Dangers of Ignoring Conflicts Rather Than Repairing Them; Divorce Proofing Your Marriage Part 6 of 10

[00:00:00] You need to have that conversation beforehand because for the person, in my head at that time, I was like, if he leaves, this is it.

[00:00:41] And had babies. Now we're figuring out the best ways to do both. Join us as we learn from other entrepreneurs going through the same life struggles. As they share their life hacks about success, love, kids. And everything in between.

[00:00:55] Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means. Quote by Ronald Reagan,

[00:01:06] People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget you made them feel. Quote by Maya Anderlew.

[00:01:18] Welcome to the Pretty and Punk Podcast. My name is Dan Caldwell and I'm here with my beautiful wife, Ildiko Ferenczi.

[00:01:25] And we're here for another great episode of our 10 part series of Divorce Proofing Your Marriage. And this is episode number six in that series.

[00:01:37] And it's something that is really important in marriages because this is the crash and burner. This is the one that if you don't get it right, because we're all going to come against differences.

[00:01:50] We're going to come against arguments and disagreements and things in our marriage. And if you don't know how to resolve conflict, you're going to have a problem.

[00:01:58] Yes, I think you need to commit to resolving conflicts rather than ignoring them because it is an uncomfortable situation when you're going head to head.

[00:02:11] And a lot of people want to run in the other direction where you have to learn, you have to get the tool and the skill, the tools and the skills on how to handle something like this.

[00:02:24] Yeah, we were just talking about right before we started the podcast. And you really it's it is a skill. It's and it's and you have to have the presence of mind in the middle of the storm sometimes to to say, look, we're not here to fight. We're on the same team. We got to fix this. And but before we jump into that.

[00:02:45] Yes.

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[00:03:51] This one isn't just a podcast episode. It's going to be your survival guide to creating a marriage that doesn't just survive, but thrives.

[00:04:03] So you need to commit to resolving your conflicts rather than ignoring them. That is first and foremost. What did you want to come in?

[00:04:15] Yeah, no, I just was going to say like, you can't be walking out the door because I'm, I'm like, I was famous when we first got together from, I just didn't want to fight. I mean, the whole point is I didn't want to fight.

[00:04:25] Right. So my head was in the right place. But the, but resolving the conflict was definitely not in the right. I was not thinking straight. And so I just wanted to leave when we wouldn't get along. And this is not about that.

[00:04:40] But this is about resolving your conflict so that you guys can be better coming out of your conflict than you were going into it.

[00:04:48] Right. And it's interesting that you say this because I have, I have something that I was going to say, but when you would leave, I would feel, I would feel abandoned or like my feelings weren't important.

[00:05:01] And I would be so hurt. And so, cause I'm, I'm a sensitive person. I would feel so hurt that I would start to hate. And that's where the danger seeps in where it would, it really does separate you.

[00:05:18] I mean, let's get real. Ignoring problems doesn't protect your peace. Although the enemy will make you think that, but it literally kills your connection brick by silent brick.

[00:05:32] And in this episode, we're diving into the raw truth about conflict and giving you the proven strategies to confront it with grace, love, and unwavering commitment to your marriage.

[00:05:45] Because the last thing you want to do is start hating each other to protect your hurt feelings and turning that into hate, because that's going to kill the intimacy.

[00:05:55] And if you don't have intimacy, you're going to start turning into siblings or roommates and whatever people complain about in the, the office when they're going to get help, when, when the love is dead.

[00:06:12] And you don't want to wait for that. We want to get that tactical stuff going that you can implement today right now.

[00:06:19] So what are the first things we want to deal with?

[00:06:21] Well, we want to talk about the hidden dangers of ignoring conflict. And we tapped on that.

[00:06:26] But ignoring conflict is like letting a small crack in a dam go unnoticed.

[00:06:32] It's only a matter of time before it breaks emotional distance, resentment, as we were talking about.

[00:06:38] And the distrust doesn't just appear overnight. It grows into this silence of unspoken pain.

[00:06:51] And it's incredibly painful when you've been emotionally fractured.

[00:06:56] Yeah, you leave things unfixed.

[00:06:57] And you leave them unfixed and then something else happens and then it's unfixed and something else happens.

[00:07:02] And these things are just piling on to each other.

[00:07:05] That's right.

[00:07:06] Until, until, you know, we know the outcome. You end up in divorce.

[00:07:10] Right. So couples who tackle conflicts head on are statistically more likely to have a fulfilling, lasting relationship.

[00:07:19] So don't get me wrong. Those moments are going to be hard.

[00:07:22] But you have to get together and work on them together.

[00:07:27] Sweeping conflict under the rug only creates a landmine for your marriage.

[00:07:33] So stop burying pain and start building peace.

[00:07:41] And it just starts with a simple conversation.

[00:07:45] And your words. And the words that you use.

[00:07:48] You have to be so careful with the words that you choose.

[00:07:51] You have to be careful with the tonality.

[00:07:53] You have to be careful with, obviously, you can't call each other names.

[00:07:58] Again, those are triggers.

[00:08:00] It just, people think, and of course, oh gosh, if you're in an abusive relationship, you need to get help right away.

[00:08:09] But sometimes words can be so incredibly painful that it's like a blow.

[00:08:15] A blow to your heart.

[00:08:16] It's a blow to your soul.

[00:08:18] It's a punch in the gut.

[00:08:20] So you really, really have to be careful with those things.

[00:08:23] Yeah, for both sides.

[00:08:24] Both sides, absolutely.

[00:08:27] I think in a relationship, there's points where a man can say some things that can be very hurtful.

[00:08:37] And they almost sound dangerous because the way we speak sometimes.

[00:08:40] Yeah.

[00:08:40] You know, our voices carry a little more.

[00:08:46] They're strong.

[00:08:46] And you have to be aware of that.

[00:08:48] You have strong voices.

[00:08:49] And in that same breath, you know, men are, when sometimes when our hearts are open and a woman, you know, the person that we love the most in this world,

[00:09:03] the person that we're hoping is looking up to us and looking to us for, you know, respect and looking for us for guidance, I should say.

[00:09:12] And they say something that hurts our ego.

[00:09:16] So that's a punch in the gut for a guy, you know, can literally bring a guy down to his knees.

[00:09:22] Yes.

[00:09:25] Because she's the person who he wants most to look up to him.

[00:09:29] Right.

[00:09:29] And encourage him.

[00:09:30] And so when she doesn't, it can really hurt a guy.

[00:09:33] Yeah, absolutely.

[00:09:34] So we, we both as male and females, husbands and wives in these relationships, we have to be so careful with choosing our words.

[00:09:43] You can build or break someone a hundred percent.

[00:09:46] And number two, we're going to slide in to committing to resolving the conflicts no matter what.

[00:09:53] You just have to commit to it.

[00:09:55] It may be ugly, but you just have to, you just have to commit a mutual agreement.

[00:10:02] Make a vow to your partner to never leave a conflict unresolved.

[00:10:08] This commitment is the foundation of a strong, lasting marriage.

[00:10:13] And I know that there's a lot of avoidance out there and it seems easy to avoid the situation, but I'm telling you,

[00:10:22] it's only going to cause those big cracks and divides and fractures in the marriage.

[00:10:27] And it's important to set boundaries for arguments.

[00:10:30] And these are things that you guys have to discuss beforehand.

[00:10:35] No yelling, no personal attacks and absolutely no walking out.

[00:10:41] Respect is non-negotiable.

[00:10:44] And some biblical wisdom here, do not let, and this is in the good book,

[00:10:49] do not let the sun go down while you're still angry.

[00:10:55] Ephesians 4.26.

[00:10:57] Because I like to, you know, I like to clear my mind and I get it because I remember one time when we were at,

[00:11:07] you were at my place when my, the first beach house and in Malibu and you,

[00:11:12] I, we were arguing about something and I just tried to leave and you wouldn't let me leave.

[00:11:16] You like block the door.

[00:11:18] Like you're not leaving.

[00:11:19] We're having this out right now.

[00:11:21] And I'm like, I don't want to like leave, leave.

[00:11:23] I just want to go outside.

[00:11:25] But of course I didn't tell you this.

[00:11:27] I'm like, I'm leaving.

[00:11:28] And you're like, no, you're not.

[00:11:30] And I'm in my head.

[00:11:31] I felt like it was so childish.

[00:11:33] I'm like, what do you mean you're going to leave?

[00:11:35] Well, because you're probably thinking that I'm leaving, leaving.

[00:11:39] Like I'm jumping in my car, drive away.

[00:11:41] I just wanted to go out and get some air.

[00:11:44] See, and that's my brain.

[00:11:45] Yeah.

[00:11:46] Yeah.

[00:11:46] And I get that.

[00:11:47] I get that now.

[00:11:48] But you, I feel like you need to have that conversation beforehand because for the person in my head at that time,

[00:11:58] I was like, if he leaves, this is it.

[00:12:01] We're not, I'm not, I'm not going to put up with this anymore.

[00:12:04] I don't want to deal with this where I sit and then, because you used to do this thing where you would come back and pretend that nothing happened.

[00:12:13] And I was like, no, because my heart inside is still shattered.

[00:12:18] And then, but I don't want to go back to that place because it is uncomfortable.

[00:12:23] And I don't want to see you get like that again because it hurts.

[00:12:27] So we'd pretend that nothing happened and it would just get worse and worse and worse.

[00:12:34] Because that's true for a lot of us guys.

[00:12:36] Thank God we figured it out.

[00:12:36] When, you know, when we get past something, it's done.

[00:12:40] It's done.

[00:12:40] You know, when guys, and that comes from, and I don't know what part of that, I should say that guys know, you know, when our friends or something,

[00:12:49] when we have a little bit of a conflict, sometimes we'll, you know, there's guys that'll, we'll punch things out.

[00:12:55] We'll fight it out.

[00:12:56] When we're done, we'll like, we'll get up, shake hands and be like, well, no, I know.

[00:12:59] But I'm talking about guy friends, you know, two guy friends, they might like get into conflict.

[00:13:04] You might see them punch it out and then stand back up, shake hands and go, okay, man.

[00:13:08] Okay.

[00:13:09] And then everything's cool.

[00:13:10] We're, we've, you know, we forget in a moment and we're past it and we're like on to let's, okay, let's move forward.

[00:13:17] Let's get past this.

[00:13:17] We don't need to fight about this.

[00:13:19] Women want to figure this stuff out.

[00:13:21] Right.

[00:13:21] And it's the right thing.

[00:13:22] It is the right thing to figure this thing out.

[00:13:24] And I think that that's where the danger sets in.

[00:13:27] I mean, even if Ephesians, as we were just saying for 26, the whole point of that is that marriage isn't about avoiding anger.

[00:13:36] Anger is going to come up.

[00:13:38] It's going to come up in different parts and different, um, uh, years of your marriage.

[00:13:45] I want to, there's a better word for that, but different, different, uh, what different years of your marriage.

[00:13:52] And it, the truth is it's about resolve seasons.

[00:13:56] Yes.

[00:13:56] Yes.

[00:13:57] Seasons.

[00:13:57] That's a good one.

[00:13:57] It's about resolving it before it hardens into resentment, because that's the thing.

[00:14:04] A lot of, most of the time, the resentment is where the woman doesn't want to be touched anymore.

[00:14:13] She's got so much resentment.

[00:14:15] She cannot be touched.

[00:14:17] She cannot be held.

[00:14:19] She cannot move into intimacy.

[00:14:21] And when you lose that intimacy, that's what the enemy wants.

[00:14:25] When you don't have that intimacy, it's over.

[00:14:28] It's a downward spiral.

[00:14:30] Right.

[00:14:31] It heads to divorce.

[00:14:32] So if you're at that point where there's so much resentment, you guys have a lot of work to do to be able to open that, that softness again, that, that intimacy that where, where you can lean into each other.

[00:14:49] So let's slide into.

[00:14:50] Before we jump into that real quick, I just wanted to give, um, on a podcast, I wish I remembered the name.

[00:14:55] I remember the podcast, but I didn't find the parts.

[00:14:57] Okay.

[00:14:58] The five things that we never bring up in a fight.

[00:15:00] And we just, just for you guys to mark, to, to write down, is this something that we put together, uh, years back, five years ago when, when we were having conflicts here and there.

[00:15:11] Um, and that's, uh, the five things.

[00:15:14] Never to use the word divorce in your arguments.

[00:15:17] Um, because once you go there, um, it gets, it becomes a trigger for, for one of the other partners.

[00:15:25] A misunderstanding.

[00:15:25] I'm leaving.

[00:15:26] Yeah.

[00:15:26] It becomes, I'm out of here.

[00:15:28] Yeah.

[00:15:28] It becomes your go to.

[00:15:29] And then it just hurts.

[00:15:30] Yeah.

[00:15:31] It's a trigger for the other person.

[00:15:32] It's just not right.

[00:15:33] We don't need to go there.

[00:15:34] Uh, the other thing is, uh, remind each other at some point, the one thing that can always

[00:15:38] stop an argument.

[00:15:39] And we do this, uh, sometimes if things get a little heated, you grab your partner's hand

[00:15:46] and just say, look, we're on the same team.

[00:15:48] It's such a, it will, it will, it's like takes all the steam out of an argument.

[00:15:53] Yeah.

[00:15:54] Right then, right there on the spot.

[00:15:56] It, try it.

[00:15:57] I promise you it works.

[00:15:58] We're on the same team.

[00:16:00] Hold your partner's hand.

[00:16:01] We're on the same team.

[00:16:03] Another thing.

[00:16:03] Don't raise your voice.

[00:16:05] Try not to raise your voice.

[00:16:06] And if people are raising each other's voice and believe me, we do it.

[00:16:09] We sometimes, when we get a little heated, the voices start coming up.

[00:16:13] Just remind each other.

[00:16:14] Let's, let's not yell.

[00:16:16] Let's just talk about this.

[00:16:17] Yeah.

[00:16:17] And I think one partner or the other be the better partner.

[00:16:21] Right.

[00:16:21] And I think as parents, you are good at that.

[00:16:25] I think moms are like for me, your kids don't need to hear this.

[00:16:28] Right.

[00:16:28] For me, sometimes I'm feeling overstimulated and you know, it's mommy, mommy, mommy.

[00:16:35] And, and I could feel myself getting like, I want to say like, just give me, can you give

[00:16:40] me, I'm cooking.

[00:16:41] Give me a minute.

[00:16:42] It's, and I just have to pull that back and just come at, this is his first time being,

[00:16:50] you know, a little boy.

[00:16:52] He's just got some questions, something super sweet and exciting.

[00:16:56] Don't cut them off yet.

[00:16:58] And I, these are the thoughts that go in through my brain and this is his first experience.

[00:17:03] And, and I could turn this into something really ugly and uncomfortable, or I could just cool

[00:17:11] my, I'm the, I'm the adult.

[00:17:13] I could just cool myself.

[00:17:14] What is it, baby?

[00:17:15] What is it, darling?

[00:17:16] And even just use the word darling, baby.

[00:17:21] These are things that I use because it almost triggers me into becoming even more loving and

[00:17:28] caring.

[00:17:28] So I feel like as mothers, well, that's what I'm saying as mothers and fathers, because

[00:17:34] of this experience, it's easier for us to fall into, you know, just reminders of the heat.

[00:17:42] He was a little boy too.

[00:17:44] He's a little, he's, he's got this little boy inside him and I've got this little girl

[00:17:48] inside me.

[00:17:49] I need, I need fathering.

[00:17:51] I need someone to love me like a father.

[00:17:55] And we haven't spoken about it yet, but the truth is that we all have baggage inside of

[00:18:00] us that are triggered.

[00:18:02] And that's the reason we're arguing.

[00:18:04] Yeah, that's true.

[00:18:05] That's true.

[00:18:05] But I don't want to get off.

[00:18:06] I'm going to fat last two here.

[00:18:08] Go, go, go.

[00:18:09] Put yourself in their shoes.

[00:18:10] If you're, if you're in the middle of an argument, put yourself in their shoes so that

[00:18:14] you can kind of understand what they're going through, why, why they're, why this argument's

[00:18:19] coming up.

[00:18:20] If they're, they're the ones that are having the problem.

[00:18:23] So put yourself in their shoes for a second, just to try to understand where they're coming

[00:18:26] from.

[00:18:27] And last but not least, and probably the most important, listen, just listen, just stop

[00:18:33] yelling, stop talking and shut up for one second.

[00:18:37] Oh, don't say that word.

[00:18:38] There's kids listening.

[00:18:39] Okay.

[00:18:39] Don't say, please be quiet is the word.

[00:18:41] We don't use the word, but no, we don't.

[00:18:44] You know the word.

[00:18:45] Stop talking for a second and just listen to your partner for a second.

[00:18:49] Because if you can be a good listener and this happened, this is in all things, be a

[00:18:54] great listener.

[00:18:55] Yeah.

[00:18:55] Because it will, it will figure things out.

[00:18:57] In business too.

[00:18:57] You'll figure things out if you're just listening.

[00:19:00] If you're too busy talking, you're never going to figure this out.

[00:19:02] Because you're a great problem solver as parents.

[00:19:06] As business people, as entrepreneurs.

[00:19:08] Men, women, entrepreneurs, you're a great problem solver.

[00:19:10] Just listen and then, and then challenge yourself.

[00:19:13] Come up with the resolution.

[00:19:15] So I think that that's really good.

[00:19:18] It'll compliment what I'm sliding into.

[00:19:20] I'm sliding into the blueprint for peace, peaceful conflict resolution.

[00:19:26] And I'm going to start with the I statement over you.

[00:19:30] Because that just, that just slides right into blame.

[00:19:34] So you try to use the word I.

[00:19:37] Words can build bridges or, or, or, um, or, or burn, burn them down.

[00:19:43] It could, it could literally burn your relationship down.

[00:19:47] So instead of.

[00:19:58] I know what you mean.

[00:20:03] Because I feel like, I feel like you're in your phone a lot more this week or this month

[00:20:10] than you have been lately.

[00:20:12] And, and the, the truth, Brom, is that blame fuels division.

[00:20:18] Vulnerability builds connections.

[00:20:20] So if you come to them with this, this, I feel, and I hope that your spouse is able to, to listen.

[00:20:29] And, and, um, I know that you're not going into it as an attack, but sometimes you're just so

[00:20:35] overwhelmed and you may choose the wrong words.

[00:20:38] And then it feels like an attack.

[00:20:40] And if your, your wife or your husband has any childhood trauma that could trigger that, um,

[00:20:50] what was that that we were talking about?

[00:20:52] Well, defensiveness.

[00:20:54] I texted it to you.

[00:20:54] The defensiveness.

[00:20:55] Yeah.

[00:20:56] I mean, if you're, if you're, those type of words make you want to be defensive.

[00:21:01] Right.

[00:21:01] But if you have any.

[00:21:02] It's a natural reaction.

[00:21:03] That's right.

[00:21:03] That's right.

[00:21:04] But if you have any kind of trauma that stems back to childhood, that, that, that triggers

[00:21:10] that, then you have to be so careful with the words.

[00:21:14] And I feel like defensiveness.

[00:21:15] I sometimes am not that good with that.

[00:21:18] And then you get super defensive and then you, you, you say you're attacking me.

[00:21:24] And I'm like, no, I swear, I swear I'm not attacking you.

[00:21:27] But what I've realized is I'm not always choosing the right word.

[00:21:31] So we have that sometimes.

[00:21:33] And here's the thing is like, we're trying to use the words and sometimes you're, you're

[00:21:37] mad.

[00:21:37] And then I hate that word attack.

[00:21:39] Cause I'm like, I'm not a violent person.

[00:21:41] You're the ex cop.

[00:21:42] I'm like, listen, I feel like you're, I'm trying to say, I feel like you're attacking me,

[00:21:46] but it comes out.

[00:21:48] You're attacking me.

[00:21:49] And so, so we just have to, it's all communication.

[00:21:55] It's just communication.

[00:21:55] Right.

[00:21:56] And then, so I'm going to slide into, and this is still the blueprint here, but cool

[00:22:01] down to come back stronger.

[00:22:04] Heat of the moment arguments leave deep scars.

[00:22:07] So be careful.

[00:22:08] And this is the part where, where, you know, as men, your voice or the words that you choose,

[00:22:15] maybe not the best choices in the moment.

[00:22:18] So before leaving those deep scars, step back, breathe and revisit the conversation with clarity

[00:22:25] and love.

[00:22:26] And, and here's a key tip, agree on a specific time to really, as, as Dan was saying, when

[00:22:32] he used to say, I'm out of here or whatever.

[00:22:34] And this is so long ago, but it would really trigger me because I've, I've got abandonment

[00:22:40] issues.

[00:22:41] I said, I got to go or something, whatever.

[00:22:44] But in my head and in my heart, it felt like I'm out of here.

[00:22:48] You don't matter.

[00:22:49] You're not important.

[00:22:51] It's an, I'm like, I don't want to say that.

[00:22:55] Then it'll be over.

[00:22:56] It'll be over in my head.

[00:22:58] This is what I would soothe myself with.

[00:23:00] We're never going to, we're never going to feel like this again.

[00:23:03] If that's what they're thinking, here's the thing is when I didn't realize, but if

[00:23:08] they're saying, but if you're fighting me for me to stay, you got to understand guys,

[00:23:13] like this is, this is the stuff that I didn't know at that time is that if they're fighting

[00:23:19] for you to stay, that means they love you and they want you to stay and they want to work

[00:23:25] it out with you.

[00:23:26] But we're like fighting, like we got, I got to get out of here.

[00:23:29] Like I got, I'm being like, I can't deal with this.

[00:23:32] But the truth is they're fighting for you guys.

[00:23:35] If you would see into that, you would understand that, Hey, we can work this out.

[00:23:43] We just got to figure out and be using the right words and respect each other and have

[00:23:47] some boundaries involved in this conversation.

[00:23:49] And you guys are going to work through this.

[00:23:51] That's right.

[00:23:51] So agree on that specific time to return to the discussion.

[00:23:55] Never let cooling down turn into avoidance.

[00:23:59] So always come back to it.

[00:24:00] Then we're going to move into clear, focus on clarity, not winning.

[00:24:05] Don't focus on winning because you're not, you're not fighting each other.

[00:24:10] You're fighting for that goal.

[00:24:11] Conflict isn't a competition.

[00:24:13] It's a collaboration.

[00:24:15] Instead of trying to win, focus on understanding.

[00:24:19] Ask what do you need from me?

[00:24:22] Husband or wife?

[00:24:23] Or how can we fix this together?

[00:24:25] Remember there's a goal.

[00:24:27] So those are two questions and if I was you, I would write it down because it's not the

[00:24:33] winning.

[00:24:33] It's not he's wrong.

[00:24:35] She's wrong.

[00:24:36] What do you need from me?

[00:24:38] And how can we fix this together?

[00:24:40] Those are two great.

[00:24:41] I tell my people all the time.

[00:24:42] Do you want to win the battle or do you want to win the war?

[00:24:47] Here's the thing.

[00:24:48] Look, there's a time to know when the battle's lost, but we can win the war here if we're doing

[00:24:54] the right thing.

[00:24:55] We're not going to, we're not going to win this battle.

[00:24:58] Okay.

[00:24:58] First of all, let me tell you the truth, guys.

[00:25:00] You're never going to win an argument with a woman.

[00:25:02] Stop.

[00:25:03] You can't.

[00:25:04] You're not going to win.

[00:25:05] If you win, you lose because she's both ways.

[00:25:10] No, but it's true.

[00:25:11] She's we're not.

[00:25:12] I don't.

[00:25:12] I'm never trying to win.

[00:25:14] If I win the argument.

[00:25:16] In other words, if I force the win on you, you're going to be upset.

[00:25:21] You're not going to be happy and I'm going to lose anyway.

[00:25:25] Listen to.

[00:25:26] And if I, and if I win or if I lose, I lose.

[00:25:29] So if I lose, I lose.

[00:25:30] If I win, I lose.

[00:25:31] I don't, I'm not going to win.

[00:25:33] There's no winning outcome.

[00:25:34] In the past.

[00:25:35] I remember just, okay, fine.

[00:25:37] You win.

[00:25:37] You win.

[00:25:38] You win.

[00:25:39] But I was like, I know he's wrong.

[00:25:41] I'm wrong.

[00:25:42] We're both wrong.

[00:25:43] But you, for some reason, want to win.

[00:25:45] I never made sense.

[00:25:46] So the conversation has to be had so you can figure out the core problem of what's going

[00:25:52] on and you guys can fix it.

[00:25:54] Yeah.

[00:25:55] What do you need from me and how can we fix this together?

[00:25:57] Those are just two.

[00:25:58] Those are just two examples.

[00:26:00] Now we're going to slide into number four.

[00:26:03] And this is, you mentioned it.

[00:26:04] It's active listening.

[00:26:06] This is a superpower of marriage.

[00:26:08] Real listening isn't waiting for your turn to speak while you're stewing inside.

[00:26:15] It's leaning in with the intent to understand because that's going to give you all the clues

[00:26:22] that you need to solve the problem.

[00:26:25] Practical tip, guys, reflect what you've heard.

[00:26:29] Reflect.

[00:26:30] It sounds like you feel overwhelmed because I haven't been helping enough.

[00:26:34] Is that right?

[00:26:35] Right.

[00:26:35] So just try to understand how they're unpacking it and then reflect.

[00:26:43] Yeah.

[00:26:43] Because you can ask questions through this.

[00:26:45] You know, it's like you don't have to know everything.

[00:26:47] Figure it out as you go by asking questions.

[00:26:50] Yes.

[00:26:50] And the truth is...

[00:26:52] You guys are so good.

[00:26:53] Listen.

[00:26:54] You guys build businesses.

[00:26:55] You guys are good at this.

[00:26:57] We're problem solvers.

[00:26:58] You can do it.

[00:26:59] We fix these things.

[00:27:00] We just have to understand the problem.

[00:27:02] And even as an entrepreneur, when you're going through this in your business, you're asking

[00:27:07] questions to figure it out.

[00:27:08] These are the same tools you're probably applying to your business.

[00:27:11] Yes.

[00:27:12] But for some reason, when you come home, you can't apply the same techniques because it's

[00:27:19] an emotional thing.

[00:27:20] That's right.

[00:27:21] And it's hard to go there.

[00:27:22] And you have to be in the state of mind where you're ready to go there and when you need

[00:27:27] to go there.

[00:27:28] Yeah.

[00:27:28] And even if you're not ready, you still have to go there.

[00:27:30] Because, and listen, couples who actively listen are more emotionally connected and resolve

[00:27:37] conflicts faster.

[00:27:39] And this is a fact from the Gottman Institute.

[00:27:42] Now, another thing, practical strategy.

[00:27:46] This is a practical strategy, the cool down and return rule.

[00:27:52] And this is something that either partner can call for a cool down when emotions escalate.

[00:28:00] There's no shame.

[00:28:01] There's no blame.

[00:28:02] Use a break to reflect, not ruminate as we were talking about before.

[00:28:07] Don't let it stew within you.

[00:28:08] And ask yourself, what's my role in this conflict?

[00:28:13] And what's my desired outcome?

[00:28:16] When you return, start with the unity.

[00:28:20] I have had some time to think and I'm ready to work on this with you.

[00:28:25] I'm ready.

[00:28:26] Yeah.

[00:28:26] Let's do it.

[00:28:27] Let's really, I love you.

[00:28:29] I love our marriage.

[00:28:31] I love our family.

[00:28:32] If you have children, I love our children.

[00:28:35] I want, I want to make this work.

[00:28:37] I want to fix it.

[00:28:37] And if you're both committed to, like, if you can have that conversation together, you

[00:28:43] will figure it out.

[00:28:45] I mean, we're great problem solvers guys.

[00:28:47] Yeah, we are.

[00:28:48] You guys are.

[00:28:49] When we let our emotions get in front of it, we won't look through the fog to figure it

[00:28:56] out.

[00:28:57] And we have to, we have to, we have to stand back and go, look, we can figure this out together.

[00:29:03] We're on the same team.

[00:29:05] And I told you, grab her hand or, or, or ladies, if you have the presence of mind to

[00:29:11] grab his hand.

[00:29:13] Yeah.

[00:29:13] And just tell each other you're on the same team.

[00:29:16] You guys will figure this out together.

[00:29:18] Right.

[00:29:19] So conflict prevention techniques.

[00:29:23] Let's talk about that.

[00:29:24] So I feel like daily check-ins create a ritual where you ask or a routine.

[00:29:31] I don't even like that word.

[00:29:32] And I mean, I know it feels kind of weird.

[00:29:34] And, and I mean, I do different things today.

[00:29:38] I asked you what I asked you today.

[00:29:39] I said, Oh, can I help you with anything?

[00:29:42] And I'm just looking, I'm really looking to, can I help you with that?

[00:29:46] Right.

[00:29:46] Can I help you with something?

[00:29:47] Can I help you with anything?

[00:29:48] Right.

[00:29:48] Because I could, I was like, I could see you were maybe a little bit frustrated about

[00:29:53] something.

[00:29:53] And usually I like to just jump in and help if I, if I see something, that's what we should

[00:29:58] be doing guys.

[00:29:59] If you see something, don't ask, just jump in and help.

[00:30:03] You don't need to ask your wife.

[00:30:04] You don't need to ask her permission to help jump in and help.

[00:30:07] Right.

[00:30:07] And that's what we should be doing anyways.

[00:30:09] But if you don't see something and you see it, sense a little frustration, just ask because

[00:30:14] maybe she's battling with something or something's going on that you don't see.

[00:30:18] Right.

[00:30:18] Can I help with anything?

[00:30:19] Yeah, that's a good question.

[00:30:21] That's a good one.

[00:30:22] And how are you feeling or what's on your mind today?

[00:30:25] Just little, little things that you can, especially if she's going through something.

[00:30:30] Yeah, your little check-ins.

[00:30:31] And this builds emotional intimacy and prevents issues from festering.

[00:30:38] It really does.

[00:30:39] It really does.

[00:30:39] It may seem super simple, but it's something to just start adding into your daily routine.

[00:30:46] And then frequent appreciation.

[00:30:48] And I know this is really hard when you're already at the point of resentment because you have

[00:30:55] this hate and anger.

[00:30:56] So it's like, I don't want to say that I appreciate anything because I'm just, I got so much.

[00:31:01] But just, just try to show appreciation.

[00:31:07] Gratitude transforms the atmosphere of a marriage.

[00:31:11] Make it a habit to notice and thank your partner for the little things.

[00:31:15] It just starts with the little things.

[00:31:18] Gratitude is the antidote to resentment.

[00:31:22] Don't forget that.

[00:31:23] And I think, you know, I'm really, I think I'm pretty good.

[00:31:27] I think, I don't want toot my own horn here, but I think I'm pretty good at,

[00:31:31] I say thank you a lot for things that you do, right?

[00:31:34] Like, I mean, yeah, lately you have been lately.

[00:31:37] What are you talking about lately?

[00:31:38] What are you talking about?

[00:31:40] Say, okay, now I'm getting defensive.

[00:31:41] What?

[00:31:42] Well, I think I'm good at that.

[00:31:44] Here's what I think I need to work on.

[00:31:46] Here's what I really think I need to work on is that I can thank you for like,

[00:31:51] I thank you for dinner tonight.

[00:31:52] Yeah.

[00:31:53] I thank you for dinner.

[00:31:53] But what I need to work on is the dinner was, well, I did say how great it was.

[00:32:00] But I think I like to, what we should be doing is also pointing out something positive,

[00:32:07] you know, something specific.

[00:32:08] And we were talking about this to another couple is women need assurance and just slide it in there,

[00:32:18] compliments about how they're looking or, you know, just tell them that they're beautiful,

[00:32:25] all the things that they don't get to hear that often.

[00:32:29] And you know, what's so beautiful about that is just that reassurance all the time.

[00:32:35] They feel like they're especially, you know, as mothers, a lot of times we feel like we're losing our identity.

[00:32:41] We've gone from these crazy, powerful jobs.

[00:32:45] And then we have these little babies that we're watching, which is honestly the most important.

[00:32:51] It is.

[00:32:51] The most important.

[00:32:53] But it feels like you're not being appreciated.

[00:32:55] You don't feel as important.

[00:32:57] You walk into a room, everybody stands up and everybody, you know, it's different when you're in that business

[00:33:03] or you've built that business.

[00:33:05] You see that respect when you walk in there, but then you walk into the room and nobody notices anymore.

[00:33:12] So give her, especially if she's, you know, those degrees and built those big businesses,

[00:33:20] just give her something because she's struggling inside.

[00:33:25] She may not talk about it because she knows that this is the best thing that's ever happened to her.

[00:33:31] But inside, emotionally, there's things going on.

[00:33:35] So just give her those.

[00:33:38] Yeah, because there's a time when you can say, she's going to say something to you.

[00:33:44] Yeah.

[00:33:44] Maybe give you an idea and you can say, that's, you know, that's a great idea.

[00:33:48] And it may be a pretty good idea, but you could, you could add a little something to it, you know,

[00:33:54] make her feel good and point out the reason why it was such a great idea.

[00:33:59] And we all need to get better at that, guys.

[00:34:02] There's, there's always room for improvement.

[00:34:04] I think I said, I did say how pretty you looked in that purple outfit yesterday.

[00:34:09] But, but yeah, we can always be better guys.

[00:34:12] Yeah.

[00:34:13] So let's try to just remember those little, it's, it's little things, but, but sometimes, you know,

[00:34:19] when we have the babies and, and so much is going on with our hormones, there's going through our heads.

[00:34:27] Action steps for couples.

[00:34:29] Make the commitment today.

[00:34:31] Resolve to never let an issue linger.

[00:34:34] Conflict, this is, this is kind of the action steps that, that we are closing all these tactical steps.

[00:34:44] But just a reminder, make the commitment today.

[00:34:46] Resolve to never let an issue linger.

[00:34:50] Conflict left unresolved is the breeding ground for, and we don't want to say it, the D word, you know, divorce.

[00:34:59] So let's not let that happen.

[00:35:02] Learn to cool down without shutting down.

[00:35:04] Don't shut down.

[00:35:06] Use those timeouts wisely.

[00:35:08] Really think about how you're going to come back strategically.

[00:35:12] Calm the storm, but always return to rebuild.

[00:35:17] This is so important.

[00:35:18] Not just for you and your spouse, but your children.

[00:35:21] Oh, sorry.

[00:35:22] I'm going to go back to that, that compliment thing.

[00:35:26] I know that I'm wrapping it up, but I was going to say, this is the important thing.

[00:35:32] As, as parents are little ones, they see those compliments and they're going to compliment your wife or your dad or sorry, your husband.

[00:35:43] And the same way, because, and I love this.

[00:35:48] My son used to call me because I would call grandma beautiful all the time.

[00:35:53] Every time we would call her on FaceTime, I'd call her beautiful.

[00:35:56] And then I felt like you didn't call me beautiful enough, but I really wanted my mom because my mom was, she's, she was, she was single.

[00:36:06] You guys know the story.

[00:36:07] She was a single mama.

[00:36:08] I would always call her beautiful and just really just make her feel great.

[00:36:13] And the little ones would always call her beautiful.

[00:36:15] And then they would call me beautiful.

[00:36:16] I called you beautiful all the time.

[00:36:17] Not as much as I called my mom beautiful, but no, you're good, you're good at it.

[00:36:21] But as I'm saying is just sometimes you would forget because, and this is what you told me is you're like, but you know, you're beautiful.

[00:36:29] I was like, no, I don't though.

[00:36:31] I really don't because my hair is in a bun.

[00:36:34] That's horrible.

[00:36:35] I must've said that a long time ago because I'd never say that today.

[00:36:38] No, not today, but it was after, you know, the second baby and I had all the surgeries and, and, and maybe I did look that way, but sometimes you need that reassurance.

[00:36:49] And I know my mom was going through all that stuff too.

[00:36:51] My phone was beautiful.

[00:36:53] I call you beautiful all the time.

[00:36:54] I even have reminders in my phone.

[00:36:56] I don't know.

[00:36:57] Tell you beautiful.

[00:36:57] Oh, I did that.

[00:36:59] No, don't.

[00:37:00] That's awful.

[00:37:01] No, that's awful.

[00:37:02] But I guess maybe, yeah, maybe you do need the, the reminder.

[00:37:06] No, I just, I just want to make sure I'm like, I want to be that.

[00:37:09] No, you're good.

[00:37:10] You're good at it.

[00:37:11] I don't want to forget.

[00:37:12] Cause I do get, you know, guys, we're building businesses.

[00:37:16] We do, you know, we got a lot on our mind.

[00:37:18] You get busy.

[00:37:19] We get things in our mind.

[00:37:20] We get busy.

[00:37:20] If I need a reminder, I'm going to give myself a reminder.

[00:37:22] Tell my wife.

[00:37:23] She's beautiful.

[00:37:23] Dad.

[00:37:24] Come it.

[00:37:24] I'm telling her.

[00:37:26] So where were we?

[00:37:28] Okay.

[00:37:28] Okay.

[00:37:29] So the cool down without shutting down.

[00:37:32] And then number three, this is a recap.

[00:37:36] Adopt I statements.

[00:37:38] Let your words open doors to understanding instead of closing hearts.

[00:37:44] I love that so much.

[00:37:45] Even write it down.

[00:37:46] Let your words open doors to understanding instead of closing hearts.

[00:37:52] Cause that's, that's, that's only painful.

[00:37:56] Prioritize.

[00:37:57] Number four, prioritize the partnership.

[00:37:59] Your marriage is not a battleground.

[00:38:02] It's not, it's a sanctuary.

[00:38:04] It doesn't need to be.

[00:38:06] Right.

[00:38:06] It doesn't need to be.

[00:38:07] It may be now, but it doesn't need to be.

[00:38:09] If you listen to this podcast, I'm telling you, if you listen to this episode and you

[00:38:13] take it to heart and you implement these things, I promise you your relationship won't be a battleground.

[00:38:18] Yeah.

[00:38:19] You know exactly what you need.

[00:38:21] You may be fighting it, digging your heels in, but just make your marriage a sanctuary and treat it as such.

[00:38:28] And guys, try not to have these arguments in front of your kids.

[00:38:32] It's like, your kids don't need to deal with this and they don't need to hear it.

[00:38:36] But if you do.

[00:38:38] And they're watching you and they're learning.

[00:38:40] That's why it's so important to learn how to communicate when you have, uh, when you don't see eye to eye because they will copy these things.

[00:39:20] Oh yeah, absolutely.

[00:39:21] They're young.

[00:39:22] They're little ones and they can, they still know when we're not seeing eye to eye.

[00:39:27] And it's, and you, you, you feel like, oh, they don't know, but they do know.

[00:39:32] Yeah.

[00:39:32] They'll step right in front of me and, and be like so protective.

[00:39:37] I mean, you know, kids, kids always gravitate to their mothers and if his voice changes a little bit is no, no.

[00:39:47] My son will come up to me and go, Hey dad, I think you need to go apologize to mom or something because I'm like, how do they know we're not?

[00:39:58] And it's so funny because they're so in tune.

[00:40:01] Just one little, maybe you look down or they're just, they see your heart.

[00:40:06] Kids are so precious.

[00:40:08] So be so, so, so careful.

[00:40:10] Um, and as we're closing out guys, marriage isn't about avoiding storms.

[00:40:17] The storms are going to come.

[00:40:18] It's about learning to dance in the rain as cheesy as that sounds, but it's the truth.

[00:40:25] Resolving conflict doesn't just prevent divorce.

[00:40:28] It strengthens the very foundation of your love.

[00:40:33] I don't care if it's cheesy.

[00:40:35] Super cheesy.

[00:40:35] I love, I love colorful words.

[00:40:38] Okay.

[00:40:39] This is this, if it resonates with you say, well, that was some great lessons.

[00:40:43] I hope you guys got something for that podcast today because this is, listen, everybody's a work in progress.

[00:40:51] We're continuously riding our own ships.

[00:40:53] We're going to get off course.

[00:40:55] There's, we're going to have bad days.

[00:40:56] We're going to get into, listen, we're two people.

[00:41:00] And we're, and if you're like us, we're two passionate people.

[00:41:04] We're two entrepreneurs.

[00:41:06] We're both powerful people.

[00:41:09] And it's easy for two people with, you know, these types of mindsets to not always get along.

[00:41:15] And also just living together.

[00:41:17] Right.

[00:41:18] And moving into different seasons and, and experiencing different seasons and different parts of seasoning as, as, as, as seasons as parents, as, as lovers, as couples.

[00:41:31] You know, that there's all these fluctuations and different experiences.

[00:41:38] So just remember that.

[00:41:39] And thank you again.

[00:41:42] Thank you so much for joining us on the pretty and punk entrepreneur parent podcast.

[00:41:48] And if this episode resonates with you, share it with someone who needs these tools for their marriage and don't miss part seven of our series.

[00:41:58] Next week.

[00:41:58] Don't miss it.

[00:42:00] Is worth every ounce of effort and love that you pour into it.

[00:42:05] You are responsible for this and we're trying to help you with everything we got, but in the end, you're the one that's responsible for how everything turns out.

[00:42:14] We love you.

[00:42:15] Thank you for listening.

[00:42:17] Share it.

[00:42:18] And, and we're here for you.

[00:42:20] Let's build stronger marriages.

[00:42:22] Don't be a statistic guys.

[00:42:24] No, this is a 50, 50 game and we plan to be on the winning side.

[00:42:27] So we want to raise those numbers.

[00:42:29] This is, we're tired of hearing that, you know, 50% of marriages are ending up in divorce.

[00:42:34] This is not, that should not be the case.

[00:42:36] And here's the other statistic that we were talking about 20 years later, when you talk to that same couple and you ask them once they have all the tools in their toolbox,

[00:42:46] and they understand and they know how marriage and life works.

[00:42:51] They say, if I would have done this, this and this, we never would have had to divorce.

[00:42:57] That wouldn't have had to happen.

[00:42:59] And that puts your kids and your family and you through trauma.

[00:43:04] I mean, most of the time when you go through divorce, usually you get the C word or something.

[00:43:10] The things happen.

[00:43:12] It is not worth it.

[00:43:13] Work on it today.

[00:43:15] Don't be a statistic.

[00:43:16] I agree with Dan.

[00:43:18] God bless you all and we'll see you next week.

[00:43:20] We'll see you guys next week.

[00:43:21] Thank you so much for listening to the Pretty and Punk podcast.

[00:43:26] We hope it changed your life and we hope it made you feel like you're able to save your marriage today.

[00:43:36] And don't forget to share it with all your friends so it can change their life and marriage too.

[00:43:42] We'll see you next week.

[00:43:44] God bless.

[00:43:45] Thank you for listening to this episode of the Pretty and Punk podcast.

[00:43:50] I really hope you got something from it today.

[00:43:53] And I hope you subscribe.

[00:43:55] It really helps us grow and it helps the people that really need this message.

[00:44:02] Please share this message with all your friends.

[00:44:06] God bless.

[00:44:07] See you next time.