split up innocently, even, hey, come over here.

[00:12:00] And innocently things happen.

[00:12:03] Suddenly there's cheating or addictions and something can happen.

[00:12:08] So I feel that it's triggering, especially when you're feeling hate or animosity towards

[00:12:17] your spouse to just walk out.

[00:12:19] So for me, that's triggering.

[00:12:21] For some people, no.

[00:12:22] They're like, get the heck away from me.

[00:12:24] Yes, just leave.

[00:12:25] That works for you.

[00:12:26] I just don't see it being a good thing.

[00:12:29] But yes, have your space, but communicate freely.

[00:12:34] Don't just disappear for a day or two and then come back.

[00:12:38] That is not healthy.

[00:12:39] You have to communicate.

[00:12:40] That's immaturity.

[00:12:42] Hey, I've gone.

[00:12:42] Because if you can't keep yourself together for that long.

[00:12:44] You can go to a different part of the house and then come back and then do that physical

[00:12:49] touch thing or, or, you know, having the safe word or whatever seems to, because every

[00:12:59] family is different.

[00:13:01] Everybody's had different fears.

[00:13:04] Everybody's had different traumas.

[00:13:05] Everybody has had different experiences.

[00:13:08] So you need to be open to these things.

[00:13:11] And if you've had things in your past, please be open and share them.

[00:13:15] Because when you share those stories, a lot of the way you handle things while you're healing

[00:13:22] as an adult, it helps to make sense for your partner so that they can lean into you and

[00:13:29] truly be open for that gateway, the opening of the gateway of communication.

[00:13:34] Yeah.

[00:13:34] I think just speaking about it, when you just speak it openly, sometimes that can be therapeutic

[00:13:42] for you because you're having that conversation where you've been bottling all of that up and

[00:13:48] being able to speak about it openly.

[00:13:50] I mean, cause my immaturity, even, I mean, I'm just, shoot, I was, I wasn't, I shouldn't

[00:13:56] even be immature at an older age, but I was in that parts of my life.

[00:14:01] When we first got married, I think I had this immaturity of, and I don't know exactly why

[00:14:08] I just was used to being in control of everything.

[00:14:12] Yeah.

[00:14:13] And certain things I was, I was compartmentalizing as I can't, I don't, I haven't figured this

[00:14:19] piece out yet.

[00:14:20] Right.

[00:14:20] So I would, I would hold it and I'd not want to talk about it.

[00:14:23] It's all learning.

[00:14:23] But I do remember you saying something about, and this was, it was just, I don't know if

[00:14:31] you remember, but maybe you've said it a couple of times or more, but just make my, you're

[00:14:37] supposed to make my life easier, not harder.

[00:14:40] And I was like,

[00:14:41] Well, that was true.

[00:14:42] That was a true statement.

[00:14:43] I'm like, I need somebody to make my life easier here.

[00:14:46] I feel this too, but I wouldn't, I don't understand because everybody in your life around you is

[00:14:54] so much more difficult.

[00:14:56] So because they're difficult to deal with, I have to be easier to deal with.

[00:15:01] Well, I think because I can put them in their place, you know, I can fire somebody or send

[00:15:08] them off, you know, and get another person.

[00:15:10] I can get, I can get the person I need to handle that job and without having difficult,

[00:15:17] you know, I'm trying to make the whole point of running, when you're running a business

[00:15:21] and if you're comparing these as apples and apples.

[00:15:23] Well, if they're stressing you out, you can fire them.

[00:15:25] You get rid of them, right?

[00:15:26] It's like, this is a problem child.

[00:15:27] They're not doing what I need them to do.

[00:15:30] They're causing me more problems than they're worth.

[00:15:32] And so it's time to get rid of that person, get somebody who can run that effectively.

[00:15:37] And then you'd say, I'm out of here.

[00:15:38] And I'd be like, okay, that's fine.

[00:15:40] But I never meant I'm out of here.

[00:15:42] I know that's not what you meant because later, you know, when we were doing therapy

[00:15:46] and even through Tony Robbins, it was like this very, this, this was so important for

[00:15:52] me to hear because when I'm out of here, I'll never forget the night that my dad, not

[00:16:00] that he was out of there, but he said he'd be back.

[00:16:04] And that was the final night, which I didn't quite understand because I was really young,

[00:16:09] but he told me he'd be back and everything's going to be okay.

[00:16:16] And he left and it was never okay.

[00:16:18] And it was never the same ever.

[00:16:21] And I didn't realize you had that pain.

[00:16:24] I didn't, I wasn't.

[00:16:25] It was so painful.

[00:16:26] Even just the words, it triggered something, something within me where I just wanted, almost

[00:16:33] wanted to like get down on the ground and like, don't leave me.

[00:16:37] But that's just the inner, why am I getting emotional?

[00:16:42] But like so little words can be so triggering.

[00:16:46] And even though that's not, not what's actually happening and I would never get down on my

[00:16:52] knees and grovel, but maybe the little girl in me would, if I would have known what happened,

[00:16:58] what would have happened that night that everything was supposed to be normal again.

[00:17:04] Oh, I can, I mean, I specifically remember.

[00:17:07] I definitely would have probably grabbed him and said, no, don't leave me.

[00:17:10] I, and I, and you know, be naive.

[00:17:13] I didn't realize the, I didn't put those two pieces together and realize that this is

[00:17:19] why you were going through this.

[00:17:21] Right.

[00:17:21] I can remember you standing in front of the door and I just wanted to walk around outside

[00:17:25] and calm myself down.

[00:17:27] Like, okay, we're, you know, this is before we were married and I was just like, not in

[00:17:31] a good place.

[00:17:32] I was dealing with a bunch of stuff and I just, I remember just wanting to walk out the door.

[00:17:36] I just want to walk out the door.

[00:17:37] Let me go breathe.

[00:17:38] And I said, I got to get out of here.

[00:17:41] And you like stood in front of the door.

[00:17:43] Like you're not leaving.

[00:17:45] You're not leaving.

[00:17:46] Because I thought maybe in my head that that's, that's forever.

[00:17:50] But you know, with all the, we've invested, I don't understand where this is even coming

[00:17:56] from.

[00:17:57] So it was your own triggers of something leading you to say that.

[00:18:01] And it triggered me.

[00:18:03] But then when we were doing that therapy and they were saying, listen, it doesn't matter

[00:18:10] how big the argument is, how this, it could be the biggest monster in the room, but you

[00:18:18] have to assure each other that say there's a vehicle and you have to assure each other,

[00:18:24] even if you go for a little break or just, even if your spouse has that issue at that time, my issues

[00:18:31] aren't like that anymore.

[00:18:32] Sometimes I'm like, okay, just go, just get out of here.

[00:18:36] I don't care.

[00:18:37] But at that time, and this was so helpful.

[00:18:41] So you visualize the vehicle.

[00:18:43] We're, we're not leaving the vehicle.

[00:18:46] We're staying in the vehicle, no matter how bad it is, no matter how bad it is, we are

[00:18:51] not leaving this vehicle.

[00:18:53] And that makes you confirm that it's, we're a team.

[00:18:58] If I talk to you and I say, look, um, I'm very frustrated right now and I'm dealing with

[00:19:04] a lot and I just need 10 minutes to breathe.

[00:19:07] I just let me walk around.

[00:19:08] I'll be back in 10 minutes and, and then we can have that conversation.

[00:19:13] The problem is, is when you don't have that part of the conversation and it's triggering

[00:19:18] in the way that you think I'm leaving, I'm not going to come back for two days or something,

[00:19:23] which I would never do.

[00:19:25] And that was, you know, that you, if you have that conversation, then you're okay.

[00:19:31] You become okay with me going, okay, I can deal with 10 minutes and then we'll finish

[00:19:37] the conversation.

[00:19:37] Because I know now I would rather have that than you explode and say things that you can't

[00:19:42] take back.

[00:19:43] And that's, you gotta be careful guys.

[00:19:46] If you need that moment, you have to take that moment because words are more, especially

[00:19:50] for women, they'll never forget it.

[00:19:53] And you know what I'm talking about.

[00:19:54] You'll never ever forget it.

[00:19:56] You'll literally have a dream about it and you'll wake up and you'll be grumpy.

[00:20:01] And they'll be like, what?

[00:20:02] And there were probably times when I said those things.

[00:20:05] Remember when you said this?

[00:20:05] Remember when you said this?

[00:20:06] There were definitely times when I said some of those things.

[00:20:08] And it's sometimes words are so much powerful than if you were to just punch someone in the

[00:20:13] face.

[00:20:14] Not that that's wrong because obviously you'll go to prison and never see your family again.

[00:20:18] But I'm just saying physically, sometimes it's easier to hurt yourself physically than to hear

[00:20:25] words from someone you love and not understand how they could say those things.

[00:20:31] And again, that's not God speaking through you.

[00:20:34] That's the enemy.

[00:20:35] And the one thing that really, really worked for us is praying, praying together.

[00:20:40] It is so intimate and most people don't do it.

[00:20:45] I'm not, I'm not sure why.

[00:20:47] Maybe it's embarrassing or it's just so intimate, but it is so beautiful.

[00:20:51] And that's one of our challenges for our couples is start praying together and pray for the things.

[00:20:59] Pray for your spouse.

[00:21:00] Yeah.

[00:21:00] Pray for the things that you wish for your marriage that you could work on, that you could do together

[00:21:06] to build this, this marriage.

[00:21:08] Because I'm telling you the enemy is after marriages.

[00:21:12] I just have to jump in for one second because this is bothering me so bad.

[00:21:17] I was watching an Instagram post about how it said divorce is heartbreaking, but not for my family.

[00:21:26] Okay.

[00:21:27] And there was this woman so happy.

[00:21:31] And I thought it was her new spouse.

[00:21:34] So she's with her kids.

[00:21:35] They're traveling the world and they're doing all these events.

[00:21:40] And I don't remember who this is.

[00:21:43] And maybe you guys have seen it, but it bothered me so, so bad because I was like, oh, well,

[00:21:49] she's having a really good life with her, her new husband.

[00:21:53] That's, that's great.

[00:21:54] That doesn't, you know, that that's good.

[00:21:56] That's good.

[00:21:57] Her children look really happy.

[00:21:58] But then I read the print and it was her husband that she divorced from because they don't have

[00:22:06] a new spouse yet.

[00:22:08] But I just felt really disturbed because why try to normalize this?

[00:22:13] Because in the moment when she finds a new spouse or he finds a new spouse, they're not going to be gallivanting

[00:22:23] and holding hands and doing this stuff in front of their children.

[00:22:27] They're saying they're living a healthy divorce for their children.

[00:22:30] But I mean, it just caught me off guard thinking, hold on.

[00:22:38] Why don't you just work on your flipping marriage?

[00:22:41] Because you guys are so flipping cute together.

[00:22:43] But in a minute when he finds another gorgeous wife that loves him, I don't think she's going to want you gallivanting around with him and holding hands and piggybacking.

[00:22:58] Yeah.

[00:22:58] And it's just going to get very complicated.

[00:23:01] So don't make everybody think that, wow, see, they had a great divorce because they don't have other spouses yet.

[00:23:10] It's never going to be the same.

[00:23:12] Right.

[00:23:13] You know, and especially when she gets a new man, he may not even want this guy in the picture.

[00:23:20] Things get very ugly.

[00:23:21] We work with lots of couples.

[00:23:23] So I just want, if you guys are looking at this video that's totally viral and everybody's applauding them and they're not, they don't have new spouses yet.

[00:23:34] So if anything, I literally did a little prayer.

[00:23:38] Please, God, please help them to find whatever had separated them and just have them come back together.

[00:23:46] That would be the best thing for them and for their kids because I see the magic in them.

[00:23:51] But I'm telling you, their new spouse isn't going to want that magic around.

[00:23:55] Your spouse is number one once you have a new spouse.

[00:23:59] So are they putting it up to show people that, you know, something that, you know, to build this facade that everything is okay.

[00:24:09] That divorce is fine.

[00:24:09] But it's not okay.

[00:24:10] And everybody says that divorce is a nightmare, but it's not.

[00:24:16] And I understand when there's physical problems, like there's people, you know, hurting their spouse or something.

[00:24:24] There's reasons for divorce, right?

[00:24:26] There's times where things cannot work because of, you know, physical abuse or whatever that might be.

[00:24:34] But the way that they were, right.

[00:24:35] See, and that's the thing that makes me think it probably wasn't physical abuse.

[00:24:39] It probably wasn't abuse towards the children because they were living.

[00:24:45] I mean, they're piggybacking, holding hands.

[00:24:49] She was going to some red carpet.

[00:24:50] So what was it?

[00:24:51] You know, what could it be?

[00:24:52] I don't know.

[00:24:52] And that's what I was curious about.

[00:24:55] And I was like, does it even matter if they're so happy like that?

[00:24:59] Look at their children.

[00:25:00] They are happy.

[00:25:01] Can't they find a way to make it work?

[00:25:02] Can't you just find a way to work rather than glamorizing divorce?

[00:25:06] Of course.

[00:25:07] So anyway, it just bothered me.

[00:25:09] And I know that's totally cut the, but I'm just saying that there are so many things that

[00:25:16] you can do to avoid it because I'm telling you, it is not a fairy tale.

[00:25:22] It will not be the same.

[00:25:24] And it's definitely not going to be like that.

[00:25:28] My dad had someone else and I just, it would, no, no, absolutely not.

[00:25:36] His new wife, absolutely.

[00:25:38] I couldn't even, I couldn't even get out of the car side of my dad's.

[00:25:42] I had to come out of her car side.

[00:25:45] And there's a lot of different things that happen when you remarry.

[00:25:50] Like it's just, it's not going to be the same.

[00:25:53] So let's talk about some of the things in, um, when you're having open communication, what

[00:25:58] are some of the things that are important?

[00:26:00] Uh, like tone, tonality.

[00:26:03] Oh, tonality is so important.

[00:26:05] And, you know, blaming others, you know, blaming each other.

[00:26:09] No, you can't.

[00:26:10] It's like, we got to be more creative.

[00:26:12] Rather than you, you come with I.

[00:26:14] And sometimes if you can incorporate we in there.

[00:26:17] And creative criticism.

[00:26:19] To remind it's a, it's a team.

[00:26:20] Yeah.

[00:26:21] I mean, you guys are in this together.

[00:26:22] It's a weird criticism, but yeah.

[00:26:24] But it happens.

[00:26:25] It happens.

[00:26:26] I mean, the whole point of having an argument sometimes is where you're, you're upset because

[00:26:34] you're not being seen or because you're, you're, something's not happening in the relationship

[00:26:38] and you need to talk about it.

[00:26:40] And that's like, how do we make this happen?

[00:26:42] Well, when you come up, you say, I've been feeling really, or listen, I really need to

[00:26:48] talk to you because this is bothering me.

[00:26:50] It's been bothering me for a day.

[00:26:51] It's been bothering me for years.

[00:26:53] That's exactly how, that's a great way of coming up.

[00:26:55] And when we haven't come up to each other like that, it obviously doesn't turn out as

[00:27:00] well.

[00:27:00] Right.

[00:27:01] Absolutely.

[00:27:02] When it becomes a blame game, you know, like, oh, why are you keep leaving this out?

[00:27:06] Or why is this a, you know, I, I'm usually on the, the other end of that.

[00:27:11] Like, why are you not cleaning this?

[00:27:13] Or why are you dirtying this?

[00:27:15] Something like that I did.

[00:27:18] And, and when I get, I don't know, I just, I guess I do that a lot.

[00:27:23] I don't know.

[00:27:23] So, but it's a guy thing.

[00:27:25] I think.

[00:27:26] But I'm.

[00:27:27] It's a guy thing because.

[00:27:28] I'm a work in progress.

[00:27:29] As women, we handle everything.

[00:27:32] I'm a work in progress.

[00:27:33] And then sometimes, sometimes we don't say a word and we just handle everything.

[00:27:36] And then one day all of a sudden it's like, uh, you know what?

[00:27:39] I, I, can you just like, do I have to tell you every single time?

[00:27:45] Hey, it hasn't been that long since I lift the toilet seat up.

[00:27:48] Can you make my life easier?

[00:27:50] At least you don't got to tell me to lift the toilet seat up anymore.

[00:27:52] Oh dear.

[00:27:53] Well, you can do whatever you want.

[00:27:55] It's your bathroom.

[00:27:56] We don't, no sharing.

[00:27:58] Now I got my own bathroom.

[00:27:59] You can do what you want.

[00:28:01] That, that, that worked.

[00:28:02] That strategy worked.

[00:28:04] So yeah.

[00:28:05] There's so just having that, when you have that type of communication, being careful

[00:28:09] about tonality and blaming.

[00:28:11] Yeah.

[00:28:12] That's good.

[00:28:13] Get better at that.

[00:28:13] One thing we never bring up.

[00:28:15] We never, ever, ever in our relationship.

[00:28:18] And even since the beginning, because I've always, I've always believed in marriage.

[00:28:21] I always thought it was important and it always was important to me, um, to never bring up

[00:28:26] the word divorce and it should never be a conversation that's on the table for us.

[00:28:31] By the time when you start saying that you're already there.

[00:28:34] You're already there.

[00:28:36] Well, I feel like your words are so powerful that it brings it in.

[00:28:42] And then in the back, how can you not help, but prepare?

[00:28:46] I mean, for me, the words I'm out of here for me, that would prepare me.

[00:28:52] And I didn't mention this earlier.

[00:28:54] And when I talk to a lot of other women or even men, because it's sometimes it's just

[00:29:01] a word that you say, but it triggers something in the back of your head that says, okay,

[00:29:06] now I hate him.

[00:29:08] Um, that way that'll make me feel safe because if I don't love him anymore, this won't hurt.

[00:29:14] And what things can I do so that this doesn't hurt?

[00:29:17] Okay.

[00:29:17] You know what?

[00:29:18] And just not even, I'm not even going to, I'm not even going to care, but that's creating

[00:29:23] distance.

[00:29:24] So that's a very dangerous thing to play on.

[00:29:28] So when you bring up the D word, I don't even like to bring it up, but when you bring

[00:29:33] up the D word, it will cause something in the back of your head to start preparing.

[00:29:39] Could it even cause you to start being friendlier with strangers or looking at your Rolodex to

[00:29:48] see, well, if that does happen, then maybe I could fall back on this person.

[00:29:53] This is like worst case scenario, but I'm just saying, don't even bring it up because you

[00:29:58] don't even want someone to crazily start thinking like that.

[00:30:03] Yeah.

[00:30:04] I think one of the things that we had, one of the conversations that we had,

[00:30:09] that helped me realize that me wanting to get away for a second, which in my head, I

[00:30:17] was just like, I just need 10 minutes to breathe, but you took it.

[00:30:21] I might as well have said, I want a divorce.

[00:30:23] I'm out of here.

[00:30:24] Yes.

[00:30:24] And that's how I heard it.

[00:30:26] Yeah.

[00:30:26] That's how you heard it because that you were going through, you have these daddy issues

[00:30:30] that you were dealing with.

[00:30:31] Yes.

[00:30:32] And, and, and I didn't understand that because it, in my head, there was no way that divorce

[00:30:37] was on the table.

[00:30:38] Right.

[00:30:39] It wasn't, it was a, it was a simple disagreement, you know, but when I said.

[00:30:42] But it was much, it turned into something much bigger in my heart.

[00:30:47] Yeah.

[00:30:47] Right or wrong guys.

[00:30:49] Sometimes I don't want to say things that I don't mean.

[00:30:53] And so my way of taking a 10 minute breath is going.

[00:30:57] It's to think about how to communicate.

[00:30:58] Yes.

[00:30:59] How do I communicate this with her so that it isn't an argument because it's most of the

[00:31:04] time it's something kind of stupid and it's not stupid for you.

[00:31:08] Not stupid for the other person.

[00:31:11] Very important to the other person.

[00:31:12] And we don't say that word because kids are listening.

[00:31:13] Right.

[00:31:14] Very important for the other person.

[00:31:16] And I just wanted to get it right.

[00:31:18] And I didn't want to say things I didn't mean.

[00:31:20] And I didn't want to raise my voice.

[00:31:22] So it was a way for me to calm down.

[00:31:24] And if your partner understands that, and Ildiko definitely knows that about me now.

[00:31:31] She knows I just need 10 minutes to calm myself down and figure out the best way to communicate

[00:31:35] and fix this problem and listen.

[00:31:38] Because guys, we try to fix things too much.

[00:31:41] Sometimes we just need to listen.

[00:31:43] And many times.

[00:31:44] Or sometimes shut it down because you don't want to.

[00:31:46] Because it is hard.

[00:31:48] It is hard to listen.

[00:31:49] Sometimes you want to shut it down because it is triggering.

[00:31:52] So it's definitely an exercise to work on.

[00:31:57] And that's the number one.

[00:31:59] Share your feelings honestly but gently.

[00:32:01] Speak your truth.

[00:32:02] But with a tone of care.

[00:32:04] And focus on expressing, not blaming, as Dan mentioned.

[00:32:09] And to keep the conversation constructive.

[00:32:11] Always have it going in a positive way.

[00:32:14] Climbing that ladder, walking up those stairs to the goal.

[00:32:18] The goal that you guys have.

[00:32:20] And also not interrupting is really important.

[00:32:21] Yeah, that's hard.

[00:32:22] I know.

[00:32:22] When you're in the heat of the moment, try to not interrupt and let someone finish their thought.

[00:32:28] Because that's important.

[00:32:30] Shutting it down.

[00:32:31] It's painful.

[00:32:32] It's painful for both sides of the party.

[00:32:34] And one of the things that we don't do this, but because we know how that we try to do our best to not interrupt each other and let each other have our space and have that conversation.

[00:32:47] Get that point out that they're trying to make.

[00:32:49] Yeah.

[00:32:49] But I know people have a conversational rock.

[00:32:52] In other words, whoever's holding the rock gets to speak.

[00:32:56] And you can do that in family time too.

[00:32:59] So if you feel like you need to do something like that, that means you can't talk unless you have the rock.

[00:33:04] Why didn't I just visualize someone running with the rock?

[00:33:08] I'm not done yet.

[00:33:09] Running around the house.

[00:33:11] Give me the rock.

[00:33:12] Give me the rock.

[00:33:13] It's my turn.

[00:33:14] I liken it to when they cut the mics off in the debate between the presidential debate.

[00:33:21] Oh my gosh.

[00:33:21] Oh dear.

[00:33:21] You know, it's like, hey, give each other that time to get out what they need to say.

[00:33:26] And then when they hand that rock over, they're like, okay, it's your turn.

[00:33:30] What is your response?

[00:33:31] It's important to feel heard.

[00:33:33] It's a different kind of love and it's a gift to give someone that opportunity to feel heard.

[00:33:41] And I understand that, especially being a mother, especially when you're dealing.

[00:33:46] Daniel, not so much.

[00:33:47] He's really great.

[00:33:48] But sometimes you have a hard time putting your thoughts into words.

[00:33:53] And my little girl, she has it.

[00:33:55] She has big emotions sometimes.

[00:33:59] And sometimes it's not even, she can't get it all out, but just wrapping my arms around

[00:34:05] her and I just whisper in her ear, I'm here for you.

[00:34:10] I understand.

[00:34:11] I'm here for you.

[00:34:12] Just take your time.

[00:34:13] And you can literally feel their body soften and you can use those tactics in your marriage

[00:34:19] and with your children, of course.

[00:34:22] Yeah.

[00:34:22] Yeah.

[00:34:23] Another thing is making some time throughout the week to have those conversations.

[00:34:28] I know.

[00:34:29] Oh yeah.

[00:34:29] Checking in with each other.

[00:34:30] We used to have family nights in my family where we would have those conversations and do

[00:34:37] other things, activities together and stuff.

[00:34:39] But, you know, having that time with your spouse where, and I try to ask you every morning,

[00:34:45] are you doing okay?

[00:34:45] Is everything good?

[00:34:46] I mean, it's, I know it sounds, it's more natural because you have, you're going through

[00:34:52] some physical issues, some medical issues too.

[00:34:54] And so I'm making sure every day, because I know you're going through some every day.

[00:34:59] Yes.

[00:35:00] And so I'm asking to make sure, hey, how's your health today?

[00:35:03] You know, how are you feeling today?

[00:35:05] Yeah.

[00:35:05] And it's funny because sometimes I just don't even want, I don't want to talk about it.

[00:35:08] You're like you did this morning.

[00:35:10] And I know you were going through some stuff this morning and I could see it in your face.

[00:35:15] And so me asking you was just wondering, you know, how are you doing?

[00:35:19] But that can be for, for how's the week going too?

[00:35:23] You know, what are you going through?

[00:35:24] What is, is there anything I can help you with?

[00:35:26] Guys, we can always ask, is there anything I can help you with?

[00:35:29] It's so easy to do.

[00:35:31] I know sometimes you feel like it's a stretch, but it's easy to do.

[00:35:36] Yeah.

[00:35:36] Yeah.

[00:35:36] I love the check.

[00:35:37] Is there anything I can help you with this week?

[00:35:39] Is there anything that you need help with?

[00:35:41] Even when we're going through so much, we feel like somebody should be asking us that.

[00:35:45] When you ask that to your spouse, it will be reciprocal.

[00:35:50] It will come from your spouse.

[00:35:52] It may not the first month or the second month or the third month, but it will come.

[00:35:57] There will be a time when it's reciprocal between you two and you find yourself both asking each other at certain points in the week or the month.

[00:36:07] How are you doing?

[00:36:08] Is there anything I can do to help you out?

[00:36:10] Well, and with our family and growing up, we of course had family days, but we had family meetings and that was once a week.

[00:36:19] And usually that was on Sundays.

[00:36:22] After church, we would check in with each other.

[00:36:25] What was the best part of the week?

[00:36:27] What we could have done better?

[00:36:29] And I do this especially if, say, Daniel or Destiny has, you know, sometimes they're at that age where they make not the best decisions.

[00:36:47] And then they learn from it.

[00:36:50] And we talk about it.

[00:36:52] How could I have handled this situation better?

[00:36:55] How could you have handled this situation better?

[00:36:58] And it leads to such a great conversation.

[00:37:01] So I love that.

[00:37:02] And family meetings.

[00:37:03] And then, of course, family meetings between your spouse.

[00:37:07] And then the last thing.

[00:37:09] Building each other up.

[00:37:10] It's super important.

[00:37:11] Like having positive words.

[00:37:13] It's such a part of everything that we do every day.

[00:37:16] I mean, we have.

[00:37:18] And guys, this is.

[00:37:19] I know this sounds corny.

[00:37:22] And there's so many times that people say things that they're not actually doing.

[00:37:25] And we try to tell you when we're not actually doing stuff that we're saying.

[00:37:30] It's like, it's a great idea.

[00:37:31] But sometimes we don't.

[00:37:33] We do other things.

[00:37:35] And, you know, us kind of like having conversations.

[00:37:38] We have conversations every day about how each other are doing.

[00:37:41] So we don't actually have a planned meeting.

[00:37:44] But we say it every day.

[00:37:45] Well, we do.

[00:37:46] We do.

[00:37:46] But we say it every day.

[00:37:47] Well, in our prayer meetings, we do that.

[00:37:49] So I think what about being positive is we have.

[00:37:54] We have programs playing in the background every day for our kids about positive messaging

[00:38:01] and motivation and and prayer and how to get closer to God and these things that are so

[00:38:09] important in our family.

[00:38:10] And when you're doing those things with your kids, when you're having those conversations

[00:38:14] with your spouse, those things will permeate throughout your relationship.

[00:38:20] And it's I think that that's kind of where what we're doing and what works for us is to

[00:38:27] keep it a part of everything that you do.

[00:38:29] It's in our prayer.

[00:38:30] It's in our conversations at night.

[00:38:33] It's in our conversations in the morning.

[00:38:35] It's playing.

[00:38:36] It's the books that we read.

[00:38:38] It's the these motivational videos that we're playing in the background on YouTube.

[00:38:44] Yeah.

[00:38:44] And it's the things we don't watch.

[00:38:46] It's the things we don't listen to.

[00:38:48] It's the things we guard our family against.

[00:38:51] And you got to do that.

[00:38:52] You got to watch out because there's a lot of negative messages and words in songs, in

[00:39:00] movies.

[00:39:00] You have to really guard yourself.

[00:39:02] And I also wanted to share Ephesians 4 29.

[00:39:08] Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for

[00:39:16] building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

[00:39:22] So that is so important.

[00:39:25] I love that one.

[00:39:26] You know, that's that.

[00:39:26] I mean, that could be spoken today by a Tony Robbins or whoever that I mean, that is a

[00:39:32] that is a perfect.

[00:39:33] The good book has all the lessons and it's true.

[00:39:37] It's true.

[00:39:37] It's true.

[00:39:38] It's true.

[00:39:38] It's true.

[00:39:39] Yeah.

[00:39:39] So important.

[00:39:40] So all of these things.

[00:39:41] So guys, again, and and of course, don't raise your voice.

[00:39:46] This this is try not to raise your voice in anything that you do with your spouse.

[00:39:50] Um, it will keep the conversations, uh, so much more productive.

[00:39:56] And, um, I hope you got something out of this today.

[00:40:00] Prioritizing open communication with your spouse.

[00:40:02] Remember, this is a 10 part series and your children and your children and in your business

[00:40:07] with dealing with, with your employees or whatever you're doing.

[00:40:10] Um, but this is so important for keeping your relationship strong.

[00:40:15] Um, this is the first, uh, a 10 part series.

[00:40:19] So I hope you guys continue to listen.

[00:40:21] I hope you guys got something from this message today.

[00:40:24] And if you guys have questions, be sure to leave them in the comments and we'll catch you

[00:40:29] guys next week.

[00:40:31] Yes.

[00:40:32] God bless you guys.

[00:40:33] We love you.

[00:40:37] I love you.

[00:41:03] Thank you again.

[00:41:04] And I'll see you next week.

[00:41:06] God bless.